My Accomplishments

In my senior year of high school, I was filling out many, many forms. Almost all of them asked what leadership qualities I had, what my accomplishments were, and all sorts of other bullshit questions. After answering these questions approximately 57 times, I got fed up and wrote this:


I save the rainforest in my spare time and I also save abandoned puppies. I have carved out a wild life path in Bolton and introduced 12 new species of birds to our town. I've also installed sky lights in random houses without the owners knowledge. I have performed CPR on three patients in two days. I entertain senior citizens for 2 hours a day and coordinate bingo runs to the local church. I am president of the United States. I have solved the mystery of life and taught it to small children. I looooovvveee children. They are tomorrow's future. I also invented steam. And the Krebs cycle. And photosynthesis. I have another cycle that is named after me; it is called the reproductive cycle. That would make my name Steam Krebs Reprosynthesis. I also have found a cure for cancer, yet as I am so busy in high school, I have not yet had time to have it published. I taught the world to sing in perfect harmony. Recently, I have managed to forge a peace agreement between Palestine and Israel. You can thank me for lower gas prices! My next job will be to broker a peace deal with Iraq. If you need me to do anything else, I can be reached at 1-800-KISSMYASS.