I have written a poem entitled The Love Song of Alfred J. Prufrock (The Pipe). It's what I would name a pipe if I had one. I dont know how I thought of this, but I found it while unpacking all my desk stuff. And Allison Slater is equally to blame for this awesome madness.
Oh, Alfred, my lovely little pipe
I shall sing sweet songs to you
deep into the night.
Oh Alfie! My heart yearns for
your woodiness! The grains, the
dark varnish of your graceful curve!
You, who are my only connection
to the beautiful things in life -
the sweet smell of burning leaves
an incense of the most luscious kind.
What I wouldn't give to spend my
life with you, lovely Alfie,
my little wooden pipe.
Oh who can say what will happen
when we finally meet? When we
are united at last?
I shall kiss thee so tenderly
and pretend that I am smoking
merely to give pleasure for one word:
"'Ello." Oh, pipe! Lovely little
pipe! Play me dulcet tones of
love, my Alfred -
named and wanted for love, for
happiness! You shall be my
greatest treasure, for thou
are the only light, my little
tobacco addiction. I shall devote
myself to our love, to you,
Alfred J. Prufrock the pipe.
And then I guess after writing that I wasn't being silly enough, so I also wrote what appears to be an ode to a Cheez-It, although it's vaguely sexual.
"The Love Song of Flavor Explosions"
"I'll explode flavor into your mouth!"
she said, laughing hysterically,
climbing out of Christian the
Snow Fort.
Explosions of Cheez-It flavors,
to enlighten the taste buds, to
provide a harvest with so many
flavors that you explode!
Cheddar cheese! Parmesan!
Oh Holy Sweet Mother of Holy
Christian Forts! The
motherfucking flavor!
May God help ye, ye who partake
in this chaos of flavors!
OH THE MADNESS!
How much flavor can you handle?
Oh, what a question!
The quest for flavor ends here,
in a box of cheesy snacky goodness!
Bite into one! It releases so
much flavor that you are swept away!
Stars are born! The blind can see!
Kids with polio are cured!
FLAVOR EXPLOSIONS!
BAM! BOOM! POW!
The taste buds are overwhelmed!
Your mouth explodes!
And then you die.
And this is why I like sugar. The End.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
New Bad Fanfiction Review: House of Night
Hello readers! It is time… time once more to delve into that mysterious and deceptive realm of really bad fan fiction. Since it is the holidays, I figure that I can melt my brain just a little more to bring you hilariously bad reading.
This festering turd of a story is called Welcome to the House of Night Child of Neferet. Yes, it is really called that. I mean, really. How much more unimaginative can you get? I suppose I should also mention that this fan fiction takes place in the House of Night series, where young people are marked as vampires by other vampires pointing dramatically at the young people, whereupon the young people get weird tattoos on their foreheads. Then they all hole up in this giant house and try not to attack each other or drink human blood or go into a fit of seizures and die, all the while being ruled by an evil vampire named Neferet. Also, there are evil red eyed vampires. The main character of this series, a young girl named Zoey Redbird, seems normal enough until she gets marked and then has approximately ten boyfriends and five lovers and has sex with all of them. Seriously, it’s ridiculous. I only read the first couple books, so I only saw about three boyfriends, but believe me, MORE COME. Because, much like Bella Swan, Zoey is a bitch.
Now that you have some background, on to the bad fan fiction.
From the first sentence, it is bad. It is clear that this is one of those stories where the author must describe how EVERYONE looks, but most importantly of all, how she looks, which she does through the main character. It’s not an accurate representation of her looks, but instead how she wishes to look. Also, it becomes quite clear that the main character, Chloe Hall, has special powers. As if that’s not enough, the author’s name is also Chloe. And thus, we witness the birth of a Mary Sue.
Chloe Hall dresses like any other wannabe vampire – straight out of Hot Topic. (Which, incidentally, is owned by Claire’s. PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.) Anyway, after describing her tank top and tight, tight, jeans, and the snake named Jeckel that she wears on her shoulder, she admires her orange hair that reaches the floor. Although we learn later that she is the daughter of Neferet, the evil vampire mentioned above, this makes it sound more like she is the illegitimate offspring of Cousin It.
