New Bad Fanfiction Review: House of Night

Hello readers! It is time… time once more to delve into that mysterious and deceptive realm of really bad fan fiction. Since it is the holidays, I figure that I can melt my brain just a little more to bring you hilariously bad reading.

This festering turd of a story is called Welcome to the House of Night Child of Neferet. Yes, it is really called that. I mean, really. How much more unimaginative can you get? I suppose I should also mention that this fan fiction takes place in the House of Night series, where young people are marked as vampires by other vampires pointing dramatically at the young people, whereupon the young people get weird tattoos on their foreheads. Then they all hole up in this giant house and try not to attack each other or drink human blood or go into a fit of seizures and die, all the while being ruled by an evil vampire named Neferet. Also, there are evil red eyed vampires. The main character of this series, a young girl named Zoey Redbird, seems normal enough until she gets marked and then has approximately ten boyfriends and five lovers and has sex with all of them. Seriously, it’s ridiculous. I only read the first couple books, so I only saw about three boyfriends, but believe me, MORE COME. Because, much like Bella Swan, Zoey is a bitch.

Now that you have some background, on to the bad fan fiction.

From the first sentence, it is bad. It is clear that this is one of those stories where the author must describe how EVERYONE looks, but most importantly of all, how she looks, which she does through the main character. It’s not an accurate representation of her looks, but instead how she wishes to look. Also, it becomes quite clear that the main character, Chloe Hall, has special powers. As if that’s not enough, the author’s name is also Chloe. And thus, we witness the birth of a Mary Sue.

Chloe Hall dresses like any other wannabe vampire – straight out of Hot Topic. (Which, incidentally, is owned by Claire’s. PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.) Anyway, after describing her tank top and tight, tight, jeans, and the snake named Jeckel that she wears on her shoulder, she admires her orange hair that reaches the floor. Although we learn later that she is the daughter of Neferet, the evil vampire mentioned above, this makes it sound more like she is the illegitimate offspring of Cousin It.

Truly terrifying.

She is then marked, blah blah, meets two girls (both with impossible hair) who will bring her to the House of Night, and then is dragged into her “gorgeous neon green mini convertible.” What? Seriously, if I ever see a car like that, I will puke. How is neon green gorgeous? How does it not look like a tub of silly putty molded into the shape of a car? I bet this girl wears silly bandz on her arms. She seems the type.

You are a silly child.

Anyway, Chloe gets to the H.O.N. and meets Zoey, who has apparently settled down and married Stark, one of her lovers or whatever. Zoey takes the time to patiently explain who the characters are that we have briefly seen, what they do, who their mentors are, and if they have any pets and what their pets’ names are, and so on and so forth. I do not jest – Anya and Saffron, the two that bring Chloe, have a cat named Jadeybob. It’s probably the most unfortunate cat in existence. It probably wants to die for the shame of having such an awful name.

The face of shame.

The next couple chapters we are introduced to Anya and Saffron and their boyfriends, who are named Jasper and Remus. It is no coincindence that Anya is obsessed with Twlight and Saffron with Harry Potter. OH MY GOD THEIR BOYFRIEND’S NAMES ARE THE SAME AS CHARACTERS IN THOSE BOOKS HOW CLEVER. Chloe quickly becomes enamored with her marker, who is named Tom. Tom starts calling Chloe “snake charmer.” How original. Oh Tom, you definitely know how to woo. Also, it seems they only have two classes that first day. LACK OF PLOT ALARM.

I quickly learn that Chloe spends half her time narrating her outfit changes, and the color of the fishnets she’s wearing, and how her make up looks. The author readily admits she spends time thinking of outfits for Chloe to wear. It brings to mind a rather horrifying image, but let’s not dwell on that. Her friends tell her she looks fantastic and she goes on a date with Tom. The next morning, Chloe attempts to leave and eat breakfast in her pajamas, but Anya stops her screaming “DO NOT GO OUT THERE LIKE THAT!” Because apparently Tom is out there and if he sees her like that he will never ask her out again, ever, because Tom is a shallow bastard.

Actually, I don't blame him.

But all is well! Tom asks Chloe to a dance, she accepts, and has a omg totally scene dress! SURPRISE – it’s neon green. At the dance, a slutty vampire named Shannon Marie approaches and is predictably bitchy, but strangely accurate when she comments that a rainbow threw up on Chloe. Anyway, they dance, Chloe learns that she is telekinetic and can talk to snakes, and then reveals that she can also spin a mean beat, because WHAT CANT SHE DO?

