Anyway, it got me thinking. Previous to this, I lived with two roommates: one who I had known and roomed with since freshmen year, the other since sophomore year. We all got pretty accustomed to living together and knew who left dishes in the sink (all of us at one time or another), who liked to walk around with no pants on (me and Cassandra), and who was the crazy cat lady (Liz). We knew each other’s quirks and so coming home to find someone sprawled on the couch at 3 in the afternoon in their pajamas or no pants at all wasn’t really shocking. Coming home and finding that The Evil Cat of Doom had eaten the carpet (while that never actually occurred) would not have been shocking.
In short, we knew what we were getting into, more or less.
But, once I inevitably move out and get a new roommate(s), they will not know what it is like to live with me. It doesn’t matter if they’ve never met me before or if they’ve known me for years—there will be things that they don’t know simply because they don’t inhabit the same living space as me. So I’ve put together a list of things that anybody who will potentially live with me needs to know.
1. I have a bubble.
Humans may be social creatures, but I like my alone time. When I come home from work, I will shut myself in my room and not come out for at least an hour (unless I’m feeling particularly restless or it’s a Friday). If I’m in my room and the door is shut, then it’s probably best not to bother me unless it’s an emergency, like if the cat’s eaten all the laundry detergent or the stove has caught on fire. If I’m bored and looking for entertainment, my door will be left open, or you’ll find me wandering around with a lost expression on my face that says “Entertain me or I’ll start crawling on the floor pretending to be an inch worm because that’s a lot better then staring at the wall.”
2. That being said, I’m not a recluse.
I am a fan of doing things, especially on the weekend. I am a fan of free things, and I am a fan of tree lightings. I am a fan of Dark and Stormy’s, whiskey sours, margaritas, and good beer. I am even a fan of hanging out and playing apples to apples. I also like card games.
Except for the fact that grandma's a cheating whore.So I do like to do things, just not constantly. I need to go back into the bubble every so often.
3. I’m probably going to want a cat.
Just one, mind you. A nice, soft, fluffy one. One that is not Satan in a Sunday Bonnet. I promise to clean the litter box and hopefully keep him/her from getting into the cupboards and eating all the tuna fish or something like that. Or, you know, breaking into the freezer and eating five hot dogs and half a steak.
Aww, but he's just so cute! How can you be mad at that?4. I have trouble deciding what to eat.
Often around dinner time, I can be found in the kitchen, slowly and methodically looking through all the cupboards for something to eat. After I’ve looked in all of them about five times, I will hang off them despondently bemoaning my pitiful situation. “I don’t knowwww what to eeeeeaaaaat,” I’ll say in a rather dejected tone. It is your job, future potential roommate, to tell me what to eat so I’ll shut up.
One of my previous roommates, Cassandra, would always be able to tell me what I wanted to eat. It was like magic. “Tuna sandwich!” she’d say. Or sometimes it was “Spaghetti-O’s!” or “Just eat the damn ramen, damn it.” I followed these suggestions 90% of the time because Cassandra just knew. Also, she made good breakfast sandwiches, so you have a lot to live up to, future potential roommate.
They were like this, only better.5. When I come home, the pants come off…
I feel that this is maybe the most important factor. Usually, I will go straight into my room and whip off my pants in a silent pants whipping frenzy. I may then rejoice in the fact that I’m home and can relax by putting on music and dancing around in just my knickers, as the Brits would say. (I may also sing along, depending on whether I think anyone is home or not. So if you happen to hear what sounds like a dying platypus or something in my room, don’t break down the door in a panic. It’s just me.)
Like this, only less graceful.You see the thing is, pants are uncomfortable and taking them off is incredibly comfortable, especially if followed by pajamas. So really, eventually, I put some form of pant back on. But for maybe the first 20 minutes that I am home, I am in my room, pants-less. Keep that in mind if you come a-knocking.
6. …and I make myself a drink.
I enjoy my beer. Or whatever alcohol I happen to have in my possession. Do not steal my beer without asking me. I may still say no, depending on what it is, but I will appreciate that you asked. Maybe I will be lucky (or unlucky) enough to live with someone with absolutely no appreciation for beer, and I’ll get it all to myself. But then they’d think I was really weird if I starting going on about the virtues of hops or beer-can chicken, and that might be awkward.
I mean, beer can chicken is already awkward.Still, I will probably have a drink when I get home. Maybe with my pants off, who knows. This does not make me an alcoholic, so you get your judgmental eyes off me, future roomie.
7. I’m not really a morning person.
I like to sleep. Like a lot. It’s very good for my health to get a full nights sleep. On the weekends, I stay up late. Like 1:00 (which is late to me because I’m becoming “elderly” and staying up until 4:00 is not really something I can pull off anymore). Anyway, going to sleep at 1 AM means I will sleep until 11:00 that morning. That means you do not wake me up because I will throttle you.
During the weekdays I usually go to bed by 10:30, but still have trouble waking up the next morning without coffee. Even with the coffee I still have trouble. I am not especially talkative in the morning, so if I just sit and glare at the toaster, I’m not trying to make it burst into flames or anything. I’m just trying to wake up.
Brave Little Toaster sympathizes.8. Woe betide any who interrupt me while I’m reading a really good book.
I really will throttle you if you interrupt me for no good reason while I’m reading. Especially if I’m at a crucial juncture, or at a really good part, or like five goddamn pages away from the end, cant you leave me alone for the next ten minutes?
Emergencies: yes, okay. Potential fun events: also okay. But please, for the love of God, do not sit there and stare at me while I read. Do not poke me or chat to me because I will try and bite you. Probably the only person that can get away with doing this is my boyfriend, so unless you’re him, don’t try this or else you’ll find my teeth uncomfortably close to your fingers.
Once again, Brave Little Toaster sympathizes.9. I don’t watch a lot of TV.
What shows I do watch I can find online, so it is unlikely that I will fight you for the TV. So go ahead, turn it on and flip until your thumb falls off. I may even join you if you’re watching something I like. Or, if you’re watching something like Ice Road Truckers, I will avoid you. Simple.
Also a large "No."10. I’m pretty much the most awesome person ever.
Clearly.