This heap of steaming dung, entitled Emerald and Topaz, starts off at St. Mungos after the final battle, where Harry Potter-Black sits in a hospital room staring at a chess board. You should know that in this story, Harry has long hair, a black rose tattoo on his neck, and a shit load of scars.
Yeah, it’s one of those stories.
Also, Malfoy, Hermione, Neville, Blaise, and Luna have all become Harry’s siblings. Normally I would say I have no idea how, but this time I do:
“Hermione had lost her parents while Luna lost her dad, both were alone and Harry didn't want that for his friends. So him and Severus worked together and found a potion which would bind them together as siblings.”
We're all so happy together! And blonde!Fuck. This is like the third paragraph. I shall give you some more background summed up into one paragraph rather than 11 chapters. Ron is dead, leaving behind an unfinished chess game with Harry which makes Harry cry a lot, Harry is gay and had a vampire boyfriend named Nathan, and then Nathan died too, Snape and Lupin are lovers, Lupin likes to refer to Harry as his “cub,” Malfoy is dating Hermione, Blaise is dating Ginny, and Neville is dating Luna, which is the only semi-rational thing in this mess, as the author may have well as just written plot points down on slips of paper and pulled them out of a fucking hat or closed her eyes and giggled as she pointed at random things. Which explains why Harry is poisoned and Sirius Black comes back to life as a dog named Padfoot.
This complicated chart that has nothing to do with the story somehow explains it all.Anyway, Harry needs a change of scenery, so he moves to Forks (with his doggy pal, Padfoot aka Sirius), so it’s only natural that he meets the Cullens. But the first thing Harry has to do when he gets there is take a shower and have a moment to be really fucking retarded. The author includes a song that is by Apocalyptica. If you are familiar with Apocalyptica, you may be shaking your head and going “Awhaaahuh?” In my case, I grabbed the nearest object and threw it against the wall. Harry sings the song “I Don’t Care,” by Apocalyptica, featuring Adam Gontier while he’s in the shower, remembering back to the time when Pansy Parkinson betrayed him.
Yeah, she includes a song by these guys.
Okay, sure, Adam Gontier is from Three Days Grace and might be a hero of emos everywhere, I don’t know. All I know is that it’s a good fucking song and Apocalyptica DOES NOT DESERVE TO HAVE THEIR SONG DUMPED INTO THIS SHIT. Do you know what this is like? It’s like reading a story about rainbows and bunnies written by a 13-year-old and then seeing an Iron Maiden song sung by one of the emo ponies.
Yeah, it’s like being shot in the chest. And it also makes you want to throw whoever wrote it into a volcano.
INTO THE FIERY PIT OF DOOM! NOW!Aaaaand this is just the first chapter! Yay! Onward!
Harry soon meets the Cullens, when he slips in the supermarket but Carlise CATCHES him. Oh thank God. Cause, you know, Harry might have died, and then this story wouldn’t have survived. Oh wait.
The next day he goes to school on a motorcycle (naturally) and meets the Cullens. Him and Edward immediately fall for each other. Naturally. Bella is in this story, but only as an afterthought. Because Bella is a bitch.
To sum up chapter two, all the Cullens like Harry, except Rosalie, because Rosalie hates everyone.
Die, scum.As the story progressed onward, I started to notice that it didn’t really have a plot. Sure, once in a while Harry would get into some sort of scrape (almost dying in a fire, getting captured by Death Eaters and saved by the Cullens, telling the Cullens he’s MAGICAL), but mostly it focused on Harry being absolutely retarded, Edward gazing Harry’s eyes and calling him pet names (such as “my emerald,” or “my raven”), and the rest of Harry’s friends popping in whenever something completely mind fuckering needs to happen.
For example, Fred and George pop by one day and prank the entire Cullen family. Or take for instance when Snape and Lupin show up and Harry drinks a potion to get rid of the rest of the poison in his body. At one point Rosalie decides Harry is okay after he saves her from Death Eaters and then tells her how Pansy betrayed him to Voldemort, whereupon he was locked up and raped everyday.
Come on. Really? Really?Now, lets tally something up. Poorly written? Check.
"You were the cause of my pain!"Harry said, his eyes brimming with betrayal.”
Predictable character with abusive background? Check.
“He pulled on a silver shirt and smiled lightly, pulling back his hair and tying it back using a blood-red cloth, revealing a black rose on the right side of his neck.”
Lack of plot? Check.
Unneccessary rape? Check.
“Voldemort locked and bound me in a cell where I was raped nearly every day by his followers.”
The only thing that’s left is male pre—
“Harry, what do you know of male pregnancy's?"Poppy asked, watching as Harry's eyes widened.”
Oh dear God.
Well Harry’s not pregnant yet. He just has the ability to be pregnant cause he’s all powerful and shit. And also has the ability to spontaneously grow a vagina.
Ending, where is the damn ending to this thing? Oh. Right. Well I guess it’s a happy ending, if you like being completely mindfucked.
Harry and Edward get married. Harry gets pregnant. Harry starts acting like a little bitch. Harry gives birth to twins. Hermione and Luna get pregnant. Fred and George get married. (“Molly wasn't shocked at all at the choice; in fact I think I saw a spark in her eyes." Harry said smirking.) Everybody has kids.
Then I burst into tears because nobody died.
If you want to read this or you have a really sick sense of what comprises a good story, read it here.
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