The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 4

I may have to come up with more creative titles for these soon. In any case, I had four - that's FOUR WHOLE PEOPLE - tell me that they liked this fanfiction thing and that I was hilarious and awesome and could I sign their napkin for them please? Naturally I did, and I sent them on their merry way, convinced that I was making other's lives better simply by providing humor.

That being said, here is a crossover LOTR and Star Trek slash fic called Sons of the Stars.

I know you all just went "Whaa...?" Well hold onto your hats folks, cause shit's about to get ugly. In fact, I'm still twitching. And while you definitely want to read this review, you probably don't want to read the actual story because there is a 47% chance that reading the first chapter will ruin the show/movie for you, and a 100% that any of the next seven chapters will completely ruin all hope of you ever coming out from under your bed again.

Unless there is a monster under your bed. In which case, you're fucked.

Let me elaborate – it’s slash. Slash between Picard from Star Trek and Elrond from Lord of the Rings. If you are any sort of nerd I will not have to explain the characters and the horror that this brings to mind. Not the fact that it’s, well, gay, but because these two characters are never ever supposed to mingle ever. Picard is the manly captain of the Starship Enterprise, and Elrond is a rather stern looking elf.

STEERRRRRRNNNNN!

For those of you that don’t know, slash means that there is a same sex pairing within the story. These vary from slightly innocent meetings (awww) to HOLY SHIT I DID NOT WANT TO READ THAT. For the sake of humor, I read this. Then I cried.

I suppose I should have taken into consideration that this came from an adult fanfiction site, but it was late when I wrote this, and I was tired, and in my semi-delusional mind I failed to recognize the significance of the word “adult” or the fact that I had to sign into the website, and also the fact that I did so under the alias of Sir Edgarton Cheesebury.

The basic summary is this: Picard crash lands on Middle-Earth while on his way to a much need vacation. He is gravely injured, found by Elrond, and nursed back to health. Picard spends the next couple of chapters or so playing the flute, watching elf celebrations, and sneaking off into the woods. Elrond spends the next couple of chapters making subtle innuendos, that sly bastard.

No, I will not "blow your flute"! FUCK. YOU.

Despite this, for the first four and a half chapters, I allowed myself to believe that there would be no uncomfortable sexual scenes, and that despite its weirdness, the author had to be given points for minimal spelling errors. Then Picard went all emo on my ass.

“I just need time to myself,” Picard said, trying to move away.

“No,” Elrond stayed him with a firm, but gentle grip. “You have been alone with this far too long. Let me be here for you, Jean-Luc.”

“Elrond, I need to be on my own. No one understands!”

WAAAAAHHH.

Elrond persists and they – oh God – kiss.

I was afraid for the next chapter, but Picard does nothing more than play his flute and drink his almost Earl Grey tea (because elves have no fucking idea how to make a proper cup of tea), until about three quarters of the way down the chapter. Then I stopped reading and absolutely refused to continue.

No means NO!

Reluctantly, I skimmed chapter eight if only to get an idea of how this damn thing ends. Picard starts hearing Elrond’s thoughts, their souls mingle, yadda yadda yadda I-skipped-this-next-bit, and it ends with Picard rushing off after Elrond into a shaded glen.

Srsly.

In case you’d want to see for yourself (I have no idea why), click here. And if you do, don't say I didn't warn you.

The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 3

I've got nothing better to do, so I do this. I'm pretty sure my brain will start melting out of my skull soon. Anyway, it is with much head bashing that I bring you this Lord of the Rings fanfiction called A Simple Maiden.

This one starts out with questions, only to create more along the way. Seriously, here’s the first line: “Up the escalator? Or down? Give the beggar my change? Or ignore him completely? Get a Caramel Mocha Frappe? Or buy the Hot Chocolate?”

Answer: FUCK. YOU.

To any sane person, these questions are easy to answer (use the stairs you fat ass; ignore the begger; what the fuck is a caramel mocha frappe?) but apparently the narrator, named Belle Angela Roseleigh, has no frontal lobes. And this is just the preface.

Our story starts will dear Belle angry at the sky for fucking daring to rain on her. She escapes to a café and almost has a brain aneurysm while deciding what to drink. She then takes out her laptop (presumably from her ass) and continues typing a 10 page paper that’s due the next day. She is on page 124 when – Wait, what? A TEN PAGE PAPER AND YOU’RE ON FUCKING PAGE 124? Does the author even know how hard it is to write ten pages? What the fuck is wrong with this girl? Seriously.

The product of indecisiveness and a poor social life. Also, cocaine.

