Remember a year ago when I started working with dirty sailors?

I wrote this a while ago, while I actually still worked for the Clipper, and so only made this available to select people since I didn't want to take any chances and get fired. But now I don't work there anymore and since I am quite unlikely to work there ever again, and since my boss no longer works there, I figured it was time to let the rest of the world see this masterpiece. I give you THE LIBERTY CLIPPER TRAINING MANUAL.



Hello and welcome aboard THE LIBERTY CLIPPER. Here is where we can make all your sailing dreams (and more!) come true. While working for THE LIBERTY CLIPPER, you will experience some of the best, and most desirable, working conditions you've ever known! From helping customers book sails to maybe even sailing the high seas yourself, working at THE LIBERTY CLIPPER is sure to be exciting! Here are some guidelines for you to follow once you start your new job:

Types of Sails

Noon sail - You go sailing around some islands. Yay islands!

3 PM Harbor Sail - More islands! More sailing! More dirty water!

Boston Tea Party Sail - Only available Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends, not that we'd tell you that. Includes a time traveling revolutionary from the 1700s. Huzzah!

Sadly, not this kind of tea party.

6 PM Sunset Sail - You can see the sun set!...if it's not cloudy, raining, thundering, or a Wednesday.

Sunday Brunch Sails - Only on Sundays. Eat breakfast as the crew salivates over actual food! This food will be brought to you by a frustrated girl in a broken down jeep who got lost on the way back from BJ's.

This would be a better option.

Private Charters - The best thing ever because they give the lots of cash monies. You'll hate them because you're the one that has to call the people scheduled for a sail that day and tell them that they're totally uncool and not invited anymore. Then they will hate you.

Bed and Breakfast - Or as we affectionately call it, "BOAT and breakfast!" Get it?? Cause you're on a boat!

Sailors

Never ever talk to them. Ever. Don't start up a conversation with them, don't say hi to them, don't even look them in the eye because then they can work their sailor-piratey voodoo magic on you. Most of the time they are unhappy because they get paid sixty percent less than minimum wage, but they don't need money because they smell. Regular meals are a foreign concept to them. They can subsist entirely on oysters and rum. If they fall overboard, they dissolve immediately, due to salt. Office workers MUST be wary because even just one glance and you could find yourself in the ocean, somehow transformed into a humpback whale with a sailboat full of harpoons and guns chasing after you. And you want to know how? PIRATE MAGICS.

All attempts to find a picture of a sailor that wasn't a slutty Halloween costume failed. So here's a whale.

Go Boston Cards

The people who hold these cards are SPECIAL. You must cater to their every need, because they are a cross between entitled yuppies and... entitled yuppies. They lose us money on nearly every sail, but they do like to complain about paying $10 a ticket to Boston Tea Party Sails. They're not allowed on sunset sails unless they give us their first born child.

Refunds

We don't give 'em! HAH! ...Unless we cancel the sail due to thunder, because loud noises frighten us. Otherwise the customer is S.O.L.

Discounts

Reluctantly given. We do AAA when we feel like it. Which is Fridays at 2:01 and Tuesdays at 11:37.

Don't give me any of that B.S., cute puppy. No means no.

Booking

Remember to get all the customer's important information! Name, cell phone, number of people, credit card number, billing address, mother's maiden name, favorite color, favorite food, drink of choice, boxers or briefs, their entire life story, and who they voted for in the last election. Then once all that is entered into our online booking program, you get to cross your fingers and pray that the credit card won't be denied. Hooray!

The Liberty Clipper

Our boat is a 125 ft schooner, which means it has two masts instead of one, which makes it more badass. It holds about 100 people and has three whole bathrooms! (I'm sorry, heads.) And the most important feature, A CASH BAR!

Light on the stormy, heavy on the dark. And it's better with a lime, you fools!

Of course, there's more to your new job than just this. You also get to do the following:

- Redecorate the office with Christmas bulbs!
- Wrangle dogs!
- Drive your boss' car to Southie for breakfast!
- Count money!
- Throw lines!
- Chase after those dogs again!
- SORTING!
- And more!

We're so glad that you chose THE LIBERTY CLIPPER! We look forward to working with you!