The next morning Tom tells her he has a reputation as a ladies man. Chloe responds with a violent earthquake, because that’s how shit goes down. Also, Chloe is a bitch, and responds violently to any honesty or offers of help.

Run, bitches. Run.

The next chapter is an array of different points of view and they don’t make any sense at all. Chloe runs away, runs into her twin brother, Alex, because EVERYONE HAS A FREAKING TWIN. Tom is Anya’s twin. Why shouldn’t Chloe have one? You have a twin! You have a twin too! Everybody gets a twin!

And a humpback whale!

Eventually Chloe drives back and isn’t mad anymore, because…well, who knows. Maybe she’s having her period.

The next chapter, and the last one, is a whole lot of nothing. Chloe and gang go to class. Alex visits Chloe, then admits he’s hearing their evil mum talk inside his head. And thus is ends, and I am glad I no longer have to feel like I’m stabbing hot irons into my eyeballs.

Halloween? More Like Fun-o-ween! .... I'm lame.

Hello, friends! I was going for two updates in one month, but I figured that would be excessive. Maybe I'll try it this month. But huzzah! Another update!


However, I regret to announce that, despite what I said in my last post, coffee is no longer a miracle drink. Well, it could be. But the last time I drank some I ended up not falling asleep until 3 AM and having the jitters. The jitters are not fun. I suppose it's my fault for drinking coffee at 8 PM, but there you have it. And then the next day my heart continued to race, and then the next day, and the next, and maybe I was thinking about it too much because I am a freak, but I eventually went to the doctor about it and despite the fact that I may have been imagining the whole damn thing, I got hooked up to a heart monitor.


This is what it looks like. Ooo, very snazzy, you might say. Sleek. New. I bet it's even comfortable!


It's not. Above is a rough approximation of how it's actually hooked up to a human being. Why yes, it IS rather like having a large spider attached to your chest. Not to mention it burned like the fires of a thousand fiery suns when I pulled the damn tape off.

Anyway, after that whole lovely event, I actually had a perfectly lovely weekend where I frolicked and carved a badass pumpkin:


See? Isn't that so freakin badass? I thought so. I found a tutorial online, but by the time I went to carve the pumpkin, all I had was the picture, so basically everything was like, "okay draw... this looks retarded... carve... retarded...oh wait, it actually looks pretty cool." Luckily I had help in the form of one Daniel DeCola, who did all the technical stuff with the sizing of the hole for the gourd and shaving off the skin, which is how the teeth and eyes are more yellowy than orange. I'm pretty sure that if I had done this alone the pumpkin would have actually looked like a five year old child somehow got a hold of a knife and randomly cut shapes out of a pumpkin.

I also went trick or treating, because this is the last time in my life where it will be socially acceptable, or close to socially acceptable. Yes. I am 22 years old and I still consider it socially acceptable for me to be trick or treating. I got a ton of candy, so I'm not complaining. Although I'll probably start complaining once I eat it all, put on 30 lbs, and have all my teeth fall out.

Speaking of candy, I'm probably going to go eat it all now, so let's end on a high note! And by a high note, I mean a high note for me.

"You are good at this" -- What my book editing teacher wrote on my edits for a pro-life, highly conservative, murder mystery manuscript.


Aaand I guess a high note for everyone else too:


It's a puppy!

I guess the theme of this is robots. And spandex. ROBOT SPANDEX. Do I have your attention?

It has been two months since I've updated. Well, almost. But it's a friggen long time, especially for one of my friends who has been begging me night and day to update my blog. It's gotten to the point where they can't sleep. Okay maybe that's a lie.

Unfortunately, I do not have any fan fiction reviews, although perhaps I will try to do a couple more (hopefully in this month). Reading reams of bad fan fiction was making my brain literally start to rot and fall out my ears, thereby making me unable to think and also blind. I can't do things when I'm blind, like read or go to school or play video games. Especially play video games. Although, come to think of it, I don't really do that anymore because I quit WoW (say what?!?). I am, however, going through withdrawal and am this close to buying DragonAge for my mac.

