Really Bad Fanfiction: Everything Goes to Hell

I may have ripped apart fanfiction before in the name of comedy, but this…. this absolute piece of utter shit… THIS IS PERSONAL. Well. Not really. But I feel like it is. And besides that, this… thing has everything in it that makes fanfiction bad and horrible and generally unreadable (unless, you know, the author has actually taken an English class).

This heap of steaming dung, entitled Emerald and Topaz, starts off at St. Mungos after the final battle, where Harry Potter-Black sits in a hospital room staring at a chess board. You should know that in this story, Harry has long hair, a black rose tattoo on his neck, and a shit load of scars.


Yeah, it’s one of those stories.

Also, Malfoy, Hermione, Neville, Blaise, and Luna have all become Harry’s siblings. Normally I would say I have no idea how, but this time I do:

“Hermione had lost her parents while Luna lost her dad, both were alone and Harry didn't want that for his friends. So him and Severus worked together and found a potion which would bind them together as siblings.”

We're all so happy together! And blonde!

Fuck. This is like the third paragraph. I shall give you some more background summed up into one paragraph rather than 11 chapters. Ron is dead, leaving behind an unfinished chess game with Harry which makes Harry cry a lot, Harry is gay and had a vampire boyfriend named Nathan, and then Nathan died too, Snape and Lupin are lovers, Lupin likes to refer to Harry as his “cub,” Malfoy is dating Hermione, Blaise is dating Ginny, and Neville is dating Luna, which is the only semi-rational thing in this mess, as the author may have well as just written plot points down on slips of paper and pulled them out of a fucking hat or closed her eyes and giggled as she pointed at random things. Which explains why Harry is poisoned and Sirius Black comes back to life as a dog named Padfoot.

This complicated chart that has nothing to do with the story somehow explains it all.

Anyway, Harry needs a change of scenery, so he moves to Forks (with his doggy pal, Padfoot aka Sirius), so it’s only natural that he meets the Cullens. But the first thing Harry has to do when he gets there is take a shower and have a moment to be really fucking retarded. The author includes a song that is by Apocalyptica. If you are familiar with Apocalyptica, you may be shaking your head and going “Awhaaahuh?” In my case, I grabbed the nearest object and threw it against the wall. Harry sings the song “I Don’t Care,” by Apocalyptica, featuring Adam Gontier while he’s in the shower, remembering back to the time when Pansy Parkinson betrayed him.

Yeah, she includes a song by these guys.

Okay, sure, Adam Gontier is from Three Days Grace and might be a hero of emos everywhere, I don’t know. All I know is that it’s a good fucking song and Apocalyptica DOES NOT DESERVE TO HAVE THEIR SONG DUMPED INTO THIS SHIT. Do you know what this is like? It’s like reading a story about rainbows and bunnies written by a 13-year-old and then seeing an Iron Maiden song sung by one of the emo ponies.

Yeah, it’s like being shot in the chest. And it also makes you want to throw whoever wrote it into a volcano.

INTO THE FIERY PIT OF DOOM! NOW!

Aaaaand this is just the first chapter! Yay! Onward!

Harry soon meets the Cullens, when he slips in the supermarket but Carlise CATCHES him. Oh thank God. Cause, you know, Harry might have died, and then this story wouldn’t have survived. Oh wait.

The next day he goes to school on a motorcycle (naturally) and meets the Cullens. Him and Edward immediately fall for each other. Naturally. Bella is in this story, but only as an afterthought. Because Bella is a bitch.

To sum up chapter two, all the Cullens like Harry, except Rosalie, because Rosalie hates everyone.

Die, scum.

As the story progressed onward, I started to notice that it didn’t really have a plot. Sure, once in a while Harry would get into some sort of scrape (almost dying in a fire, getting captured by Death Eaters and saved by the Cullens, telling the Cullens he’s MAGICAL), but mostly it focused on Harry being absolutely retarded, Edward gazing Harry’s eyes and calling him pet names (such as “my emerald,” or “my raven”), and the rest of Harry’s friends popping in whenever something completely mind fuckering needs to happen.

For example, Fred and George pop by one day and prank the entire Cullen family. Or take for instance when Snape and Lupin show up and Harry drinks a potion to get rid of the rest of the poison in his body. At one point Rosalie decides Harry is okay after he saves her from Death Eaters and then tells her how Pansy betrayed him to Voldemort, whereupon he was locked up and raped everyday.

Come on. Really? Really?

Now, lets tally something up. Poorly written? Check.
"You were the cause of my pain!"Harry said, his eyes brimming with betrayal.”

Predictable character with abusive background? Check.
“He pulled on a silver shirt and smiled lightly, pulling back his hair and tying it back using a blood-red cloth, revealing a black rose on the right side of his neck.”

Lack of plot? Check.

Unneccessary rape? Check.
“Voldemort locked and bound me in a cell where I was raped nearly every day by his followers.”

