Really Bad Fanfiction: Unintentionally Butchering Twilight

When you come across a fanfiction that butchers Twilight even further, you’ve got to wonder if the author may have actual skill. The answer to this is always, “No, no they do not.” What makes this Twilight fic, called Seeing Through My Eyes, especially baffling is that Bella falls in love with James, who while in the regular books tries to eat Bella, is just a normal sexy bad boy vampire in this story.

Riiiight. Totally not gonna eat you.

To start this off, Bella wakes up one morning while her mom, positively bouncing all over the place with excitement (or drugs) tells Bella that her and John are getting married. Who is John? you may ask. Well beats me. In the books she marries a guy named Phil, but he apparently got sucked into a black hole. Getting married to John requires that they all move to Florida because John plays minor league baseball. LAME.

Apparently Bella thinks so too, and throws an absolute shit fit and says that she’s moving to Forks. She texts Jessica the phone screams out text messages like Bella and Jessica are having a shouting match. “HEY JESSICA CAN UR MOM TAKE US 2 TEH AIRPORTZ? WE CAN GO LIVE IN FORKS WITH MY DAD.”

“YEAH SURE THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN WOO-HOO!”

Jessica’s mom, when presented with an opportunity to get Jessica out of the house, no matter how ridiculous, short notice, or absolutely fucked it may seem, absolutely jumps on it. This should tell you something about Jessica.

Take her! TAKE HER!

While waiting for “Chief Swan” to pick them up once they get to Forks (apparently telling your dad that you and your friend are going to come live with him beforehand isn’t all the important or required), Bella meets Jacob and spots James the murderous vampire waiter off in the distance. Immediately she falls in love. When he asks her what she wants to eat, she gets a 16 oz T-bone steak (or two) with mashed potatoes because she’s a fat fat fatty mcfatson.

Bella’s dad brings everyone except James to Bella’s house, where they meet Jacob’s dad, Billy. Jacob is free to stay with Bella and Jessica while the two men go have a “Man’s night out.” They proceed to do this every single night. Can you say “gay”? And I mean like actually homosexual. As in, Charlie is never at home cause he always stays over with Billy.

I smell a cheap plot device.

Aaand later James joins the party. Not the older homosexual party, but the teenagers and hormones party. And the next day they all go shopping! Because guys love going shopping with girls. Because they’d most definitely rather do that then stick their head in a bucket of live eels.

I'm pretty sure they'd take the eels.

Bella is just getting back into the car to head back when…

“"RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGG!", my phone screamed at me.”

Ring-a-DING, motherfucker.

It’s Charlie, only mildly concerned where his erstwhile daughter is. His main concern is that he gets to stay at Billy’s house another night.

The next day, after some nearly naked encounters between Bella and James (OMFG HOT) they all head off to school except Jacob, who walks home alone because no one likes him except Jessica, and she doesn’t matter. At all. At school, Bella meets Christina, who loves Emmett (one of the vampires) and has turned stalking into a professional sport. When she gets Emmett’s voice on tape, she hyperventilates about how she can fall asleep to it every night.

Unfortunately, James also has a stalker, but Bella punches her out and gets suspended from school for the next two days. She also gets a first offense, and her dad is super pissed that she might go on probation again.

Wait, what? Bella’s not a bitch?

Before we can ponder on this further, James shows up at Bella’s house, cause he’s got something of the stalker gene himself. Or because Bella is a bitch and begged him to come over.

Anyway, blah blah blah, they all go to the beach, blah blah blah, everyone gets together with everyone else, blah blah blah, they drink some alcohol.

And it's not even good alcohol.

The next day Bella is awoken by her phone screaming, “IT’S MOM PICK UP THE PHONE.” They proceed to have a two second conversation, long enough for the guilty parent to get in a few “I love you’s” to the neglected, retarded child.

Later, on the way to Taco bell, everybody gets in an accident and Bella breaks two ribs and her arm. I mention this only because as soon as Charlie gets Bella home, he goes zipping off to Billy’s house again.

Or to Taco Bell. Tacos > Bella.

I’m starting to see a pattern here.

And the whole story ends with James telling Bella that he’s a vampire LULZ. The end