Anyway, moving past my debilitating addiction, I honestly have nothing exciting to say. I could tell you about my day but that's boring, and only involves me being ill prepared for the rain, not being able to find my umbrella, stupidly not wearing my new rain boots OR a rain coat because "it doesn't look that bad out." IT IS. I just walked from Boylston to Arlington and got absolutely soaked. I then decided it was raining too hard, got on the T to Copley, and then had a fire alarm go off in my ears. Then I walked to Borders and that's where I currently am. Why am I in Borders, you ask? Why are you not in the library at Emerson? That's obviously far closer. Well, I would reply, if you had asked me this question and it was not just me talking to myself, I am at Borders because every Emerson student has decided that studying in the library is better than studying in their freakin dorm rooms, which, may I point out, are at most 50 feet down the sidewalk. Anyway, there was no where for me to sit, so I was prompted to make a bad decision and walk halfway to Borders.

Today, I was also shown this:



If you are still with me after that, than you deserve a cookie. You are allowed to say WTF. You'll still get a cookie. No, I don't understand it either. But damn it all if it isn't stuck in my head for the rest of the day.


Here are some other random things:

1. An Animal Machine Hybrid. Fo' realz.


Watch out, human robot hybrids are around the corner. Isn't this terrifying?


2. And While We're on the Subject of Robots....


That, my friends, is an autonomous robot guarding nukes in Nevada. Autonomous meaning NO ONE CONTROLS IT. Again, we are coming ever closer to a robot take over.


3. Coffee is a miracle drink

No, I have no article or anything to back this up, other than the fact I just had a cup and I FEEL INVINCIBLE. It's amazing how drinking coffee gives me superpowers. It also makes me feel like maybe I'm not going to drown in photo chemicals later this semester. In other words, my photography project is becoming increasingly lame, and coffee makes me feel like I can fix it. I must buy more coffee.


And that's it. I would try and find more awesome things for you to look at and therefore continue let you continue to rot your brain by staring at a computer screen, but I have other productive things to do. Like go to class and discuss a manuscript about frat guys that like drinking fruity margaritas. Well, that's not all it's about. But do guys seriously do that?

I didn't think so.

Oh Crap, A Brick!

Remember that washing machine video? It just got about ten billion times better.

7 Awesome Geeky Things I Found

Recently, I've noticed that I'm bored out of my mind while I'm at my internship (see my previous post). Yet today, while sending e-mails to geek/tech websites, I've stumbled across a couple of completely AWESOME AND BADASS things. Maybe I just think they're awesome because I've always wanted a tetris block that transforms into a gun, or because I find awkward family photos amusing. And if you've been reading this blog since the beginning (all 3 of you!) then you may remember a post about why nerds were awesomer than the average human being. Just keep that in mind as I present you with further proof.


1. Spiderman Loses

Who ever made this web out of packing tape wins. Then again, they probably have too much time on their hands. But if you say that to their face, they'll toss you in and let you be slowly consumed by the robotic spiders they built.


2. Chewbaca on a Squirrel Fighting Nazis

I have no words for this, other than HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

3. How I Want My Ice Cubes to Look

I've been told that I need ice cubes, because my freezer does not make ice and I do not have an ice cube tray, because I am, apparently, lame. Well if I got this, I would no longer be lame! Right? So yeah, someone buy me this ice cube tray.



4. Gigantic Block Transforms Into...A Gun?


Looks like a harmless puzzle block, right? Kind of like an extremely complicated cross between tetris and a rubix cube. WELL YOU'RE WRONG. First you take it apart:

And then, because you don't need those fucking lego instructional manuals anymore, you build this:

GODDAMN. Yes. It is a WORKING gun. As in you could kill a man with it.

5. Let's Take a Moment to Drool Over This Photo

And THAT is why I fucking love photography.


6. Awkward Family Photos

Remember that picture of you from when you were 3 and your mom thought it would be cute to take pictures of you naked in the bathtub? And then maybe she would have stuck some bath toys to your head because it just makes it that much cuter? Well feel shame no more because these pictures are much, much worse. Click here to visit the site.


7. Brick in Washing Machine



Yeah. That's a brick being thrown into a washing machine. I don't know why, but I find this hilarious and can't stop laughing at it.


I found most of this from www.geekologie.com, which is an awesome site so you should check it out. Other odd bits I found from www.gadgetreview.com and www.thinkgeek.com.

What My Morning At My Internship Was Like

I have been reminded how much I never want to have kids. All morning I've been looking at parenting websites as part of my internship, and according to the ever knowledgeable interwebs, babies are tiny demon soul eaters, toddlers only scream and cry, young children are brats, and teenagers are basically the facial herpes of parenting. I've just read an article on how to change a baby girl's diaper, which goes into a lot more detail than I needed. Do I really need to read this? Do I really have to research parenting websites for marketing a book? Sadly, yes. If there was ever a form of birth control, this is it.

