The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 3

I've got nothing better to do, so I do this. I'm pretty sure my brain will start melting out of my skull soon. Anyway, it is with much head bashing that I bring you this Lord of the Rings fanfiction called A Simple Maiden.

This one starts out with questions, only to create more along the way. Seriously, here’s the first line: “Up the escalator? Or down? Give the beggar my change? Or ignore him completely? Get a Caramel Mocha Frappe? Or buy the Hot Chocolate?”

Answer: FUCK. YOU.

To any sane person, these questions are easy to answer (use the stairs you fat ass; ignore the begger; what the fuck is a caramel mocha frappe?) but apparently the narrator, named Belle Angela Roseleigh, has no frontal lobes. And this is just the preface.

Our story starts will dear Belle angry at the sky for fucking daring to rain on her. She escapes to a café and almost has a brain aneurysm while deciding what to drink. She then takes out her laptop (presumably from her ass) and continues typing a 10 page paper that’s due the next day. She is on page 124 when – Wait, what? A TEN PAGE PAPER AND YOU’RE ON FUCKING PAGE 124? Does the author even know how hard it is to write ten pages? What the fuck is wrong with this girl? Seriously.

The product of indecisiveness and a poor social life. Also, cocaine.

Anyway, she gets freaked out by this strange man staring at her, runs to her mom’s house, and discovers that her mom is dead. She also finds a note that says something to the effect of “I’m watching youuuu” so she drives away and stays in a hotel. Since Belle wants to prepared, she goes to a sporting goods store and buys “a couple of hand guns and six boxes of ammo.” Yeah. Simple as that. Couple of hand guns, no big deal.

No permit required, bitch.

At this point I began smacking my head against the wall. After this point, the story changes so dramatically you kind of forget that this is the same girl that can’t make any fucking decisions.

In the next chapter, it connects to Lord of the Rings at last. Kind of. Belle runs to her friends Benj and Ivan, who are twins, where they reveal they are elfin and being hunted by some evil dudes or something… And there’s something about an elfin land being sent to the mortal realm. Soo they run away to the sound of gunshots (described as “Tud-d-d-d-dd-d!”) and drive somewhere far, far way. Like Nebraska. I think.

On the way to Nebraska, the truck flips over and there’s more of the Tud-d-d-dd-d! Our heroes manage to escape (I don’t know how) and set up camp. Obviously the most important thing they do is hang their food from a tree. Yeah, cause fucking bears are obviously not the least of your worries. The next day they meet up some other elfin folk, and all start trudging towards the portal together (I don’t know where the portal came from). They are attacked and freed by Eomer. FINALLY A LORD OF THE RINGS REFERENCE. And Gandalf is mentioned too! Unfortunately, that’s about as far as it goes. They ride to Rohan where Eomer presents Belle with a billion bath products, cause apparently Eomer is as gay as a fruitcake in this story.

I've brought you some BAAATHHH PRRROODDDUCCTTSSS!!!

Or not, because there’s a battle in which Belle gives Eomer her scarf beforehand, which apparently means they are BETROTHED. I’m pretty sure this is not actually true in the real Lord of the Rings. Correct me if I’m wrong. Eomer seems thrilled so maybe he isn’t gay. Belle goes all doe eyed and says, “I’m gonna love you and ride with you into battles and fight by your side the WHOLE TIME! It will be soooo romantic!” Or something to that effect anyway.

Or not, (again) because apparently Eomer is a HUGE player and not only fucking betrothed to some princess, but also getting it on with some girl in the stables. Belle sulks about until she sees the dreamy Legolas and immediately forgets who Eomer is. What a slut.

This is perhaps the most backwards story I've ever read.