The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 4

I may have to come up with more creative titles for these soon. In any case, I had four - that's FOUR WHOLE PEOPLE - tell me that they liked this fanfiction thing and that I was hilarious and awesome and could I sign their napkin for them please? Naturally I did, and I sent them on their merry way, convinced that I was making other's lives better simply by providing humor.

That being said, here is a crossover LOTR and Star Trek slash fic called Sons of the Stars.

I know you all just went "Whaa...?" Well hold onto your hats folks, cause shit's about to get ugly. In fact, I'm still twitching. And while you definitely want to read this review, you probably don't want to read the actual story because there is a 47% chance that reading the first chapter will ruin the show/movie for you, and a 100% that any of the next seven chapters will completely ruin all hope of you ever coming out from under your bed again.

Unless there is a monster under your bed. In which case, you're fucked.

Let me elaborate – it’s slash. Slash between Picard from Star Trek and Elrond from Lord of the Rings. If you are any sort of nerd I will not have to explain the characters and the horror that this brings to mind. Not the fact that it’s, well, gay, but because these two characters are never ever supposed to mingle ever. Picard is the manly captain of the Starship Enterprise, and Elrond is a rather stern looking elf.

STEERRRRRRNNNNN!

For those of you that don’t know, slash means that there is a same sex pairing within the story. These vary from slightly innocent meetings (awww) to HOLY SHIT I DID NOT WANT TO READ THAT. For the sake of humor, I read this. Then I cried.

I suppose I should have taken into consideration that this came from an adult fanfiction site, but it was late when I wrote this, and I was tired, and in my semi-delusional mind I failed to recognize the significance of the word “adult” or the fact that I had to sign into the website, and also the fact that I did so under the alias of Sir Edgarton Cheesebury.

The basic summary is this: Picard crash lands on Middle-Earth while on his way to a much need vacation. He is gravely injured, found by Elrond, and nursed back to health. Picard spends the next couple of chapters or so playing the flute, watching elf celebrations, and sneaking off into the woods. Elrond spends the next couple of chapters making subtle innuendos, that sly bastard.

No, I will not "blow your flute"! FUCK. YOU.

Despite this, for the first four and a half chapters, I allowed myself to believe that there would be no uncomfortable sexual scenes, and that despite its weirdness, the author had to be given points for minimal spelling errors. Then Picard went all emo on my ass.

“I just need time to myself,” Picard said, trying to move away.

“No,” Elrond stayed him with a firm, but gentle grip. “You have been alone with this far too long. Let me be here for you, Jean-Luc.”

“Elrond, I need to be on my own. No one understands!”

WAAAAAHHH.

Elrond persists and they – oh God – kiss.

I was afraid for the next chapter, but Picard does nothing more than play his flute and drink his almost Earl Grey tea (because elves have no fucking idea how to make a proper cup of tea), until about three quarters of the way down the chapter. Then I stopped reading and absolutely refused to continue.

No means NO!

Reluctantly, I skimmed chapter eight if only to get an idea of how this damn thing ends. Picard starts hearing Elrond’s thoughts, their souls mingle, yadda yadda yadda I-skipped-this-next-bit, and it ends with Picard rushing off after Elrond into a shaded glen.

Srsly.

In case you’d want to see for yourself (I have no idea why), click here. And if you do, don't say I didn't warn you.