The only thing that’s left is male pre—
“Harry, what do you know of male pregnancy's?"Poppy asked, watching as Harry's eyes widened.”

Oh dear God.

Well Harry’s not pregnant yet. He just has the ability to be pregnant cause he’s all powerful and shit. And also has the ability to spontaneously grow a vagina.



Ending, where is the damn ending to this thing? Oh. Right. Well I guess it’s a happy ending, if you like being completely mindfucked.

Harry and Edward get married. Harry gets pregnant. Harry starts acting like a little bitch. Harry gives birth to twins. Hermione and Luna get pregnant. Fred and George get married. (“Molly wasn't shocked at all at the choice; in fact I think I saw a spark in her eyes." Harry said smirking.) Everybody has kids.

Then I burst into tears because nobody died.

If you want to read this or you have a really sick sense of what comprises a good story, read it here.

Really Bad Fanfiction: Unintentionally Butchering Twilight

When you come across a fanfiction that butchers Twilight even further, you’ve got to wonder if the author may have actual skill. The answer to this is always, “No, no they do not.” What makes this Twilight fic, called Seeing Through My Eyes, especially baffling is that Bella falls in love with James, who while in the regular books tries to eat Bella, is just a normal sexy bad boy vampire in this story.

Riiiight. Totally not gonna eat you.

To start this off, Bella wakes up one morning while her mom, positively bouncing all over the place with excitement (or drugs) tells Bella that her and John are getting married. Who is John? you may ask. Well beats me. In the books she marries a guy named Phil, but he apparently got sucked into a black hole. Getting married to John requires that they all move to Florida because John plays minor league baseball. LAME.

Apparently Bella thinks so too, and throws an absolute shit fit and says that she’s moving to Forks. She texts Jessica the phone screams out text messages like Bella and Jessica are having a shouting match. “HEY JESSICA CAN UR MOM TAKE US 2 TEH AIRPORTZ? WE CAN GO LIVE IN FORKS WITH MY DAD.”

“YEAH SURE THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN WOO-HOO!”

Jessica’s mom, when presented with an opportunity to get Jessica out of the house, no matter how ridiculous, short notice, or absolutely fucked it may seem, absolutely jumps on it. This should tell you something about Jessica.

Take her! TAKE HER!

While waiting for “Chief Swan” to pick them up once they get to Forks (apparently telling your dad that you and your friend are going to come live with him beforehand isn’t all the important or required), Bella meets Jacob and spots James the murderous vampire waiter off in the distance. Immediately she falls in love. When he asks her what she wants to eat, she gets a 16 oz T-bone steak (or two) with mashed potatoes because she’s a fat fat fatty mcfatson.

Bella’s dad brings everyone except James to Bella’s house, where they meet Jacob’s dad, Billy. Jacob is free to stay with Bella and Jessica while the two men go have a “Man’s night out.” They proceed to do this every single night. Can you say “gay”? And I mean like actually homosexual. As in, Charlie is never at home cause he always stays over with Billy.

I smell a cheap plot device.

Aaand later James joins the party. Not the older homosexual party, but the teenagers and hormones party. And the next day they all go shopping! Because guys love going shopping with girls. Because they’d most definitely rather do that then stick their head in a bucket of live eels.

I'm pretty sure they'd take the eels.

Bella is just getting back into the car to head back when…

“"RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGG!", my phone screamed at me.”

Ring-a-DING, motherfucker.

It’s Charlie, only mildly concerned where his erstwhile daughter is. His main concern is that he gets to stay at Billy’s house another night.

The next day, after some nearly naked encounters between Bella and James (OMFG HOT) they all head off to school except Jacob, who walks home alone because no one likes him except Jessica, and she doesn’t matter. At all. At school, Bella meets Christina, who loves Emmett (one of the vampires) and has turned stalking into a professional sport. When she gets Emmett’s voice on tape, she hyperventilates about how she can fall asleep to it every night.

Unfortunately, James also has a stalker, but Bella punches her out and gets suspended from school for the next two days. She also gets a first offense, and her dad is super pissed that she might go on probation again.

Wait, what? Bella’s not a bitch?

Before we can ponder on this further, James shows up at Bella’s house, cause he’s got something of the stalker gene himself. Or because Bella is a bitch and begged him to come over.

Anyway, blah blah blah, they all go to the beach, blah blah blah, everyone gets together with everyone else, blah blah blah, they drink some alcohol.

And it's not even good alcohol.

The next day Bella is awoken by her phone screaming, “IT’S MOM PICK UP THE PHONE.” They proceed to have a two second conversation, long enough for the guilty parent to get in a few “I love you’s” to the neglected, retarded child.

Later, on the way to Taco bell, everybody gets in an accident and Bella breaks two ribs and her arm. I mention this only because as soon as Charlie gets Bella home, he goes zipping off to Billy’s house again.

Or to Taco Bell. Tacos > Bella.

I’m starting to see a pattern here.

And the whole story ends with James telling Bella that he’s a vampire LULZ. The end