Anyway, she gets freaked out by this strange man staring at her, runs to her mom’s house, and discovers that her mom is dead. She also finds a note that says something to the effect of “I’m watching youuuu” so she drives away and stays in a hotel. Since Belle wants to prepared, she goes to a sporting goods store and buys “a couple of hand guns and six boxes of ammo.” Yeah. Simple as that. Couple of hand guns, no big deal.

No permit required, bitch.

At this point I began smacking my head against the wall. After this point, the story changes so dramatically you kind of forget that this is the same girl that can’t make any fucking decisions.

In the next chapter, it connects to Lord of the Rings at last. Kind of. Belle runs to her friends Benj and Ivan, who are twins, where they reveal they are elfin and being hunted by some evil dudes or something… And there’s something about an elfin land being sent to the mortal realm. Soo they run away to the sound of gunshots (described as “Tud-d-d-d-dd-d!”) and drive somewhere far, far way. Like Nebraska. I think.

On the way to Nebraska, the truck flips over and there’s more of the Tud-d-d-dd-d! Our heroes manage to escape (I don’t know how) and set up camp. Obviously the most important thing they do is hang their food from a tree. Yeah, cause fucking bears are obviously not the least of your worries. The next day they meet up some other elfin folk, and all start trudging towards the portal together (I don’t know where the portal came from). They are attacked and freed by Eomer. FINALLY A LORD OF THE RINGS REFERENCE. And Gandalf is mentioned too! Unfortunately, that’s about as far as it goes. They ride to Rohan where Eomer presents Belle with a billion bath products, cause apparently Eomer is as gay as a fruitcake in this story.

I've brought you some BAAATHHH PRRROODDDUCCTTSSS!!!

Or not, because there’s a battle in which Belle gives Eomer her scarf beforehand, which apparently means they are BETROTHED. I’m pretty sure this is not actually true in the real Lord of the Rings. Correct me if I’m wrong. Eomer seems thrilled so maybe he isn’t gay. Belle goes all doe eyed and says, “I’m gonna love you and ride with you into battles and fight by your side the WHOLE TIME! It will be soooo romantic!” Or something to that effect anyway.

Or not, (again) because apparently Eomer is a HUGE player and not only fucking betrothed to some princess, but also getting it on with some girl in the stables. Belle sulks about until she sees the dreamy Legolas and immediately forgets who Eomer is. What a slut.

This is perhaps the most backwards story I've ever read.

The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 2

Here we are again, embarking on the wondrous trail of really awful fanfiction. I have two for you this time, so without any further ado, I give you....

My Immortal, perhaps the worst/best Harry Potter fanfiction there is. Of course, you've probably already heard of it. Wait. You haven't? Oh come on. You haven’t read this one yet? REALLY? I really can’t explain this one because my head might explode, but here’s a quick summary that I didn’t write because I’m lazy:

“To say that My Immortal has a "plot" might be something of an overstatement. It's more like a loose collection of bad ideas and misspelled words centered around overly long passages about the author's fashion sense and favorite bands. The story is set in some weird, dystopian version of the Harry Potter universe where the struggle between good and evil has been replaced with an eternal struggle between "goths" and "preps," and every main character is either gothic, emo, bisexual, a weeaboo, a satanist, a vampire, or any combination of these. The story follows the protagonist Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, a 7th year student at Hogwarts who wanders around having random sex with HP emo clones and then describes her outfit for several paragraphs. That's seriously about it.”

An artist's rendering of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.

Also, that site does a better job of summarizing and making fun of this story than I ever could. You can just thank me for bringing you such lulz.

If you want to read the story, click here.

I for one have not read the whole thing because halfway through I slipped into a coma.



And that short summary brings us to the baffling story called The Perfect Couple. This story is literally the unholy union of Harry Potter and Twilight. I don’t know how a fanfiction in this genre could EVER be good, but you know, maybe it’s… possible…?

No. No it is not.

I guess I’ll have to assume that everybody knows that Twilight is about sparkly vampires, but that not many people have even read the damn book. Well, I’ve read all four, so I know the story quite well and am therefore allowed to make fun of it. For you to understand this fanfiction (if such a thing is possible) all you have to understand is that Edward is the vampire and Bella is the needy human girl that falls in love with him.

Pictured: Neediness. And Kristen Stewart's only facial expression.

In any case, it starts out with Edward leaving Bella cause HE’S A JERK, but Bella decides to be proactive by wiping everyone’s memories so no one in Forks remembers her. Then she takes a portkey to the Burrow because she is a witch. And apparently Harry’s twin sister. After time jumps and the Hogwarts Express, Bella gets to Hogwarts only to find that all the Cullens are new professors and the other, normal, canon professors have been eaten by wild boars or something. Bella runs to the bathroom, cries, and Edward finds her and beats the shit out of her cause Bella’s a bitch. Draco Malfoy swears revenge on Edward, because after all, Bella is his perfect match.