And then there are the large amount of sites dedicated to giving advice on how to deal with teenagers. Like they're a different species. Which, you know, they might be. I haven't been a teenager for almost TWO WHOLE YEARS now, and I'm already feeling a generation gap. Like with those stupid shaped rubber band bracelets. What's the point? I'll tell you what the point is - there is none. ABSOLUTELY NONE. It's like, "OH MY GOD IT'S IN THE SHAPE OF A HUMBACK WHALE! And now I'll put it on my wrist and it becomes RANDOM SQUIGGLES."

God I'm old. Pretty soon my knees will give out, I'll have to use a cane, and my plan of being a two-fast-red-corvette-driving old lady will have to take effect. But I draw the line at cats. I will not have fifity cats. I will have great danes and rottweilers. If all goes according to plan, I will also have a castle, a moat, and fifty alligators.

I was trying to make it through today without being crazy, but I guess that's out. And I was only two hours in.

But you know, trying to entertain myself by writing a semi-crazy blog post is the only way I can make it to lunch. And then after that I'll probably become a miserable wreck trying to drag myself through the afternoon. And then on the way home, I will pass out on the T, miss my stop, end up at Boston College, and get trapped inside a T all night.

Really Bad Fanfiction: Everything Goes to Hell

I may have ripped apart fanfiction before in the name of comedy, but this…. this absolute piece of utter shit… THIS IS PERSONAL. Well. Not really. But I feel like it is. And besides that, this… thing has everything in it that makes fanfiction bad and horrible and generally unreadable (unless, you know, the author has actually taken an English class).

This heap of steaming dung, entitled Emerald and Topaz, starts off at St. Mungos after the final battle, where Harry Potter-Black sits in a hospital room staring at a chess board. You should know that in this story, Harry has long hair, a black rose tattoo on his neck, and a shit load of scars.


Yeah, it’s one of those stories.

Also, Malfoy, Hermione, Neville, Blaise, and Luna have all become Harry’s siblings. Normally I would say I have no idea how, but this time I do:

“Hermione had lost her parents while Luna lost her dad, both were alone and Harry didn't want that for his friends. So him and Severus worked together and found a potion which would bind them together as siblings.”

We're all so happy together! And blonde!

Fuck. This is like the third paragraph. I shall give you some more background summed up into one paragraph rather than 11 chapters. Ron is dead, leaving behind an unfinished chess game with Harry which makes Harry cry a lot, Harry is gay and had a vampire boyfriend named Nathan, and then Nathan died too, Snape and Lupin are lovers, Lupin likes to refer to Harry as his “cub,” Malfoy is dating Hermione, Blaise is dating Ginny, and Neville is dating Luna, which is the only semi-rational thing in this mess, as the author may have well as just written plot points down on slips of paper and pulled them out of a fucking hat or closed her eyes and giggled as she pointed at random things. Which explains why Harry is poisoned and Sirius Black comes back to life as a dog named Padfoot.

This complicated chart that has nothing to do with the story somehow explains it all.

Anyway, Harry needs a change of scenery, so he moves to Forks (with his doggy pal, Padfoot aka Sirius), so it’s only natural that he meets the Cullens. But the first thing Harry has to do when he gets there is take a shower and have a moment to be really fucking retarded. The author includes a song that is by Apocalyptica. If you are familiar with Apocalyptica, you may be shaking your head and going “Awhaaahuh?” In my case, I grabbed the nearest object and threw it against the wall. Harry sings the song “I Don’t Care,” by Apocalyptica, featuring Adam Gontier while he’s in the shower, remembering back to the time when Pansy Parkinson betrayed him.

Yeah, she includes a song by these guys.

Okay, sure, Adam Gontier is from Three Days Grace and might be a hero of emos everywhere, I don’t know. All I know is that it’s a good fucking song and Apocalyptica DOES NOT DESERVE TO HAVE THEIR SONG DUMPED INTO THIS SHIT. Do you know what this is like? It’s like reading a story about rainbows and bunnies written by a 13-year-old and then seeing an Iron Maiden song sung by one of the emo ponies.

Yeah, it’s like being shot in the chest. And it also makes you want to throw whoever wrote it into a volcano.

