Wanted: New Role Model

Okay so remember in the first entry how I really wanted the URL for this to be PINKPOWERRANGER? Yeah. I've been doing some thinking... I used to watch Mighty Morphin Power Rangers a lot when I was little, although I don't remember much. I do remember thinking that the pink power ranger, Kimberly Hart, was awesome. Plus, she totally had this thing going with the green power ranger after he was done being evil. I dreamed of the day when I could fight evil in a hot pink spandex suit.

Well, I can safely say that I still do not have a pink spandex suit. Nor have I punched any bad guys in the face. Plus, I like to think that I've grown up a little since I was 7. So I'm looking for a new role model, someone whose wise example I can follow whenever I need advice.

I have narrowed down my final choice to three people/cartoon characters. They are:


1. Nikola Tesla

So you know how Edison invented electricity? Well guess what. Nikola Tesla did it a 1000 times better.

This man is HOT.

Instead of a direct current that Edison so obstinately pursued, Tesla invented the alternating current. Once business partners, Tesla left after Edison refused to pay him the promised price for all his awesome work. (The jerk!) Once Tesla had perfected the AC system in the late 1880s, Edison went bankrupt. None of this really matters.

What's really important about Tesla is that he literally was a mad scientist. He invented, among other things, the Tesla coil, wireless techonology, the radio, and teleforce. I don't even know what teleforce is, but it sounds awesome. He also had a fucking death ray.

Pictured: Fucking Death Ray

Okay, so it was technically a giant particle beam. Whatever. It shot energy particles through the air with such tremendous energy that it could bring down a fleet of 10,000 enemy planes at a distance of 250 miles. That sounds like a death ray to me.

Tesla was also extremely eccentric, had OCD, liked to do things in multiples of threes and had an intense love for pigeons.


2. Captain Murphy

Ballin.

For those of you who watch Sealab 2021 will understand me when I say that Captain Murphy is the best character on the show. For those of you that don't, allow me to explain.

Basically, Sealab is an under water base where the crew members supposedly conduct under water researchy type things. They don't actually do this. Captain Murphy is their leader, although he spends more time being awesome than doing any actual leading. He owns a Happy Cake oven and wears strange hats for no reason. He has the ability to institute Martian law. He has a pet gloop named Squishface. In one episode, he becomes a robot with chainsaw hands.


NEED I GO ON?


3. Billy Mays

Okay, I realize this may be a touchy subject, because Billy Mays is, after all, dead. Which is incredibly sad, and may he rest in peace. Really, I'm sure he was a brilliant man. After all, he could sell just about anything. And when I say anything, I mean he could probably sell a piece of wood with a nail in it just by shouting about it.

Like remember oxyclean? It was so awesome Billy Mays couldn't just talk about it, he had to shout it out to the whole world. And then there was mighty putty, orange clean, Kaboom!, grip wrench, Zorbeez... the list goes on.

What Billy Mays taught us is that with the right volume and a magnificent beard, you could sell just about anything.

Indeed.

So my choices are thus:

1. A mad scientist with a huge death ray.
2. A mad captain that turned into a robot with chainsaw hands (once).
3. A man with the ability to sell ANYTHING.


All three are worthy choices, but I'm going to have to go with chainsaw hands. I mean, what can possibly be cooler?

Congratulations Captain Murphy, you win. Punch it, ho bag.

Creppy Looking Animals #4-6

Continuing on with the previous post, here are animals #4 - 6 that look bat shit crazy scary, but are actually kind of cool.

4. The Pink Fairy Armadillo

If this doesn't make you say "What the fuck...?" I don't know what will. The name makes it sound flamboyant and possibly homosexual, but it does not look anything of the sort.


It. looks. like. a GIANT HAIRY COCKROACH. with claws. LARGE claws. It doesn't look pink, nor fairy-like. Maybe it's just a bad picture. Maybe.

