Written as a how to piece for my art of fiction class. Now complete with pictures and video!
First, you have to pick a person. Any person will do really. They don’t even have to be attractive, but you must feel some sort of attraction towards them. If they are not attractive, you might face some criticism from your friends, but ignore this. This is YOUR life, damn it, and you are calling the shots here.
This was your choice, remember.However, if your potential date is cute, be prepared to fight off other suitors with whatever you have handy, be it rumors, a large stick, or a giant spear. Get yourself noticed by this person, but make sure it is in a good way. You don’t want to be noticed because you pick your nose or smell bad. Get noticed because you smell nice, because you’re witty, and because you’re really smart. (For instructions on how to be a good student, see “How to Be A Good Student” by Cassandra Mortimer.)
Getting noticed is the first step. The next step is possibly the hardest: somehow make this person like you enough to want to go on a date with you. It’s okay if you have nothing in common, but it’s easier if you do. You could absolutely love “The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats, and your crush could think that song was the spawn of Satan and everything wrong in the world today, but as long as you find some common ground –
Actually, if you disagree over that, it’s probably best to start from scratch. Find someone else who loves “The Safety Dance.” It’ll be much easier that way.
Now that you have at least one thing in common, you can start the courting stage of your relationship. Be witty and funny as always, but make sure you ask your potential date questions about him or herself. Be interested in what they have to say. Or if you find it more boring than picking out toe jam, at least pretend to be interested. Sit with them at lunch. Establish a casual friendship. Once you have been doing this for around two to three weeks, casually ask if they would like to go see a movie some time. Or suggest getting lunch. If you’re really lucky, they will ask you, but that’s a big if. It’s better to take some sort of initiative yourself. They will either agree to lunch or a movie, in which case that is your cue to jump up and down madly once they are out of sight, or if they say no, that is your cue to rush to the nearest bathroom and burst into tears or maybe punch a wall. If the latter, go back to step one.
If, however, you are jumping up and down madly or perhaps smiling in a sort of goofy way, you have succeeded! Congratulations! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, eager mcbeaver. This is only the first step.
The next is actually going on the “date.” Throughout the movie or lunch or whatever it is you two love birds are doing, judge your dates reactions. Be prepared, and bring your own money in case they’re a cheap bastard. If they’re nice, they’ll buy you your ticket, popcorn, or meal. It might even be possible that they consider this a date. HOWEVER, if they buy all three for you, and don’t let you spend a cent, they are taking this maybe as seriously as you are.
During the movie, be hyper aware of where your arms, hands, legs, and feet are in relation to your date’s. Slowly inch your arm/hand/leg/foot closer to your date’s as the movie progresses. Try to make the movements seem natural. If your date is inching their arm/hand/leg/foot closer as well, that is your green light. And for goodness sake, wipe off your sweaty palms. Nobody wants to hold hands with The Thing from the Swamp.
You and your sweaty palms.If everything else goes swimmingly, you may even get a kiss at the end of the date. Hooray for you, smooth rider.
However, your date could go way to the other end of the spectrum. At the worst, they will not pay for you at all, shove popcorn in their movie messily, chew noisily, and spit disgustingly all over you when they make a comment about the movie. In this case, this person is disgusting or completely and utterly clueless, in which case you should move on. Or send them to a Miss Manners class. Or hit them over the head with a brick and scream “I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT I LIKE YOU, YOU MORON. STOP BEING DISGUSTING AND LOVE MEEEEEEE.” Hopefully, this is not how your date will go.
Let’s assume that your date went swimmingly. Let’s assume your date went SO swimmingly that you were asked on several more dates. Let’s assume on all of those dates you kissed, and let’s also assume that you have been asked to be their significant other. You’re a real lucky bitch, aren’t you?
Okay so, you’ve got yourself a real, honest to God, boyfriend or girlfriend. The hard part is over. All you have to do now is keep spending time with them. Either you will eventually fall in love, or you will get so bored you want to bang your head against the wall. Unfortunately, this guide does not cover how to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. That is messy and extremely unpleasant work, and there is really no right way to do that. And since I do not want to be responsible for collateral damage, such as broken fingers, black eyes, or broken hearts, I will not even get into that. For heaven’s sake, just go read Cosmo and see what they say. Then you can blame them for all your problems.
Pictured: A Scapegoat.
Pictured: A Scapegoat. However, I can tell you how to cope once you do break up. Sleep for a week straight and eat nothing but junk. After this week is over, stop eating all that junk, you fatty. Go to the gym and burn calories. This will not only get you back in shape, you may tire yourself out to the point where all you can think about is sleep. Throw yourself into homework with a vengeance. (Once again, see “How to Be A Good Student” by Cassandra Mortimer.) Let your life be consumed with seemingly mundane activities, because no matter how mundane they may seem, they will distract you. If you were really in love, then the pain you feel might fade over time, but if you were really in love this will continue for some time. If you were REALLY in love, then this may never go away. Each night as you fall asleep your heart will get ripped to pieces as you dream about your love, and each morning your heart will be replaced with some sort of bleeding piece of meat. Even worse, you might not want to fall out of love with this person, because being out of love with them is worse than being in love with them. Still, you are probably the unluckiest person in the world.
You may want some relief now. Well, go have some really great, awesome, sex, if only to fill the void within you for a short period of time. Even if you weren’t in love with your boyfriend / girlfriend, and are not leaking tears, you can still enjoy awesome sex. For this task, choose someone HOT. Or cute. Or somewhat attractive. Finding someone like this is easier than you think. It’s not as if you are choosing a life partner, and so you can settle for any Tom, Dick, or Harry. (Or any Harry, Dick, or Tom.) Go to a party and look for people that are slightly tipsy, NOT DRUNK. If you find a drunk person, the sex will be sloppy at best, and at worst, you will be vomited upon. This is not something you want. Find someone tipsy, someone who will be more likely to kiss you, but is still coherent enough to think sensible thoughts. Then find an empty room (it doesn’t matter what kind of room, even a bathroom will do in a pinch) and have at it. You probably shouldn’t be a virgin if you want to try this approach. It will lead to even more feelings of emptiness, regrets, and bags full of cheese doodles.
Giant... cheese... balls. Uhh...Even if you are not a virgin, you may still get these feelings. Even though you are having awesome sex, you may still feel as if you are a cone without ice cream, or a doodle without the cheese. Thus, this approach is inadvisable after the first couple weeks.
If you keep going back to the same person for really awesome sex, you may start to develop feelings for them. You may want to start this whole damn thing again, because despite all the pain, dating and falling in love is so damn exciting. This is a perfectly normal reaction. However, the cycle will start again, in which case you’ll want to go back to the beginning of this paper.
Unless none of this happened to you. Maybe you are still with your boyfriend / girlfriend, and maybe you’ve been together for six weeks or eight months or two years, and you just know that you want to stay together forever, get married, and have billions of babies. Maybe you are just so in love that nothing can shake your relationship. Maybe you are living an epic love story. Well aren’t you the fortunate one, you googly eyed son of a bitch. Stop reading this paper and give it to someone who needs it.
Or else this woman will throw her giant spear at your head. And you will die.THE END