Truly terrifying.
She is then marked, blah blah, meets two girls (both with impossible hair) who will bring her to the House of Night, and then is dragged into her “gorgeous neon green mini convertible.” What? Seriously, if I ever see a car like that, I will puke. How is neon green gorgeous? How does it not look like a tub of silly putty molded into the shape of a car? I bet this girl wears silly bandz on her arms. She seems the type.
You are a silly child.
Anyway, Chloe gets to the H.O.N. and meets Zoey, who has apparently settled down and married Stark, one of her lovers or whatever. Zoey takes the time to patiently explain who the characters are that we have briefly seen, what they do, who their mentors are, and if they have any pets and what their pets’ names are, and so on and so forth. I do not jest – Anya and Saffron, the two that bring Chloe, have a cat named Jadeybob. It’s probably the most unfortunate cat in existence. It probably wants to die for the shame of having such an awful name.
The face of shame.
The next couple chapters we are introduced to Anya and Saffron and their boyfriends, who are named Jasper and Remus. It is no coincindence that Anya is obsessed with Twlight and Saffron with Harry Potter. OH MY GOD THEIR BOYFRIEND’S NAMES ARE THE SAME AS CHARACTERS IN THOSE BOOKS HOW CLEVER. Chloe quickly becomes enamored with her marker, who is named Tom. Tom starts calling Chloe “snake charmer.” How original. Oh Tom, you definitely know how to woo. Also, it seems they only have two classes that first day. LACK OF PLOT ALARM.
I quickly learn that Chloe spends half her time narrating her outfit changes, and the color of the fishnets she’s wearing, and how her make up looks. The author readily admits she spends time thinking of outfits for Chloe to wear. It brings to mind a rather horrifying image, but let’s not dwell on that. Her friends tell her she looks fantastic and she goes on a date with Tom. The next morning, Chloe attempts to leave and eat breakfast in her pajamas, but Anya stops her screaming “DO NOT GO OUT THERE LIKE THAT!” Because apparently Tom is out there and if he sees her like that he will never ask her out again, ever, because Tom is a shallow bastard.
Actually, I don't blame him.
But all is well! Tom asks Chloe to a dance, she accepts, and has a omg totally scene dress! SURPRISE – it’s neon green. At the dance, a slutty vampire named Shannon Marie approaches and is predictably bitchy, but strangely accurate when she comments that a rainbow threw up on Chloe. Anyway, they dance, Chloe learns that she is telekinetic and can talk to snakes, and then reveals that she can also spin a mean beat, because WHAT CANT SHE DO?
The next morning Tom tells her he has a reputation as a ladies man. Chloe responds with a violent earthquake, because that’s how shit goes down. Also, Chloe is a bitch, and responds violently to any honesty or offers of help.
Run, bitches. Run.
The next chapter is an array of different points of view and they don’t make any sense at all. Chloe runs away, runs into her twin brother, Alex, because EVERYONE HAS A FREAKING TWIN. Tom is Anya’s twin. Why shouldn’t Chloe have one? You have a twin! You have a twin too! Everybody gets a twin!
And a humpback whale!
Eventually Chloe drives back and isn’t mad anymore, because…well, who knows. Maybe she’s having her period.
The next chapter, and the last one, is a whole lot of nothing. Chloe and gang go to class. Alex visits Chloe, then admits he’s hearing their evil mum talk inside his head. And thus is ends, and I am glad I no longer have to feel like I’m stabbing hot irons into my eyeballs.
This festering turd of a story is called Welcome to the House of Night Child of Neferet. Yes, it is really called that. I mean, really. How much more unimaginative can you get? I suppose I should also mention that this fan fiction takes place in the House of Night series, where young people are marked as vampires by other vampires pointing dramatically at the young people, whereupon the young people get weird tattoos on their foreheads. Then they all hole up in this giant house and try not to attack each other or drink human blood or go into a fit of seizures and die, all the while being ruled by an evil vampire named Neferet. Also, there are evil red eyed vampires. The main character of this series, a young girl named Zoey Redbird, seems normal enough until she gets marked and then has approximately ten boyfriends and five lovers and has sex with all of them. Seriously, it’s ridiculous. I only read the first couple books, so I only saw about three boyfriends, but believe me, MORE COME. Because, much like Bella Swan, Zoey is a bitch.
