This festering turd of a story is called Welcome to the House of Night Child of Neferet. Yes, it is really called that. I mean, really. How much more unimaginative can you get? I suppose I should also mention that this fan fiction takes place in the House of Night series, where young people are marked as vampires by other vampires pointing dramatically at the young people, whereupon the young people get weird tattoos on their foreheads. Then they all hole up in this giant house and try not to attack each other or drink human blood or go into a fit of seizures and die, all the while being ruled by an evil vampire named Neferet. Also, there are evil red eyed vampires. The main character of this series, a young girl named Zoey Redbird, seems normal enough until she gets marked and then has approximately ten boyfriends and five lovers and has sex with all of them. Seriously, it’s ridiculous. I only read the first couple books, so I only saw about three boyfriends, but believe me, MORE COME. Because, much like Bella Swan, Zoey is a bitch.
Now that you have some background, on to the bad fan fiction.
From the first sentence, it is bad. It is clear that this is one of those stories where the author must describe how EVERYONE looks, but most importantly of all, how she looks, which she does through the main character. It’s not an accurate representation of her looks, but instead how she wishes to look. Also, it becomes quite clear that the main character, Chloe Hall, has special powers. As if that’s not enough, the author’s name is also Chloe. And thus, we witness the birth of a Mary Sue.
Chloe Hall dresses like any other wannabe vampire – straight out of Hot Topic. (Which, incidentally, is owned by Claire’s. PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.) Anyway, after describing her tank top and tight, tight, jeans, and the snake named Jeckel that she wears on her shoulder, she admires her orange hair that reaches the floor. Although we learn later that she is the daughter of Neferet, the evil vampire mentioned above, this makes it sound more like she is the illegitimate offspring of Cousin It.
Truly terrifying.She is then marked, blah blah, meets two girls (both with impossible hair) who will bring her to the House of Night, and then is dragged into her “gorgeous neon green mini convertible.” What? Seriously, if I ever see a car like that, I will puke. How is neon green gorgeous? How does it not look like a tub of silly putty molded into the shape of a car? I bet this girl wears silly bandz on her arms. She seems the type.
You are a silly child.Anyway, Chloe gets to the H.O.N. and meets Zoey, who has apparently settled down and married Stark, one of her lovers or whatever. Zoey takes the time to patiently explain who the characters are that we have briefly seen, what they do, who their mentors are, and if they have any pets and what their pets’ names are, and so on and so forth. I do not jest – Anya and Saffron, the two that bring Chloe, have a cat named Jadeybob. It’s probably the most unfortunate cat in existence. It probably wants to die for the shame of having such an awful name.
The face of shame.The next couple chapters we are introduced to Anya and Saffron and their boyfriends, who are named Jasper and Remus. It is no coincindence that Anya is obsessed with Twlight and Saffron with Harry Potter. OH MY GOD THEIR BOYFRIEND’S NAMES ARE THE SAME AS CHARACTERS IN THOSE BOOKS HOW CLEVER. Chloe quickly becomes enamored with her marker, who is named Tom. Tom starts calling Chloe “snake charmer.” How original. Oh Tom, you definitely know how to woo. Also, it seems they only have two classes that first day. LACK OF PLOT ALARM.
I quickly learn that Chloe spends half her time narrating her outfit changes, and the color of the fishnets she’s wearing, and how her make up looks. The author readily admits she spends time thinking of outfits for Chloe to wear. It brings to mind a rather horrifying image, but let’s not dwell on that. Her friends tell her she looks fantastic and she goes on a date with Tom. The next morning, Chloe attempts to leave and eat breakfast in her pajamas, but Anya stops her screaming “DO NOT GO OUT THERE LIKE THAT!” Because apparently Tom is out there and if he sees her like that he will never ask her out again, ever, because Tom is a shallow bastard.
Actually, I don't blame him.But all is well! Tom asks Chloe to a dance, she accepts, and has a omg totally scene dress! SURPRISE – it’s neon green. At the dance, a slutty vampire named Shannon Marie approaches and is predictably bitchy, but strangely accurate when she comments that a rainbow threw up on Chloe. Anyway, they dance, Chloe learns that she is telekinetic and can talk to snakes, and then reveals that she can also spin a mean beat, because WHAT CANT SHE DO?
The next morning Tom tells her he has a reputation as a ladies man. Chloe responds with a violent earthquake, because that’s how shit goes down. Also, Chloe is a bitch, and responds violently to any honesty or offers of help.
Run, bitches. Run.The next chapter is an array of different points of view and they don’t make any sense at all. Chloe runs away, runs into her twin brother, Alex, because EVERYONE HAS A FREAKING TWIN. Tom is Anya’s twin. Why shouldn’t Chloe have one? You have a twin! You have a twin too! Everybody gets a twin!
And a humpback whale!Eventually Chloe drives back and isn’t mad anymore, because…well, who knows. Maybe she’s having her period.
The next chapter, and the last one, is a whole lot of nothing. Chloe and gang go to class. Alex visits Chloe, then admits he’s hearing their evil mum talk inside his head. And thus is ends, and I am glad I no longer have to feel like I’m stabbing hot irons into my eyeballs.
