The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 2

Here we are again, embarking on the wondrous trail of really awful fanfiction. I have two for you this time, so without any further ado, I give you....

My Immortal, perhaps the worst/best Harry Potter fanfiction there is. Of course, you've probably already heard of it. Wait. You haven't? Oh come on. You haven’t read this one yet? REALLY? I really can’t explain this one because my head might explode, but here’s a quick summary that I didn’t write because I’m lazy:

“To say that My Immortal has a "plot" might be something of an overstatement. It's more like a loose collection of bad ideas and misspelled words centered around overly long passages about the author's fashion sense and favorite bands. The story is set in some weird, dystopian version of the Harry Potter universe where the struggle between good and evil has been replaced with an eternal struggle between "goths" and "preps," and every main character is either gothic, emo, bisexual, a weeaboo, a satanist, a vampire, or any combination of these. The story follows the protagonist Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, a 7th year student at Hogwarts who wanders around having random sex with HP emo clones and then describes her outfit for several paragraphs. That's seriously about it.”

An artist's rendering of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.

Also, that site does a better job of summarizing and making fun of this story than I ever could. You can just thank me for bringing you such lulz.

If you want to read the story, click here.

I for one have not read the whole thing because halfway through I slipped into a coma.



And that short summary brings us to the baffling story called The Perfect Couple. This story is literally the unholy union of Harry Potter and Twilight. I don’t know how a fanfiction in this genre could EVER be good, but you know, maybe it’s… possible…?

No. No it is not.

I guess I’ll have to assume that everybody knows that Twilight is about sparkly vampires, but that not many people have even read the damn book. Well, I’ve read all four, so I know the story quite well and am therefore allowed to make fun of it. For you to understand this fanfiction (if such a thing is possible) all you have to understand is that Edward is the vampire and Bella is the needy human girl that falls in love with him.

Pictured: Neediness. And Kristen Stewart's only facial expression.

In any case, it starts out with Edward leaving Bella cause HE’S A JERK, but Bella decides to be proactive by wiping everyone’s memories so no one in Forks remembers her. Then she takes a portkey to the Burrow because she is a witch. And apparently Harry’s twin sister. After time jumps and the Hogwarts Express, Bella gets to Hogwarts only to find that all the Cullens are new professors and the other, normal, canon professors have been eaten by wild boars or something. Bella runs to the bathroom, cries, and Edward finds her and beats the shit out of her cause Bella’s a bitch. Draco Malfoy swears revenge on Edward, because after all, Bella is his perfect match.

I missed the next chapter couple chapters cause I was vomiting so hard.

Moving on, in chapter five Draco reveals that there is a Death Eater at Hogwarts. Three guess as to who it is.

… No? No one?

Well it’s Edward fucking Cullen.

Cedric Diggory is a Death Eater?

And he teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts. (HOW IRONIC.) Bella exposes him, and Edward points his wand at Harry in retaliation. Then BANG, the door slams open and Bella’s parents (who are Harry’s parents) appear. They have golden eyes like the rest of the vampires, so I’m forced to assume that Lily and James Potter are vampires. We’ll just let that one sink in.

NOT A VAMPIRE.

Edward reveals that he’s been working for Voldemort FOREVER and that they are best pals. Everyone else flips their shit. The rest of the Cullens chase Edward off and both Bella and Harry present Draco and Ginny as their one and only true loves, respectively. This happy moment is ruined by Dumbledore, as he appears and announces that Esme is also a Voldemort supporter, and insanely evil. Carlisle, Esme’s husband, locks himself in his room, curls up in the fetal position, and cries for three weeks.

There are only eight chapters so that’s basically it (thank God), but at the end Bella spots Draco glued to Pansy Parkinson’s face.

......

Somehow I’m glad it ends there.

The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 1

I spent the better part of yesterday evening/yesterday night reading and searching for horrible, awful, pain inducing fanfiction, all in the name of humor. For those of you that don't know what fanfiction is, go wikipedia that shit. In any case, so far I have found four complete gems, and I know there's more out there, so I may keep searching.

For a fanfiction to be horrifically bad, it must meet at least one of the following criteria:

• Really bad spelling and/or grammar
• Lack of a plot
• A logic fail or a physics fail
• Really bad and/or uncomfortable sex scenes
• The main character is prone to getting raped
• The dreaded Mary Sue
  

There are more, but these are just the main ones. So without further ado, I bring you the first in this series of horrible fanfiction, Unpredictable Fate!