These.... things... live in Argentina, among the cacti and the shrubbery, burying themselves in 5 seconds if they get freaked out. So basically if you walk by one, chances are you're not going to see it. And the Pink Fairy Armadillo is not the type of creature to suddenly leap out and attach itself to your face. That would be the Australian Funnel Web Spider. Which lives in Australia. Where you should never ever go. Ever.

Point is, these fairy armadillos only eat ants and ant larvae. So you don't have to worry about them trying to bite your arm off. Unless your arm looks like an ant.

5. The Aye Aye

The adults of this species look okay. They have fur, at least. The babies, however, look like they want to steal your soul. And your babies. And every single joyful thing in your world. It will do this just by looking at you.

I want your babies.

Soul sucking ability aside, the Aye Aye is actually quite clever. It hops around Madagascarian trees, knocking on the wood. Why, you ask? Well tapping lets it know where the grubs are, and grubs = yummy. Once it finds its meal, it gnaws a hole through the freakin wood, inserts its middle finger, and draws the bugs out. (Is it just me, or does this seem strangely sexual?) In addition to being clever, the Aye Aye is also the world's largest nocturnal primate.

The good news is that it doesn't really suck your soul. It might steal whatver coconuts or mangos you have lying around, but not your babies. Oh, and it grows into this:

Much better than that god forsaken hairless thing it started out as.

6. The Human Face Fish

I'm sure most of you have either heard of this fish or perhaps seen it somewhere. If you haven't, let it be known that its not just creepy, its also a little unsettling.


The eyes are actually not those dots on the front of the head, they're those weird lumps on the side. Still, that doesnt take away the impression that this human face on a fish is screaming every time it opens its mouth.

The good news though, is that it lives in Korea, in a pond, not in the wild. So you don't have to worry about encountering one while scuba diving and consequently having a heart attack. It will not eat you or try to mutilate your face. It will mostly just scare the crap out of you.

As for cool things it can do, there isn't any. Sorry. This one is just creepy. Harmless, but creepy.

6 Animals That Look Scary, But Are Actually Quite Cool Once You Get Over the Whole "WHAT THE FUCK" Part

As the people at cracked.com like to say, "Mother nature has got it out for us, and so has filled the earth with hundreds of creepy animals that can kill you in half a second." (I'm paraphrasing.)

Well I'm going to follow that thinking, and instead of supplying information on how many creatures can kill you and where they live (hint: Australia), I will list animals that actually won't kill you. Albeit animals that look like they crawled out from God knows where, but still pretty harmless.

1. The Wolf Eel

I originally found this one through a facebook quiz. The picture result was thus:

I immediately screamed, "DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING," and hid under my covers. I don't know if that's a dead and bloated wolf eel or what, but this is what they really look like.

Although it looks like an old man that can eat you, your family, and your dog all in one sitting, the wolf eel is actually quite peaceful. They are found mainly in the Pacific northwest, and are a favorite among scuba divers. They live in dens, and eat mainly sea urchins and other spiny things that seem impossible to digest. Wikipedia notes that they can be aggressive, but come on, its wikipedia. All other sources have noted that they are mostly friendly creatures, so I suppose one will try and bite your arm off, say, if you punch it in the nose. But come on, who would want to do that to THIS?

Om nom nom nom!

2. The Sea Pig

This too, was found through a facebook quiz. Unfortunately, this animal really does look like this. Nothing can be done to save it.

The oddity does not stop there. Although not much is known about it, we do know that what a sea pig actually is is a sea cucumber. It lives on the bottom of the ocean floor and it eats mud. I am not making this up. Also, the sea pig seems to be the most abundant type of animal down there. As extremescience.com puts it, "The sea floor must be 'hog heaven' for these sea pigs!" Indeed. Maybe there is something to be said for eating mud. And, you know, it doesn't look that freaky once you get used to it. Maybe it's kind of cute?

Nope. Still kind of freaky.