Now that you have some background, on to the bad fan fiction.
From the first sentence, it is bad. It is clear that this is one of those stories where the author must describe how EVERYONE looks, but most importantly of all, how she looks, which she does through the main character. It’s not an accurate representation of her looks, but instead how she wishes to look. Also, it becomes quite clear that the main character, Chloe Hall, has special powers. As if that’s not enough, the author’s name is also Chloe. And thus, we witness the birth of a Mary Sue.
Chloe Hall dresses like any other wannabe vampire – straight out of Hot Topic. (Which, incidentally, is owned by Claire’s. PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.) Anyway, after describing her tank top and tight, tight, jeans, and the snake named Jeckel that she wears on her shoulder, she admires her orange hair that reaches the floor. Although we learn later that she is the daughter of Neferet, the evil vampire mentioned above, this makes it sound more like she is the illegitimate offspring of Cousin It.
Truly terrifying.She is then marked, blah blah, meets two girls (both with impossible hair) who will bring her to the House of Night, and then is dragged into her “gorgeous neon green mini convertible.” What? Seriously, if I ever see a car like that, I will puke. How is neon green gorgeous? How does it not look like a tub of silly putty molded into the shape of a car? I bet this girl wears silly bandz on her arms. She seems the type.
You are a silly child.Anyway, Chloe gets to the H.O.N. and meets Zoey, who has apparently settled down and married Stark, one of her lovers or whatever. Zoey takes the time to patiently explain who the characters are that we have briefly seen, what they do, who their mentors are, and if they have any pets and what their pets’ names are, and so on and so forth. I do not jest – Anya and Saffron, the two that bring Chloe, have a cat named Jadeybob. It’s probably the most unfortunate cat in existence. It probably wants to die for the shame of having such an awful name.
The face of shame.The next couple chapters we are introduced to Anya and Saffron and their boyfriends, who are named Jasper and Remus. It is no coincindence that Anya is obsessed with Twlight and Saffron with Harry Potter. OH MY GOD THEIR BOYFRIEND’S NAMES ARE THE SAME AS CHARACTERS IN THOSE BOOKS HOW CLEVER. Chloe quickly becomes enamored with her marker, who is named Tom. Tom starts calling Chloe “snake charmer.” How original. Oh Tom, you definitely know how to woo. Also, it seems they only have two classes that first day. LACK OF PLOT ALARM.
I quickly learn that Chloe spends half her time narrating her outfit changes, and the color of the fishnets she’s wearing, and how her make up looks. The author readily admits she spends time thinking of outfits for Chloe to wear. It brings to mind a rather horrifying image, but let’s not dwell on that. Her friends tell her she looks fantastic and she goes on a date with Tom. The next morning, Chloe attempts to leave and eat breakfast in her pajamas, but Anya stops her screaming “DO NOT GO OUT THERE LIKE THAT!” Because apparently Tom is out there and if he sees her like that he will never ask her out again, ever, because Tom is a shallow bastard.
Actually, I don't blame him.But all is well! Tom asks Chloe to a dance, she accepts, and has a omg totally scene dress! SURPRISE – it’s neon green. At the dance, a slutty vampire named Shannon Marie approaches and is predictably bitchy, but strangely accurate when she comments that a rainbow threw up on Chloe. Anyway, they dance, Chloe learns that she is telekinetic and can talk to snakes, and then reveals that she can also spin a mean beat, because WHAT CANT SHE DO?
The next morning Tom tells her he has a reputation as a ladies man. Chloe responds with a violent earthquake, because that’s how shit goes down. Also, Chloe is a bitch, and responds violently to any honesty or offers of help.
Run, bitches. Run.The next chapter is an array of different points of view and they don’t make any sense at all. Chloe runs away, runs into her twin brother, Alex, because EVERYONE HAS A FREAKING TWIN. Tom is Anya’s twin. Why shouldn’t Chloe have one? You have a twin! You have a twin too! Everybody gets a twin!