Unpredictable Fate is a Dead or Alive fanfiction. Dead or Alive is a fighter game series, where all sorts of crazy shit happens, but mainly you just fight each other. I didn't know this until after I wrote this and I actually chose to look something up, so reading this fanfic was even more baffling.

I don't even know if this is about ninjas.

First line: “The sum was setting and the wind blew roughly deep into the forest as a young women walked slowly as if she were confused about turning back to wherever she came from or keep going straight.”

The spelling errors only get worse from here my friend. Also, note the complete lack of commas.

This story depicts the life and adventures (I think) of Kasumi, a runaway shinobi. Apparently, a shinobi is a clan full of ninjas, or in this case, crazy, insane, tree possessing ninjas. I really don’t know what a shinobi is or if it even exists because I did not look this up. Anyway, since Kasumi is running away, the rest of the clan decides FUCK THAT and starts to hunt her down. Luckily, Kasumi finds a rusty temple to stay in, and her brother finds her and feeds her food. AWWWW. There’s also Ryu, “the man that she hated but couldn't help loving,” or in other words, “the man that tries to strangle her in the next chapter.”

Kasumi, our heroine. A girl who does not like pants.

After getting strangled, Kasumi cries for her dead mother. In the midst of this crying session (or after, I couldn’t really tell) Kasumi’s brother attacks her and slashes her neck. Kasumi is upset because he didn’t apologize for that. Her brother says sorry, leaves, and then a possessed tree attacks Kasumi.

….

Yeah… and to get away she uh… teleports… and falls face first into a flowerpot. And then signs up for a tournament (???) and rooms with her evil brother, her evil lover, and some random chick. Christ, this is getting confusing.

WTF?????

Chapter three was one big long paragraph, so I skipped ahead to chapter seven. So chapter seven starts with Kasumi vomiting because she’s pregna--- Oh dear God. Okay so I’m just going to skip ahead a bit cause I really don’t know how to explain pregnancy or Kasumi hiding her almost dead sister in the closet. So Kasumi and the random chick go to France where they first hit up a church. Then Kasumi gets a kitten. Aw, looks like this story is religious AND cute…

KITTEN!

…until they go clubbing with Busta Rhymes. Busta promptly invites Kasumi to Mardi Gras and she accepts by flashing her breasts. The next day she sings in the church choir, after vomiting for approximately five hours.

Okay honestly, this is really painful. I don’t even think it’s funny anymore. I’m just going to skip to the end.

Kasumi dies.


And that's the end of Unpredictable Fate. If you'd like to read for yourself, or just make your eyeballs bleed, go here.


The Best Examples of Bad Fanfiction, Part 2, will be posted as soon as I stop bleeding.

Five Words from the OED That Should Be Included in Everyday Language, All the Time

The OED, as you know, is short for the Oxford English Dictionary. If you didn't know that, then you are not cool. Since I had to research the OED for a presentation, I spent a lot of time at the OED online, clicking the "Lost for Words" button, which gives you a random word that you can entertain yourself with. I spent about an hour doing this, and these are the five most interesting words I found.

1. Bagsy

Means: to assert a claim or right to (something) by using the expression ‘bagsy’; to demand as one's due for being first to claim.

Example:
"What about you doing the gassing instead of me?"
"But I bagsed-I I didn't," Abinger protested.

I have absolutely no idea what the rest of the sentence means, but apparently Abinger "bagsed" something and the other person speaking, whoever that may be, has no right to it (whatever "it" is). I suppose our American equivalent would be calling fives on a seat. And if you've never heard that expression before, it means you have five minutes to get back to your seat, otherwise you will have to engage in a death match to get it back.

Kind of like this.

2. Snicker

You may be thinking that "snicker" means a mocking sort of laugh. Well, you'd be wrong if the year was 1848. Apparently, snicker can also mean a knife.

Example: "If they screak, out with your snickers and slick!"

A screak is a loud screech, and slick means to "dispatch rapidly." I assume that's the use this sentence was going for. I suppose it could also mean "If they scream, take out your knives and smarten them up!" but that doesn't seem as threatening.

"I'm going to snicker you." "You're going to what?"

3. Nebelwerfer

Means: a six-barrelled rocket mortar used by the German forces in the Second World War (1939-45).

Put that way, it sounds quite serious, but use it in a sentence, and all I can think of is Pokemon.

Example: "These German gunners have certainly chosen a well-concealed position in which to hide their nebelwerfer."

Giant freakin gun.... or a gay Pokemon with a butt saw. You choose.

4.Bumbershoot

Slang for an umbrella.

This was used mainly in the US, and according to the OED, used as early as 1896 and as late as 2001. I don't recall ever hearing this word and I regret this fact immensely.