INTO THE FIERY PIT OF DOOM! NOW!

Aaaaand this is just the first chapter! Yay! Onward!

Harry soon meets the Cullens, when he slips in the supermarket but Carlise CATCHES him. Oh thank God. Cause, you know, Harry might have died, and then this story wouldn’t have survived. Oh wait.

The next day he goes to school on a motorcycle (naturally) and meets the Cullens. Him and Edward immediately fall for each other. Naturally. Bella is in this story, but only as an afterthought. Because Bella is a bitch.

To sum up chapter two, all the Cullens like Harry, except Rosalie, because Rosalie hates everyone.

Die, scum.

As the story progressed onward, I started to notice that it didn’t really have a plot. Sure, once in a while Harry would get into some sort of scrape (almost dying in a fire, getting captured by Death Eaters and saved by the Cullens, telling the Cullens he’s MAGICAL), but mostly it focused on Harry being absolutely retarded, Edward gazing Harry’s eyes and calling him pet names (such as “my emerald,” or “my raven”), and the rest of Harry’s friends popping in whenever something completely mind fuckering needs to happen.

For example, Fred and George pop by one day and prank the entire Cullen family. Or take for instance when Snape and Lupin show up and Harry drinks a potion to get rid of the rest of the poison in his body. At one point Rosalie decides Harry is okay after he saves her from Death Eaters and then tells her how Pansy betrayed him to Voldemort, whereupon he was locked up and raped everyday.

Come on. Really? Really?

Now, lets tally something up. Poorly written? Check.
"You were the cause of my pain!"Harry said, his eyes brimming with betrayal.”

Predictable character with abusive background? Check.
“He pulled on a silver shirt and smiled lightly, pulling back his hair and tying it back using a blood-red cloth, revealing a black rose on the right side of his neck.”

Lack of plot? Check.

Unneccessary rape? Check.
“Voldemort locked and bound me in a cell where I was raped nearly every day by his followers.”

The only thing that’s left is male pre—
“Harry, what do you know of male pregnancy's?"Poppy asked, watching as Harry's eyes widened.”

Oh dear God.

Well Harry’s not pregnant yet. He just has the ability to be pregnant cause he’s all powerful and shit. And also has the ability to spontaneously grow a vagina.



Ending, where is the damn ending to this thing? Oh. Right. Well I guess it’s a happy ending, if you like being completely mindfucked.

Harry and Edward get married. Harry gets pregnant. Harry starts acting like a little bitch. Harry gives birth to twins. Hermione and Luna get pregnant. Fred and George get married. (“Molly wasn't shocked at all at the choice; in fact I think I saw a spark in her eyes." Harry said smirking.) Everybody has kids.

Then I burst into tears because nobody died.

If you want to read this or you have a really sick sense of what comprises a good story, read it here.

Really Bad Fanfiction: Unintentionally Butchering Twilight

When you come across a fanfiction that butchers Twilight even further, you’ve got to wonder if the author may have actual skill. The answer to this is always, “No, no they do not.” What makes this Twilight fic, called Seeing Through My Eyes, especially baffling is that Bella falls in love with James, who while in the regular books tries to eat Bella, is just a normal sexy bad boy vampire in this story.

Riiiight. Totally not gonna eat you.

To start this off, Bella wakes up one morning while her mom, positively bouncing all over the place with excitement (or drugs) tells Bella that her and John are getting married. Who is John? you may ask. Well beats me. In the books she marries a guy named Phil, but he apparently got sucked into a black hole. Getting married to John requires that they all move to Florida because John plays minor league baseball. LAME.

Apparently Bella thinks so too, and throws an absolute shit fit and says that she’s moving to Forks. She texts Jessica the phone screams out text messages like Bella and Jessica are having a shouting match. “HEY JESSICA CAN UR MOM TAKE US 2 TEH AIRPORTZ? WE CAN GO LIVE IN FORKS WITH MY DAD.”

“YEAH SURE THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN WOO-HOO!”

Jessica’s mom, when presented with an opportunity to get Jessica out of the house, no matter how ridiculous, short notice, or absolutely fucked it may seem, absolutely jumps on it. This should tell you something about Jessica.

Take her! TAKE HER!

While waiting for “Chief Swan” to pick them up once they get to Forks (apparently telling your dad that you and your friend are going to come live with him beforehand isn’t all the important or required), Bella meets Jacob and spots James the murderous vampire waiter off in the distance. Immediately she falls in love. When he asks her what she wants to eat, she gets a 16 oz T-bone steak (or two) with mashed potatoes because she’s a fat fat fatty mcfatson.