And a humpback whale!Eventually Chloe drives back and isn’t mad anymore, because…well, who knows. Maybe she’s having her period.
The next chapter, and the last one, is a whole lot of nothing. Chloe and gang go to class. Alex visits Chloe, then admits he’s hearing their evil mum talk inside his head. And thus is ends, and I am glad I no longer have to feel like I’m stabbing hot irons into my eyeballs.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Halloween? More Like Fun-o-ween! .... I'm lame.
Hello, friends! I was going for two updates in one month, but I figured that would be excessive. Maybe I'll try it this month. But huzzah! Another update!
However, I regret to announce that, despite what I said in my last post, coffee is no longer a miracle drink. Well, it could be. But the last time I drank some I ended up not falling asleep until 3 AM and having the jitters. The jitters are not fun. I suppose it's my fault for drinking coffee at 8 PM, but there you have it. And then the next day my heart continued to race, and then the next day, and the next, and maybe I was thinking about it too much because I am a freak, but I eventually went to the doctor about it and despite the fact that I may have been imagining the whole damn thing, I got hooked up to a heart monitor.
This is what it looks like. Ooo, very snazzy, you might say. Sleek. New. I bet it's even comfortable!
It's not. Above is a rough approximation of how it's actually hooked up to a human being. Why yes, it IS rather like having a large spider attached to your chest. Not to mention it burned like the fires of a thousand fiery suns when I pulled the damn tape off.
Anyway, after that whole lovely event, I actually had a perfectly lovely weekend where I frolicked and carved a badass pumpkin:
See? Isn't that so freakin badass? I thought so. I found a tutorial online, but by the time I went to carve the pumpkin, all I had was the picture, so basically everything was like, "okay draw... this looks retarded... carve... retarded...oh wait, it actually looks pretty cool." Luckily I had help in the form of one Daniel DeCola, who did all the technical stuff with the sizing of the hole for the gourd and shaving off the skin, which is how the teeth and eyes are more yellowy than orange. I'm pretty sure that if I had done this alone the pumpkin would have actually looked like a five year old child somehow got a hold of a knife and randomly cut shapes out of a pumpkin.
I also went trick or treating, because this is the last time in my life where it will be socially acceptable, or close to socially acceptable. Yes. I am 22 years old and I still consider it socially acceptable for me to be trick or treating. I got a ton of candy, so I'm not complaining. Although I'll probably start complaining once I eat it all, put on 30 lbs, and have all my teeth fall out.
Speaking of candy, I'm probably going to go eat it all now, so let's end on a high note! And by a high note, I mean a high note for me.
"You are good at this" -- What my book editing teacher wrote on my edits for a pro-life, highly conservative, murder mystery manuscript.
Aaand I guess a high note for everyone else too:
It's a puppy!
However, I regret to announce that, despite what I said in my last post, coffee is no longer a miracle drink. Well, it could be. But the last time I drank some I ended up not falling asleep until 3 AM and having the jitters. The jitters are not fun. I suppose it's my fault for drinking coffee at 8 PM, but there you have it. And then the next day my heart continued to race, and then the next day, and the next, and maybe I was thinking about it too much because I am a freak, but I eventually went to the doctor about it and despite the fact that I may have been imagining the whole damn thing, I got hooked up to a heart monitor.
This is what it looks like. Ooo, very snazzy, you might say. Sleek. New. I bet it's even comfortable!
It's not. Above is a rough approximation of how it's actually hooked up to a human being. Why yes, it IS rather like having a large spider attached to your chest. Not to mention it burned like the fires of a thousand fiery suns when I pulled the damn tape off.
Anyway, after that whole lovely event, I actually had a perfectly lovely weekend where I frolicked and carved a badass pumpkin:
See? Isn't that so freakin badass? I thought so. I found a tutorial online, but by the time I went to carve the pumpkin, all I had was the picture, so basically everything was like, "okay draw... this looks retarded... carve... retarded...oh wait, it actually looks pretty cool." Luckily I had help in the form of one Daniel DeCola, who did all the technical stuff with the sizing of the hole for the gourd and shaving off the skin, which is how the teeth and eyes are more yellowy than orange. I'm pretty sure that if I had done this alone the pumpkin would have actually looked like a five year old child somehow got a hold of a knife and randomly cut shapes out of a pumpkin.
