The Blind Assassins: A Brief History That Is Mostly True

The Blind Assassins are a Tuesday Night Trivia team from Bolton, Massachusetts. They were formed sometime in early July of 2009. This 6 person group consists of Allison Slater, geography and history whiz, Bethany Slade, art connoisseur, Kim Robinson, movie and TV expert, Alyssa Lawrence, literary madman, Nicholas Lawrence, science and math master, and Robert "Griffy" Griffith, noted song master with a good overall knowledge of baseball. The team ended their summer season on August 18, 2009.

Pictured: The Blind Assassins

The Blind Assassins have a good overall knowledge of useless facts, an attribute that makes them score consistently high in trivia. Despite setbacks, the team usually manages to do well until the last bonus question, claiming, "It's all or nothing, bitch! Go big or go home!" Several setbacks include missing team members and "hard questions." A notable absence from the team was Mr. Griffith, who disappeared for three weeks sometime in July. When asked about his whereabouts, he said he had been fishing in Utica, NY. Mr. Griffith was not present for the team's last game of Summer 09.


The team has placed several times. Their first brush with a title came in early July, when they tied for third. As a tie-breaker, they were asked how many noodles came in a Campbells Soup can. Their answer, 100, fell short of the 218 noodles that are in the can, and thus were pushed into fourth place. A couple weeks later, they captured the third place spot at last.

Seeing that there was no where to go but up, the next week the team placed first, winning a $30 gift certificate to The Old Timer, where Tuesday Night Trivia was held. During the next game, the team promptly bought two orders of potato skins, four orders of chicken fingers, and a round of drinks.

The Blind Assassins then went on to claim second place, winning themselves T shirts, with labels such as "Jameson & Son," "Guinness," and "Smirnoff." There was much celebration at this fact, and everybody went home extremely happy, feeling that their lives were finally complete.

Pictured: Completeness

It was around this time that the aforementioned "Griffy" disappeared for three weeks, and so The Blind Assassins had to change their name or face the shame and humiliation of losing very, very badly. The name changed to Panic Attack in the first week, Whompachusetts in the second, and The Bubonic Plague in the third. Each time the team failed miserably, but it was okay because no one knew who they were.

Upon Mr. Giffith's return, the team did noticeably better, although still bombed every time they got to the final bonus question.

Perhaps the biggest controversy of all occurred during the team's last game, on August 18. The Blind Assassins had cleverly cracked a secret code, and found out that all the answers to the questions were in alphabetical order. The team soared, answering question after question right. Some answers were wrong, but most were right, which is really all that matters. The bonus question, "What is the name of Edgar's exterminator truck in Men In Black?" wasn't too difficult, and the team wrote down Zapp. However, the technically correct answer was "Zapp 'Em." Upon finding out that they did not actually have 98 points and second place, The Blind Assassins proceeded to "fuck shit up," amassing about $500 in damage as they rampaged across the tables. One could be heard yelling, "WE GOT THE FRIGGEN NOD! WE TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE GOT THAT QUESTION!" Another merely screamed and smashed glasses. Fans of The Blind Assassins have stood faithfully by them, claiming them to be the real winners, forever and for always.


The Blind Assassins have also participated several times in Bonus Trivia, which they won in mid July. Each member went home with a $10 cash prize and happiness.

Pictured: Happiness.

The Blind Assassins are currently on hiatus, waiting for the start of their winter season. Each member is training hard, and the team can be expected to be back on top once more.

Observations About the Train I Am On, And Other Things

I only really have one observation, and that is because my other one (I am the only non-asian on this train) was proven to be false once the train stopped at Lincoln.

The free wi-fii is pathetically PATHETICALLY slow. Like I understand that its free, and its on a moving train. But still. It's slower than my computer at work, which is a crappy PC and crashes about 3 times a day.

Other Things:

I have been lazy and therefore haven't thought of a hilarious topic to titillate you with. That's a good word, isn't it, titillate. Ttiitttiiillllaaatteee. Yeah.

Yesterday, however, I did see someone get arrested for selling crack. Like the police car chased him down and this guy grabbed him and put him on the hood of the car hands behind the back and everything. It was intense, and I almost got hit with the cop car.

Speaking of intense, I had an intense charlie horse in my neck about an hour ago and it's still extremely sore. All I did was turn my head and then BAM. I was on the ground incapacitated and swearing. That's not at all interesting, and I'm sorry.

I did have the opportunity to name a hamster though. Its previous name was Hamster. I named it Sir Nathaniel Remington Vanderbilt III. Much improved, I think.

If I ever have kids, they're going to have the most glorious names.