Wanted: New Role Model

Okay so remember in the first entry how I really wanted the URL for this to be PINKPOWERRANGER? Yeah. I've been doing some thinking... I used to watch Mighty Morphin Power Rangers a lot when I was little, although I don't remember much. I do remember thinking that the pink power ranger, Kimberly Hart, was awesome. Plus, she totally had this thing going with the green power ranger after he was done being evil. I dreamed of the day when I could fight evil in a hot pink spandex suit.

Well, I can safely say that I still do not have a pink spandex suit. Nor have I punched any bad guys in the face. Plus, I like to think that I've grown up a little since I was 7. So I'm looking for a new role model, someone whose wise example I can follow whenever I need advice.

I have narrowed down my final choice to three people/cartoon characters. They are:


1. Nikola Tesla

So you know how Edison invented electricity? Well guess what. Nikola Tesla did it a 1000 times better.

This man is HOT.

Instead of a direct current that Edison so obstinately pursued, Tesla invented the alternating current. Once business partners, Tesla left after Edison refused to pay him the promised price for all his awesome work. (The jerk!) Once Tesla had perfected the AC system in the late 1880s, Edison went bankrupt. None of this really matters.

What's really important about Tesla is that he literally was a mad scientist. He invented, among other things, the Tesla coil, wireless techonology, the radio, and teleforce. I don't even know what teleforce is, but it sounds awesome. He also had a fucking death ray.

Pictured: Fucking Death Ray

Okay, so it was technically a giant particle beam. Whatever. It shot energy particles through the air with such tremendous energy that it could bring down a fleet of 10,000 enemy planes at a distance of 250 miles. That sounds like a death ray to me.

Tesla was also extremely eccentric, had OCD, liked to do things in multiples of threes and had an intense love for pigeons.


2. Captain Murphy

Ballin.

For those of you who watch Sealab 2021 will understand me when I say that Captain Murphy is the best character on the show. For those of you that don't, allow me to explain.

Basically, Sealab is an under water base where the crew members supposedly conduct under water researchy type things. They don't actually do this. Captain Murphy is their leader, although he spends more time being awesome than doing any actual leading. He owns a Happy Cake oven and wears strange hats for no reason. He has the ability to institute Martian law. He has a pet gloop named Squishface. In one episode, he becomes a robot with chainsaw hands.


NEED I GO ON?


3. Billy Mays

Okay, I realize this may be a touchy subject, because Billy Mays is, after all, dead. Which is incredibly sad, and may he rest in peace. Really, I'm sure he was a brilliant man. After all, he could sell just about anything. And when I say anything, I mean he could probably sell a piece of wood with a nail in it just by shouting about it.

Like remember oxyclean? It was so awesome Billy Mays couldn't just talk about it, he had to shout it out to the whole world. And then there was mighty putty, orange clean, Kaboom!, grip wrench, Zorbeez... the list goes on.

What Billy Mays taught us is that with the right volume and a magnificent beard, you could sell just about anything.

Indeed.

So my choices are thus:

1. A mad scientist with a huge death ray.
2. A mad captain that turned into a robot with chainsaw hands (once).
3. A man with the ability to sell ANYTHING.


All three are worthy choices, but I'm going to have to go with chainsaw hands. I mean, what can possibly be cooler?

Congratulations Captain Murphy, you win. Punch it, ho bag.