I also went trick or treating, because this is the last time in my life where it will be socially acceptable, or close to socially acceptable. Yes. I am 22 years old and I still consider it socially acceptable for me to be trick or treating. I got a ton of candy, so I'm not complaining. Although I'll probably start complaining once I eat it all, put on 30 lbs, and have all my teeth fall out.
Speaking of candy, I'm probably going to go eat it all now, so let's end on a high note! And by a high note, I mean a high note for me.
"You are good at this" -- What my book editing teacher wrote on my edits for a pro-life, highly conservative, murder mystery manuscript.
Aaand I guess a high note for everyone else too:
It's a puppy!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I guess the theme of this is robots. And spandex. ROBOT SPANDEX. Do I have your attention?
It has been two months since I've updated. Well, almost. But it's a friggen long time, especially for one of my friends who has been begging me night and day to update my blog. It's gotten to the point where they can't sleep. Okay maybe that's a lie.
Unfortunately, I do not have any fan fiction reviews, although perhaps I will try to do a couple more (hopefully in this month). Reading reams of bad fan fiction was making my brain literally start to rot and fall out my ears, thereby making me unable to think and also blind. I can't do things when I'm blind, like read or go to school or play video games. Especially play video games. Although, come to think of it, I don't really do that anymore because I quit WoW (say what?!?). I am, however, going through withdrawal and am this close to buying DragonAge for my mac.
Anyway, moving past my debilitating addiction, I honestly have nothing exciting to say. I could tell you about my day but that's boring, and only involves me being ill prepared for the rain, not being able to find my umbrella, stupidly not wearing my new rain boots OR a rain coat because "it doesn't look that bad out." IT IS. I just walked from Boylston to Arlington and got absolutely soaked. I then decided it was raining too hard, got on the T to Copley, and then had a fire alarm go off in my ears. Then I walked to Borders and that's where I currently am. Why am I in Borders, you ask? Why are you not in the library at Emerson? That's obviously far closer. Well, I would reply, if you had asked me this question and it was not just me talking to myself, I am at Borders because every Emerson student has decided that studying in the library is better than studying in their freakin dorm rooms, which, may I point out, are at most 50 feet down the sidewalk. Anyway, there was no where for me to sit, so I was prompted to make a bad decision and walk halfway to Borders.
Today, I was also shown this:
If you are still with me after that, than you deserve a cookie. You are allowed to say WTF. You'll still get a cookie. No, I don't understand it either. But damn it all if it isn't stuck in my head for the rest of the day.
Here are some other random things:
1. An Animal Machine Hybrid. Fo' realz.
Watch out, human robot hybrids are around the corner. Isn't this terrifying?
2. And While We're on the Subject of Robots....
That, my friends, is an autonomous robot guarding nukes in Nevada. Autonomous meaning NO ONE CONTROLS IT. Again, we are coming ever closer to a robot take over.
3. Coffee is a miracle drink
No, I have no article or anything to back this up, other than the fact I just had a cup and I FEEL INVINCIBLE. It's amazing how drinking coffee gives me superpowers. It also makes me feel like maybe I'm not going to drown in photo chemicals later this semester. In other words, my photography project is becoming increasingly lame, and coffee makes me feel like I can fix it. I must buy more coffee.
And that's it. I would try and find more awesome things for you to look at and therefore continue let you continue to rot your brain by staring at a computer screen, but I have other productive things to do. Like go to class and discuss a manuscript about frat guys that like drinking fruity margaritas. Well, that's not all it's about. But do guys seriously do that?
I didn't think so.