Bella’s dad brings everyone except James to Bella’s house, where they meet Jacob’s dad, Billy. Jacob is free to stay with Bella and Jessica while the two men go have a “Man’s night out.” They proceed to do this every single night. Can you say “gay”? And I mean like actually homosexual. As in, Charlie is never at home cause he always stays over with Billy.

I smell a cheap plot device.

Aaand later James joins the party. Not the older homosexual party, but the teenagers and hormones party. And the next day they all go shopping! Because guys love going shopping with girls. Because they’d most definitely rather do that then stick their head in a bucket of live eels.

I'm pretty sure they'd take the eels.

Bella is just getting back into the car to head back when…

“"RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGG!", my phone screamed at me.”

Ring-a-DING, motherfucker.

It’s Charlie, only mildly concerned where his erstwhile daughter is. His main concern is that he gets to stay at Billy’s house another night.

The next day, after some nearly naked encounters between Bella and James (OMFG HOT) they all head off to school except Jacob, who walks home alone because no one likes him except Jessica, and she doesn’t matter. At all. At school, Bella meets Christina, who loves Emmett (one of the vampires) and has turned stalking into a professional sport. When she gets Emmett’s voice on tape, she hyperventilates about how she can fall asleep to it every night.

Unfortunately, James also has a stalker, but Bella punches her out and gets suspended from school for the next two days. She also gets a first offense, and her dad is super pissed that she might go on probation again.

Wait, what? Bella’s not a bitch?

Before we can ponder on this further, James shows up at Bella’s house, cause he’s got something of the stalker gene himself. Or because Bella is a bitch and begged him to come over.

Anyway, blah blah blah, they all go to the beach, blah blah blah, everyone gets together with everyone else, blah blah blah, they drink some alcohol.

And it's not even good alcohol.

The next day Bella is awoken by her phone screaming, “IT’S MOM PICK UP THE PHONE.” They proceed to have a two second conversation, long enough for the guilty parent to get in a few “I love you’s” to the neglected, retarded child.

Later, on the way to Taco bell, everybody gets in an accident and Bella breaks two ribs and her arm. I mention this only because as soon as Charlie gets Bella home, he goes zipping off to Billy’s house again.

Or to Taco Bell. Tacos > Bella.

I’m starting to see a pattern here.

And the whole story ends with James telling Bella that he’s a vampire LULZ. The end

The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 4

I may have to come up with more creative titles for these soon. In any case, I had four - that's FOUR WHOLE PEOPLE - tell me that they liked this fanfiction thing and that I was hilarious and awesome and could I sign their napkin for them please? Naturally I did, and I sent them on their merry way, convinced that I was making other's lives better simply by providing humor.

That being said, here is a crossover LOTR and Star Trek slash fic called Sons of the Stars.

I know you all just went "Whaa...?" Well hold onto your hats folks, cause shit's about to get ugly. In fact, I'm still twitching. And while you definitely want to read this review, you probably don't want to read the actual story because there is a 47% chance that reading the first chapter will ruin the show/movie for you, and a 100% that any of the next seven chapters will completely ruin all hope of you ever coming out from under your bed again.

Unless there is a monster under your bed. In which case, you're fucked.

Let me elaborate – it’s slash. Slash between Picard from Star Trek and Elrond from Lord of the Rings. If you are any sort of nerd I will not have to explain the characters and the horror that this brings to mind. Not the fact that it’s, well, gay, but because these two characters are never ever supposed to mingle ever. Picard is the manly captain of the Starship Enterprise, and Elrond is a rather stern looking elf.

STEERRRRRRNNNNN!

For those of you that don’t know, slash means that there is a same sex pairing within the story. These vary from slightly innocent meetings (awww) to HOLY SHIT I DID NOT WANT TO READ THAT. For the sake of humor, I read this. Then I cried.

I suppose I should have taken into consideration that this came from an adult fanfiction site, but it was late when I wrote this, and I was tired, and in my semi-delusional mind I failed to recognize the significance of the word “adult” or the fact that I had to sign into the website, and also the fact that I did so under the alias of Sir Edgarton Cheesebury.

