Why I Want A Pipe

I have written a poem entitled The Love Song of Alfred J. Prufrock (The Pipe). It's what I would name a pipe if I had one. I dont know how I thought of this, but I found it while unpacking all my desk stuff. And Allison Slater is equally to blame for this awesome madness.


Oh, Alfred, my lovely little pipe
I shall sing sweet songs to you
deep into the night.

Oh Alfie! My heart yearns for
your woodiness! The grains, the
dark varnish of your graceful curve!

You, who are my only connection
to the beautiful things in life -
the sweet smell of burning leaves

an incense of the most luscious kind.
What I wouldn't give to spend my
life with you, lovely Alfie,

my little wooden pipe.

Oh who can say what will happen
when we finally meet? When we
are united at last?

I shall kiss thee so tenderly
and pretend that I am smoking
merely to give pleasure for one word:

"'Ello." Oh, pipe! Lovely little
pipe! Play me dulcet tones of
love, my Alfred -

named and wanted for love, for
happiness! You shall be my
greatest treasure, for thou

are the only light, my little
tobacco addiction. I shall devote
myself to our love, to you,

Alfred J. Prufrock the pipe.



And then I guess after writing that I wasn't being silly enough, so I also wrote what appears to be an ode to a Cheez-It, although it's vaguely sexual.


"The Love Song of Flavor Explosions"

"I'll explode flavor into your mouth!"
she said, laughing hysterically,
climbing out of Christian the
Snow Fort.

Explosions of Cheez-It flavors,
to enlighten the taste buds, to
provide a harvest with so many
flavors that you explode!

Cheddar cheese! Parmesan!
Oh Holy Sweet Mother of Holy
Christian Forts! The
motherfucking flavor!

May God help ye, ye who partake
in this chaos of flavors!
OH THE MADNESS!

How much flavor can you handle?
Oh, what a question!
The quest for flavor ends here,
in a box of cheesy snacky goodness!

Bite into one! It releases so
much flavor that you are swept away!
Stars are born! The blind can see!
Kids with polio are cured!

FLAVOR EXPLOSIONS!
BAM! BOOM! POW!
The taste buds are overwhelmed!
Your mouth explodes!

And then you die.





And this is why I like sugar. The End.