I missed the next chapter couple chapters cause I was vomiting so hard.

Moving on, in chapter five Draco reveals that there is a Death Eater at Hogwarts. Three guess as to who it is.

… No? No one?

Well it’s Edward fucking Cullen.

Cedric Diggory is a Death Eater?

And he teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts. (HOW IRONIC.) Bella exposes him, and Edward points his wand at Harry in retaliation. Then BANG, the door slams open and Bella’s parents (who are Harry’s parents) appear. They have golden eyes like the rest of the vampires, so I’m forced to assume that Lily and James Potter are vampires. We’ll just let that one sink in.

NOT A VAMPIRE.

Edward reveals that he’s been working for Voldemort FOREVER and that they are best pals. Everyone else flips their shit. The rest of the Cullens chase Edward off and both Bella and Harry present Draco and Ginny as their one and only true loves, respectively. This happy moment is ruined by Dumbledore, as he appears and announces that Esme is also a Voldemort supporter, and insanely evil. Carlisle, Esme’s husband, locks himself in his room, curls up in the fetal position, and cries for three weeks.

There are only eight chapters so that’s basically it (thank God), but at the end Bella spots Draco glued to Pansy Parkinson’s face.

......

Somehow I’m glad it ends there.

The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 1

I spent the better part of yesterday evening/yesterday night reading and searching for horrible, awful, pain inducing fanfiction, all in the name of humor. For those of you that don't know what fanfiction is, go wikipedia that shit. In any case, so far I have found four complete gems, and I know there's more out there, so I may keep searching.

For a fanfiction to be horrifically bad, it must meet at least one of the following criteria:

• Really bad spelling and/or grammar
• Lack of a plot
• A logic fail or a physics fail
• Really bad and/or uncomfortable sex scenes
• The main character is prone to getting raped
• The dreaded Mary Sue
  

There are more, but these are just the main ones. So without further ado, I bring you the first in this series of horrible fanfiction, Unpredictable Fate!

Unpredictable Fate is a Dead or Alive fanfiction. Dead or Alive is a fighter game series, where all sorts of crazy shit happens, but mainly you just fight each other. I didn't know this until after I wrote this and I actually chose to look something up, so reading this fanfic was even more baffling.

I don't even know if this is about ninjas.

First line: “The sum was setting and the wind blew roughly deep into the forest as a young women walked slowly as if she were confused about turning back to wherever she came from or keep going straight.”

The spelling errors only get worse from here my friend. Also, note the complete lack of commas.

This story depicts the life and adventures (I think) of Kasumi, a runaway shinobi. Apparently, a shinobi is a clan full of ninjas, or in this case, crazy, insane, tree possessing ninjas. I really don’t know what a shinobi is or if it even exists because I did not look this up. Anyway, since Kasumi is running away, the rest of the clan decides FUCK THAT and starts to hunt her down. Luckily, Kasumi finds a rusty temple to stay in, and her brother finds her and feeds her food. AWWWW. There’s also Ryu, “the man that she hated but couldn't help loving,” or in other words, “the man that tries to strangle her in the next chapter.”

Kasumi, our heroine. A girl who does not like pants.

After getting strangled, Kasumi cries for her dead mother. In the midst of this crying session (or after, I couldn’t really tell) Kasumi’s brother attacks her and slashes her neck. Kasumi is upset because he didn’t apologize for that. Her brother says sorry, leaves, and then a possessed tree attacks Kasumi.

….

Yeah… and to get away she uh… teleports… and falls face first into a flowerpot. And then signs up for a tournament (???) and rooms with her evil brother, her evil lover, and some random chick. Christ, this is getting confusing.

WTF?????

Chapter three was one big long paragraph, so I skipped ahead to chapter seven. So chapter seven starts with Kasumi vomiting because she’s pregna--- Oh dear God. Okay so I’m just going to skip ahead a bit cause I really don’t know how to explain pregnancy or Kasumi hiding her almost dead sister in the closet. So Kasumi and the random chick go to France where they first hit up a church. Then Kasumi gets a kitten. Aw, looks like this story is religious AND cute…

KITTEN!

…until they go clubbing with Busta Rhymes. Busta promptly invites Kasumi to Mardi Gras and she accepts by flashing her breasts. The next day she sings in the church choir, after vomiting for approximately five hours.

Okay honestly, this is really painful. I don’t even think it’s funny anymore. I’m just going to skip to the end.

Kasumi dies.


And that's the end of Unpredictable Fate. If you'd like to read for yourself, or just make your eyeballs bleed, go here.


The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 2, will be posted as soon as I stop bleeding.