Example: "This oversized bumbershoot lets you dodge raindrops with ease and flair."

Especially if your bumbershoot is designed for flight.

5.Gribble

Means: a small marine boring crustacean, Limnoria terebrans, resembling a wood-louse.

Example: "Many plans have been proposed for preventing the ravages of the gribble."

To me, this word should be used as a light insult, as in "You dirty gribble!" or "Your mom's a gribble!"

The example given in the OED makes the gribble sound a lot more threatening then it is. It isn't really even that ugly.


See? A little creepy, sure, but it kind of looks like a shrimp, and shrimp aren't scary. I'm sure if you came face to face with one -



OH DEAR GOD.

My Accomplishments

In my senior year of high school, I was filling out many, many forms. Almost all of them asked what leadership qualities I had, what my accomplishments were, and all sorts of other bullshit questions. After answering these questions approximately 57 times, I got fed up and wrote this:


I save the rainforest in my spare time and I also save abandoned puppies. I have carved out a wild life path in Bolton and introduced 12 new species of birds to our town. I've also installed sky lights in random houses without the owners knowledge. I have performed CPR on three patients in two days. I entertain senior citizens for 2 hours a day and coordinate bingo runs to the local church. I am president of the United States. I have solved the mystery of life and taught it to small children. I looooovvveee children. They are tomorrow's future. I also invented steam. And the Krebs cycle. And photosynthesis. I have another cycle that is named after me; it is called the reproductive cycle. That would make my name Steam Krebs Reprosynthesis. I also have found a cure for cancer, yet as I am so busy in high school, I have not yet had time to have it published. I taught the world to sing in perfect harmony. Recently, I have managed to forge a peace agreement between Palestine and Israel. You can thank me for lower gas prices! My next job will be to broker a peace deal with Iraq. If you need me to do anything else, I can be reached at 1-800-KISSMYASS.

Bored? Cool, here are some YouTube videos.

More specifically, here are the trailers to some really awesome movies. I know this because I have seen these movies, and have deemed them really awesome. So without further ado, here are 5 awesome movies trailers for awesome movies.



5. Everything Is Illuminated



If you want a "thinking" movie, one where you might possibly become very confused but still immensely enjoy the movie, then this is it.

4. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs



However, what this trailer neglects to mention is the monkey named Steve that battles enraged gummy bears on a flying car. I don't know why they left out this important element.

Oh, and the cop is voiced by Mr. T.

3. Drag Me to Hell

Okay so this one is only "awesome" because it is hilariously bad and also because there is a demonic talking goat in it. This also isn't the real trailer, but this will give you an accurate idea of what the movie is like.



Yup. The main character continuously gets vomit in her mouth. That is pretty much the whole movie. And the goat saying "YOU WHOOOOORRRREEEEEEEE!"

2. Eagle vs. Shark



"Hey fool... sucka... you foolish....you foolish sucka."

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

1. Amelie



In french, but the movie's subtitles are pretty good. The trailer's are not as good, but still fairly accurate. The movie is actually BETTER than the trailer, so please take my word for it and perhaps watch even a bit of it because IT IS FUCKING AWESOME.

The End.

Facts of My Day

1. I left taking pictures for my first photo 2 assignment until last night/today, so at 9:00 this morning I was standing out on my balcony taking pictures of the street hoping to capture a fast moving car. I also was not wearing any socks. I don't know if you know this, but if you're outside with no socks, your feet get cold quite quickly. And turn white.

2. Whilst doing the laundry, the machine started to shake uncontrollably as it went into the spin cycle. As a result, a bottle of laundry detergent fell off the top and nearly killed me.

3. While crossing the street at Boylston and Tremont, I nearly tripped while trying to discern if I actually knew the person in front of me. I did not.

4. According to my copy editing class, most college seniors do not know the difference between a noun, a verb, and an adjective. Christ. It's not rocket science guys.

5. I nearly tripped again while on the way out of my classroom.

6. While developing my film, I had a sudden yearning to be back in photo 1, where we actually had 4 hours in the dark room instead of 2, where I almost felt like I knew what I was doing, and where I actually looked forward to class instead of having a minor panic attack because I have no idea what I'm supposed to have done by tomorrow.

7. In the T station, while waiting for the erstwhile B train, I saw the following trains go by, in this order: D C E E D D D. I mean, COME ON. Seriously? Three D trains in a row? Madness. Complete and utter madness.

8. I remained pressed up against the opposite door for most of the T ride. I basically had to limbo under some old guy's arm to get off. It was quite claustrophobic.