The basic summary is this: Picard crash lands on Middle-Earth while on his way to a much need vacation. He is gravely injured, found by Elrond, and nursed back to health. Picard spends the next couple of chapters or so playing the flute, watching elf celebrations, and sneaking off into the woods. Elrond spends the next couple of chapters making subtle innuendos, that sly bastard.

No, I will not "blow your flute"! FUCK. YOU.

Despite this, for the first four and a half chapters, I allowed myself to believe that there would be no uncomfortable sexual scenes, and that despite its weirdness, the author had to be given points for minimal spelling errors. Then Picard went all emo on my ass.

“I just need time to myself,” Picard said, trying to move away.

“No,” Elrond stayed him with a firm, but gentle grip. “You have been alone with this far too long. Let me be here for you, Jean-Luc.”

“Elrond, I need to be on my own. No one understands!”

WAAAAAHHH.

Elrond persists and they – oh God – kiss.

I was afraid for the next chapter, but Picard does nothing more than play his flute and drink his almost Earl Grey tea (because elves have no fucking idea how to make a proper cup of tea), until about three quarters of the way down the chapter. Then I stopped reading and absolutely refused to continue.

No means NO!

Reluctantly, I skimmed chapter eight if only to get an idea of how this damn thing ends. Picard starts hearing Elrond’s thoughts, their souls mingle, yadda yadda yadda I-skipped-this-next-bit, and it ends with Picard rushing off after Elrond into a shaded glen.

Srsly.

In case you’d want to see for yourself (I have no idea why), click here. And if you do, don't say I didn't warn you.

The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 3

I've got nothing better to do, so I do this. I'm pretty sure my brain will start melting out of my skull soon. Anyway, it is with much head bashing that I bring you this Lord of the Rings fanfiction called A Simple Maiden.

This one starts out with questions, only to create more along the way. Seriously, here’s the first line: “Up the escalator? Or down? Give the beggar my change? Or ignore him completely? Get a Caramel Mocha Frappe? Or buy the Hot Chocolate?”

Answer: FUCK. YOU.

To any sane person, these questions are easy to answer (use the stairs you fat ass; ignore the begger; what the fuck is a caramel mocha frappe?) but apparently the narrator, named Belle Angela Roseleigh, has no frontal lobes. And this is just the preface.

Our story starts will dear Belle angry at the sky for fucking daring to rain on her. She escapes to a café and almost has a brain aneurysm while deciding what to drink. She then takes out her laptop (presumably from her ass) and continues typing a 10 page paper that’s due the next day. She is on page 124 when – Wait, what? A TEN PAGE PAPER AND YOU’RE ON FUCKING PAGE 124? Does the author even know how hard it is to write ten pages? What the fuck is wrong with this girl? Seriously.

The product of indecisiveness and a poor social life. Also, cocaine.

Anyway, she gets freaked out by this strange man staring at her, runs to her mom’s house, and discovers that her mom is dead. She also finds a note that says something to the effect of “I’m watching youuuu” so she drives away and stays in a hotel. Since Belle wants to prepared, she goes to a sporting goods store and buys “a couple of hand guns and six boxes of ammo.” Yeah. Simple as that. Couple of hand guns, no big deal.

No permit required, bitch.

At this point I began smacking my head against the wall. After this point, the story changes so dramatically you kind of forget that this is the same girl that can’t make any fucking decisions.

In the next chapter, it connects to Lord of the Rings at last. Kind of. Belle runs to her friends Benj and Ivan, who are twins, where they reveal they are elfin and being hunted by some evil dudes or something… And there’s something about an elfin land being sent to the mortal realm. Soo they run away to the sound of gunshots (described as “Tud-d-d-d-dd-d!”) and drive somewhere far, far way. Like Nebraska. I think.

On the way to Nebraska, the truck flips over and there’s more of the Tud-d-d-dd-d! Our heroes manage to escape (I don’t know how) and set up camp. Obviously the most important thing they do is hang their food from a tree. Yeah, cause fucking bears are obviously not the least of your worries. The next day they meet up some other elfin folk, and all start trudging towards the portal together (I don’t know where the portal came from). They are attacked and freed by Eomer. FINALLY A LORD OF THE RINGS REFERENCE. And Gandalf is mentioned too! Unfortunately, that’s about as far as it goes. They ride to Rohan where Eomer presents Belle with a billion bath products, cause apparently Eomer is as gay as a fruitcake in this story.

I've brought you some BAAATHHH PRRROODDDUCCTTSSS!!!