Unfortunately, I do not have any fan fiction reviews, although perhaps I will try to do a couple more (hopefully in this month). Reading reams of bad fan fiction was making my brain literally start to rot and fall out my ears, thereby making me unable to think and also blind. I can't do things when I'm blind, like read or go to school or play video games. Especially play video games. Although, come to think of it, I don't really do that anymore because I quit WoW (say what?!?). I am, however, going through withdrawal and am this close to buying DragonAge for my mac.
Anyway, moving past my debilitating addiction, I honestly have nothing exciting to say. I could tell you about my day but that's boring, and only involves me being ill prepared for the rain, not being able to find my umbrella, stupidly not wearing my new rain boots OR a rain coat because "it doesn't look that bad out." IT IS. I just walked from Boylston to Arlington and got absolutely soaked. I then decided it was raining too hard, got on the T to Copley, and then had a fire alarm go off in my ears. Then I walked to Borders and that's where I currently am. Why am I in Borders, you ask? Why are you not in the library at Emerson? That's obviously far closer. Well, I would reply, if you had asked me this question and it was not just me talking to myself, I am at Borders because every Emerson student has decided that studying in the library is better than studying in their freakin dorm rooms, which, may I point out, are at most 50 feet down the sidewalk. Anyway, there was no where for me to sit, so I was prompted to make a bad decision and walk halfway to Borders.
Today, I was also shown this:
If you are still with me after that, than you deserve a cookie. You are allowed to say WTF. You'll still get a cookie. No, I don't understand it either. But damn it all if it isn't stuck in my head for the rest of the day.
Here are some other random things:
1. An Animal Machine Hybrid. Fo' realz.
Watch out, human robot hybrids are around the corner. Isn't this terrifying?
2. And While We're on the Subject of Robots....
That, my friends, is an autonomous robot guarding nukes in Nevada. Autonomous meaning NO ONE CONTROLS IT. Again, we are coming ever closer to a robot take over.
3. Coffee is a miracle drink
No, I have no article or anything to back this up, other than the fact I just had a cup and I FEEL INVINCIBLE. It's amazing how drinking coffee gives me superpowers. It also makes me feel like maybe I'm not going to drown in photo chemicals later this semester. In other words, my photography project is becoming increasingly lame, and coffee makes me feel like I can fix it. I must buy more coffee.
And that's it. I would try and find more awesome things for you to look at and therefore continue let you continue to rot your brain by staring at a computer screen, but I have other productive things to do. Like go to class and discuss a manuscript about frat guys that like drinking fruity margaritas. Well, that's not all it's about. But do guys seriously do that?
I didn't think so.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
7 Awesome Geeky Things I Found
Recently, I've noticed that I'm bored out of my mind while I'm at my internship (see my previous post). Yet today, while sending e-mails to geek/tech websites, I've stumbled across a couple of completely AWESOME AND BADASS things. Maybe I just think they're awesome because I've always wanted a tetris block that transforms into a gun, or because I find awkward family photos amusing. And if you've been reading this blog since the beginning (all 3 of you!) then you may remember a post about why nerds were awesomer than the average human being. Just keep that in mind as I present you with further proof.
1. Spiderman Loses
And THAT is why I fucking love photography.
6. Awkward Family Photos
Remember that picture of you from when you were 3 and your mom thought it would be cute to take pictures of you naked in the bathtub? And then maybe she would have stuck some bath toys to your head because it just makes it that much cuter? Well feel shame no more because these pictures are much, much worse. Click here to visit the site.
7. Brick in Washing Machine
Yeah. That's a brick being thrown into a washing machine. I don't know why, but I find this hilarious and can't stop laughing at it.
I found most of this from www.geekologie.com, which is an awesome site so you should check it out. Other odd bits I found from www.gadgetreview.com and www.thinkgeek.com.
1. Spiderman Loses
Who ever made this web out of packing tape wins. Then again, they probably have too much time on their hands. But if you say that to their face, they'll toss you in and let you be slowly consumed by the robotic spiders they built.
2. Chewbaca on a Squirrel Fighting Nazis
I have no words for this, other than HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
3. How I Want My Ice Cubes to Look
I've been told that I need ice cubes, because my freezer does not make ice and I do not have an ice cube tray, because I am, apparently, lame. Well if I got this, I would no longer be lame! Right? So yeah, someone buy me this ice cube tray.