3. Attenborough's Long-Beaked Echidna


Long thought to be extinct, this particular species of echidna has recently been found Papua New Guinea. Other species, such as the short-beaked echidna, live where all the rest of the freaky animals live: Australia. And if you need to know why they are freaky, look below. Yeah, there's a lot of phallic imagery going on there.

It just wants a high five.

Phallic imagery aside, these guys are pretty cool. They're like a very confused ant eater crossed with a platypus. They eat ants and other bugs pretty much the same way ant eaters do - they slurp them up using their long, sticky tongues. Not only are they sticky, their tongues have tiny spines on them to capture meals. And they lay eggs like a platypus. And their noses look like penises.

AND they're CUTE!

This is getting long, and I know some people have the attention span of gnats or flies or echidnas with cameras, so for animals 4-6, stay tuned!

Dear Ikea: You Fucking Suck

Let me tell you about the mindfuck that is Ikea. For those of you that don't know what Ikea is, it is a large, VERY large, store that is boggling in its set up and sells mostly glorified cardboard furniture. Picture something like a cross between Target and the Home Depot.

Let's tackle the Target part first. To pick out your furniture, you walk through an endless maze of showrooms, find something you like, write it down. This actually sounds like a good idea, except for the whole endless maze part. And the furniture isn't THAT bad. Although parts of it do look an awful lot like cardboard, it is actually wood particle, which is a step up from plain old cardboard. Not the best furniture, but okay. Yet, unfortunately, this seemingly good idea cannot last long.

After wandering through a labyrinth of desks, dressers, and beds, all while slowly starving to death, one can finally reach their destination. That destination not being the check out, like one would assume, but the Home Depot section. Picture a warehouse with huge aisles 50 feet high. You, the shopper, must find each piece of furniture that you wrote down, put it on a cart, and lug that whole mess to the check out line. BY YOURSELF. No, you cannot get to the home delivery section unless you pay first. No, home delivery will not hold your furniture for a month and a half. Yes, there are Ikea guys to help you, but those bright yellow shirts suddenly become really hard to find.

So, in short, you must save your list of furniture, and come back at a later date with a small army to help you gather the massive amount of shit you need.

Now, keep all that in mind. Sounds bad enough with just you, right? WRONG. Put about a bajillion people in there with you. 60% are foreign, and 90% have kids. 50% of those kids are either screaming, crying, or both. Despite the fact that there a dumping ground for small children right inside the entrance, these parents choose to drag their screaming, running, out of control kids through the store. Did I also mention it's really confusing to get from bedrooms to textiles? Try to navigate that with 50 small children running into you.

The only semi awesome part is this escalator that you can actually bring your shopping cart down. The wheels somehow lock into place, and you basically go down a giant moving ramp. If only they got ride of the escalator part and just made a giant chute, which you had to ride down in said shopping cart. The rest of Ikea would be so worth it.

The Goose

My mom and I were on our way to Ikea, driving somewhere on the mass turnpike, when I spotted a dark object in front of us. I leaned forward, squinting. "What the hell is that?" I exclaimed.

My mom peers forward as well. "A bird?"

It is indeed a bird, and a very large one at that. It switches the right lane, and as we pass it, I find myself looking at a very confused and startled goose. I wish I had gotten a picture of it, but I was too flabbergasted to find my phone and snap a picture. As we pass it, I look behind us and see it land unsteadily in the breakdown lane, and stumble into the bushes like it's drunk.

Another car passes us on the right, one who must have seen this amazing alcoholic goose land on a fricken HIGHWAY, yet the people stare straight ahead with nothing but blank expressions.

What is wrong with people? How is that not funny?

The 5 People I Would Definitely Kill To Meet.

1. Regina Spektor

If you know me at all, then you know that I could not possibly make a "5 people I want to meet list" without having Regina Spektor be on there somewhere. Not only does she make awesome, original music, she's friggen adorable.

Enough said.