Or not, because there’s a battle in which Belle gives Eomer her scarf beforehand, which apparently means they are BETROTHED. I’m pretty sure this is not actually true in the real Lord of the Rings. Correct me if I’m wrong. Eomer seems thrilled so maybe he isn’t gay. Belle goes all doe eyed and says, “I’m gonna love you and ride with you into battles and fight by your side the WHOLE TIME! It will be soooo romantic!” Or something to that effect anyway.

Or not, (again) because apparently Eomer is a HUGE player and not only fucking betrothed to some princess, but also getting it on with some girl in the stables. Belle sulks about until she sees the dreamy Legolas and immediately forgets who Eomer is. What a slut.

This is perhaps the most backwards story I've ever read.

The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 2

Here we are again, embarking on the wondrous trail of really awful fanfiction. I have two for you this time, so without any further ado, I give you....

My Immortal, perhaps the worst/best Harry Potter fanfiction there is. Of course, you've probably already heard of it. Wait. You haven't? Oh come on. You haven’t read this one yet? REALLY? I really can’t explain this one because my head might explode, but here’s a quick summary that I didn’t write because I’m lazy:

“To say that My Immortal has a "plot" might be something of an overstatement. It's more like a loose collection of bad ideas and misspelled words centered around overly long passages about the author's fashion sense and favorite bands. The story is set in some weird, dystopian version of the Harry Potter universe where the struggle between good and evil has been replaced with an eternal struggle between "goths" and "preps," and every main character is either gothic, emo, bisexual, a weeaboo, a satanist, a vampire, or any combination of these. The story follows the protagonist Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, a 7th year student at Hogwarts who wanders around having random sex with HP emo clones and then describes her outfit for several paragraphs. That's seriously about it.”

An artist's rendering of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.

Also, that site does a better job of summarizing and making fun of this story than I ever could. You can just thank me for bringing you such lulz.

If you want to read the story, click here.

I for one have not read the whole thing because halfway through I slipped into a coma.



And that short summary brings us to the baffling story called The Perfect Couple. This story is literally the unholy union of Harry Potter and Twilight. I don’t know how a fanfiction in this genre could EVER be good, but you know, maybe it’s… possible…?

No. No it is not.

I guess I’ll have to assume that everybody knows that Twilight is about sparkly vampires, but that not many people have even read the damn book. Well, I’ve read all four, so I know the story quite well and am therefore allowed to make fun of it. For you to understand this fanfiction (if such a thing is possible) all you have to understand is that Edward is the vampire and Bella is the needy human girl that falls in love with him.

Pictured: Neediness. And Kristen Stewart's only facial expression.

In any case, it starts out with Edward leaving Bella cause HE’S A JERK, but Bella decides to be proactive by wiping everyone’s memories so no one in Forks remembers her. Then she takes a portkey to the Burrow because she is a witch. And apparently Harry’s twin sister. After time jumps and the Hogwarts Express, Bella gets to Hogwarts only to find that all the Cullens are new professors and the other, normal, canon professors have been eaten by wild boars or something. Bella runs to the bathroom, cries, and Edward finds her and beats the shit out of her cause Bella’s a bitch. Draco Malfoy swears revenge on Edward, because after all, Bella is his perfect match.

I missed the next chapter couple chapters cause I was vomiting so hard.

Moving on, in chapter five Draco reveals that there is a Death Eater at Hogwarts. Three guess as to who it is.

… No? No one?

Well it’s Edward fucking Cullen.

Cedric Diggory is a Death Eater?

And he teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts. (HOW IRONIC.) Bella exposes him, and Edward points his wand at Harry in retaliation. Then BANG, the door slams open and Bella’s parents (who are Harry’s parents) appear. They have golden eyes like the rest of the vampires, so I’m forced to assume that Lily and James Potter are vampires. We’ll just let that one sink in.

NOT A VAMPIRE.

Edward reveals that he’s been working for Voldemort FOREVER and that they are best pals. Everyone else flips their shit. The rest of the Cullens chase Edward off and both Bella and Harry present Draco and Ginny as their one and only true loves, respectively. This happy moment is ruined by Dumbledore, as he appears and announces that Esme is also a Voldemort supporter, and insanely evil. Carlisle, Esme’s husband, locks himself in his room, curls up in the fetal position, and cries for three weeks.

There are only eight chapters so that’s basically it (thank God), but at the end Bella spots Draco glued to Pansy Parkinson’s face.

......

Somehow I’m glad it ends there.