4. Gigantic Block Transforms Into...A Gun?
Looks like a harmless puzzle block, right? Kind of like an extremely complicated cross between tetris and a rubix cube. WELL YOU'RE WRONG. First you take it apart:
And then, because you don't need those fucking lego instructional manuals anymore, you build this:
GODDAMN. Yes. It is a WORKING gun. As in you could kill a man with it.
5. Let's Take a Moment to Drool Over This Photo
And THAT is why I fucking love photography.6. Awkward Family Photos
Remember that picture of you from when you were 3 and your mom thought it would be cute to take pictures of you naked in the bathtub? And then maybe she would have stuck some bath toys to your head because it just makes it that much cuter? Well feel shame no more because these pictures are much, much worse. Click here to visit the site.
7. Brick in Washing Machine
Yeah. That's a brick being thrown into a washing machine. I don't know why, but I find this hilarious and can't stop laughing at it.
I found most of this from www.geekologie.com, which is an awesome site so you should check it out. Other odd bits I found from www.gadgetreview.com and www.thinkgeek.com.
Monday, August 2, 2010
What My Morning At My Internship Was Like
I have been reminded how much I never want to have kids. All morning I've been looking at parenting websites as part of my internship, and according to the ever knowledgeable interwebs, babies are tiny demon soul eaters, toddlers only scream and cry, young children are brats, and teenagers are basically the facial herpes of parenting. I've just read an article on how to change a baby girl's diaper, which goes into a lot more detail than I needed. Do I really need to read this? Do I really have to research parenting websites for marketing a book? Sadly, yes. If there was ever a form of birth control, this is it.
And then there are the large amount of sites dedicated to giving advice on how to deal with teenagers. Like they're a different species. Which, you know, they might be. I haven't been a teenager for almost TWO WHOLE YEARS now, and I'm already feeling a generation gap. Like with those stupid shaped rubber band bracelets. What's the point? I'll tell you what the point is - there is none. ABSOLUTELY NONE. It's like, "OH MY GOD IT'S IN THE SHAPE OF A HUMBACK WHALE! And now I'll put it on my wrist and it becomes RANDOM SQUIGGLES."
God I'm old. Pretty soon my knees will give out, I'll have to use a cane, and my plan of being a two-fast-red-corvette-driving old lady will have to take effect. But I draw the line at cats. I will not have fifity cats. I will have great danes and rottweilers. If all goes according to plan, I will also have a castle, a moat, and fifty alligators.
I was trying to make it through today without being crazy, but I guess that's out. And I was only two hours in.
But you know, trying to entertain myself by writing a semi-crazy blog post is the only way I can make it to lunch. And then after that I'll probably become a miserable wreck trying to drag myself through the afternoon. And then on the way home, I will pass out on the T, miss my stop, end up at Boston College, and get trapped inside a T all night.
And then there are the large amount of sites dedicated to giving advice on how to deal with teenagers. Like they're a different species. Which, you know, they might be. I haven't been a teenager for almost TWO WHOLE YEARS now, and I'm already feeling a generation gap. Like with those stupid shaped rubber band bracelets. What's the point? I'll tell you what the point is - there is none. ABSOLUTELY NONE. It's like, "OH MY GOD IT'S IN THE SHAPE OF A HUMBACK WHALE! And now I'll put it on my wrist and it becomes RANDOM SQUIGGLES."
God I'm old. Pretty soon my knees will give out, I'll have to use a cane, and my plan of being a two-fast-red-corvette-driving old lady will have to take effect. But I draw the line at cats. I will not have fifity cats. I will have great danes and rottweilers. If all goes according to plan, I will also have a castle, a moat, and fifty alligators.
I was trying to make it through today without being crazy, but I guess that's out. And I was only two hours in.
But you know, trying to entertain myself by writing a semi-crazy blog post is the only way I can make it to lunch. And then after that I'll probably become a miserable wreck trying to drag myself through the afternoon. And then on the way home, I will pass out on the T, miss my stop, end up at Boston College, and get trapped inside a T all night.
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