2. Eric Idle

Okay, so meeting anybody from Monty Python would be awesome. But out of all of them, I would say my favorite is Eric Idle, with John Cleese coming in a close second. For the reason, please view this video:



Please note how the beer shoots up when Terry Jones slams it down on the table.

3. David Sedaris



I recently read his book "When You Are Engulfed In Flames" and I'm now wondering why I never read anything of his before. His stories are so creative and awesome that I think I could make my boring life sound exciting and hilarious, if only I could write like him. Here's an excerpt:

"If I was a child and saw something creeping out of a hole in my mother’s leg, I would march to the nearest orphanage and put myself up for adoption. I would burn all pictures of her, destroy anything she had ever given me, and start all over because that is simply disgusting. A dad can be crawling with parasites and somehow it’s OK, but on a mom, or any woman, really, it’s unforgivable."

Now go read the book.

Also, his sister Amy Sedaris was on a show on Comedy Central called "Strangers with Candy." She plays Jerri, a 46 year old woman who is going back to high school after a strange life of stripping, prostitution and larceny in order to support her drug habit. The show also features Stephen Colbert as a gay history professor and numerous life lessons such as "You never really 'lose' your parents. Unless of course they die. Then they're gone forever. And nothing will bring them back."

4. Shakespeare
This one pretty much goes without saying. Think of all the questions you could ask, such as "So did you really write all that?" and "Hey, are you a homosexual?" Also, I would really love to shake him while yelling "WHATS THE DEAL WITH YOU AND WOMEN ANYWAY??"

Then I'd go back to my Shakespeare class, show them a video of the answers, and then everybody would cheer because I'd just given them an easy way to get an A. You'll never have to explain anything anymore, just a "Because Shakespeare said so," would suffice. You're welcome.

Actually, I really do like Shakespeare, and I dont mind reading it or discussing it. I think it's fun because I am nerd. And also because there's usually some sexual reference involved.

5. Jesus Christ

Now, please, before you go running in the opposite direction screaming, "ITS A JESUS FREAK! NO I DONT WANT YOUR PAMPHLETS! RUNNNNNNN!!!" please just calm down.

I would merely like to point out that finding out for sure what's real and what isn't would probably solve a lot of problems.

Plus, there's this:



OH. MY. GOD.

First

Right, so I really wanted to have the URL to this be http://PINKPOWERRANGER.blogspot but unfortunately that name has been taken.

Now that that's out of the way...

I'm not really sure why I'm making this blog, perhaps so when something weird happens to me I can write about it in an amusing fashion. Or maybe I'll chronicle my adventures as I do nothing but eat, sleep, work and go to class. EXCITING. Or, maybe I'll write about the fiasco that is sure to ensue when I move into my apartment in September. Or maybe I'll write about failed cooking attempts. Or maybe I'll write about how amusing Elizabethan notions about procreation are.

The Point is, I think, that I have gone far too long without doing something creative, and I need to start doing so again. This is probably going to be very immature 95% of the time, while at the same time being really cool. Somewhat. If you are the type of person that still giggles when you hear the word "poop" then you shouldn't have problem.

That's not to say I'm immature ALL THE TIME. I am quite capable of being serious and mature when the occasion calls for it.

I also have goals for this summer. They are as follows:

1. Get an A in Shakespeare Comedies: This will only happen if I keep talking in class. That's my biggest problem because usually I say nothing and sometimes I am far far too tired to think of an intelligible/witty response.

2. Jump off the SCARIEST BRIDGE IN THE WORLD aka some bridge in Harvard. That way, if my mom ever says, "If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump off too?" I would then be able to say "YES BECAUSE ITS FRIGGEN AWESOME and/or PANTS SHITTING SCARY." I also feel it would add to my daring nature. Which isn't daring. At all.

I only have two goals right now. This may be slightly problematic.

Well, I feel the only solution to this right now is to eat oreo cookie ice cream, watch TV, and feel very proud of myself for writing complete sentences.