Dear Ikea: You Fucking Suck

Let me tell you about the mindfuck that is Ikea. For those of you that don't know what Ikea is, it is a large, VERY large, store that is boggling in its set up and sells mostly glorified cardboard furniture. Picture something like a cross between Target and the Home Depot.

Let's tackle the Target part first. To pick out your furniture, you walk through an endless maze of showrooms, find something you like, write it down. This actually sounds like a good idea, except for the whole endless maze part. And the furniture isn't THAT bad. Although parts of it do look an awful lot like cardboard, it is actually wood particle, which is a step up from plain old cardboard. Not the best furniture, but okay. Yet, unfortunately, this seemingly good idea cannot last long.

After wandering through a labyrinth of desks, dressers, and beds, all while slowly starving to death, one can finally reach their destination. That destination not being the check out, like one would assume, but the Home Depot section. Picture a warehouse with huge aisles 50 feet high. You, the shopper, must find each piece of furniture that you wrote down, put it on a cart, and lug that whole mess to the check out line. BY YOURSELF. No, you cannot get to the home delivery section unless you pay first. No, home delivery will not hold your furniture for a month and a half. Yes, there are Ikea guys to help you, but those bright yellow shirts suddenly become really hard to find.

So, in short, you must save your list of furniture, and come back at a later date with a small army to help you gather the massive amount of shit you need.

Now, keep all that in mind. Sounds bad enough with just you, right? WRONG. Put about a bajillion people in there with you. 60% are foreign, and 90% have kids. 50% of those kids are either screaming, crying, or both. Despite the fact that there a dumping ground for small children right inside the entrance, these parents choose to drag their screaming, running, out of control kids through the store. Did I also mention it's really confusing to get from bedrooms to textiles? Try to navigate that with 50 small children running into you.

The only semi awesome part is this escalator that you can actually bring your shopping cart down. The wheels somehow lock into place, and you basically go down a giant moving ramp. If only they got ride of the escalator part and just made a giant chute, which you had to ride down in said shopping cart. The rest of Ikea would be so worth it.