9. My second to last text book came today. On my way up the stairs I dropped it three times.

10. Once inside my apartment, I realized no one was home. I obviously then proceeded to put on loud music and air guitar my way through all the rooms in my apartment.

11. I seriously considered having brownies and coffee for dinner. I ate a little pasta instead, but I'm still seriously considering it.

11 Things I Wish to Accomplish

Bucket lists. New Years resolutions. Goals. Whatever you call them, I apparently have them. Fortunately, my list does not include impossible goals, such as "solve world peace," "plant a money tree," or "learn to speak Icelandic." They are simple goals. Nothing extremely life changing here, unless you count being able to enjoy the simple pleasure of building snow forts or being able to accurately tell what time it is. These 11 things can easily be accomplished with a little bit of time, effort, and YOU. Yeah, typically these are better done with a friend because I'm probably so helpless on my own that I will pathetically fail each and every one. But I'm still going to try.

And, hopefully, with each item that I can cross off the list, I will write about it here and tell you about my awesome failures or awesome AWESOMENESS.


1. Build a giant snow castle.

A castle that is likely to have snow alligators.

I'm not talking about a pathetic little fort here. I'm talking HUGE BADASS CASTLE. With turrets and tunnels, and possibly a moat. With snow alligators.

Okay so maybe snow alligators aren't that realistic. But a giant snow fort IS.

2. See the Rocky Horror Picture Show at least once.

Yes, as in I want to dress up all crazy and go watch this movie with a bunch of other crazy dressed up people. I've never actually seen the movie, but it sounds weird and fun. What's better than dressing up in really odd / hot outfits? NOTHING.

Odd and hot. My favorite combination.

3. Go to the opera.

I've never been, and I want to see one. Doesn't even matter if it's not in English. I've listened to some opera thanks to my freshman Listening to Music class and it's actually quite beautiful. I wouldn't be able to understand what they were saying if I hadn't taken the class, but that really doesn't matter. I think the music conveys what it's about anyway.

4. Learn how to brew my own coffee.

Because right now I have no idea how to. I know, I'm pathetic. There's something with the filter (which are a lot of a fun to play with, actually, they're quite fantastic for throwing about) and then there's either beans or they're ground up. And there's something with the water and then POOF there's coffee.

Yet as my friend Alli said, "Alyssa, it's a lot more than just water + coffee beans + poof = coffee." Or something to that effect.

Dear God I should really get on this.

And when I'm done, my coffee will look like this, i.e. PERFECT.

5. Make new friends.

But keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. (Yeah I was a girl scout, what of it?)

This is actually serious though. I have wonderful friends, don't get me wrong. But the past couple semesters I've met a few people in my classes who were genuinely nice people, and then after the class is over I've never spoken to them again. Which is sad. And makes me wonder if I'm somehow defective. So I'm trying to stay in touch.

6. Get As in my classes.

Yeah, unlike this semester where I was SO EFFIN CLOSE.

This letter also begins my name. I guess that's one "A" I'll always have. OH GOD I'M SO LAME.

7. Buy a pipe and name it Alfred.

Don't ask why. I really don't remember at this point why I want a pipe named Alfred. I suppose pipes are just bad ass.

Hello, Alfred J. Prufrock the Pipe.

8. Get a watch.

I used to have a Puss n' Boots watch, which I got out of a cereal box. It was the best watch ever and I always knew what time it was. I was a happy youngster of 15.

Unfortunately, disaster struck, and Puss n' Boots died from drowning. Ever since then, I've relied on my phone to tell me the time, which is usually enough. However this weekend I had no computer, my phone died, and I kept asking for the time every 2 seconds. So enough is enough. I need a fricken watch. Hopefully this will lead to being more organized in other aspects of my life. Probably not, but oh well.

*Note: I just spent about 45 minutes searching for a picture of that watch that I know I had, but I could not find it. Oh woe.

9. Learn a new word everyday and incorporate it into a sentence.

Bonus points if the sentence contains a clever sexual pun, a la Shakespeare. Did you know that in Shakespeare's day, "dance" was also another word for "to fuck?" Yes, I'm serious. The sentence, "Hey, didn't I dance with you last night?" takes on a whole new meaning. I freakin love Shakespeare.

Yeah, I don't understand the cover either.

10. Find trivia (and a trivia team) that takes place in Boston.

Because while The Blind Assassins are awesome, I need something to occupy my Tuesday nights with in Boston.

11. Learn how to play Chopin's Nocturne on the piano.

Because it's so damn beautiful.

And complicated. Shit.

Well, I'll update on how my efforts go. And if all else fails, I'll just buy lots of blankets, make a fort, and never come out.