Bad Fanfiction Review: The Least Funny Joke of All Time

I’ve been meaning to review this one for a long time. In fact, I even had half of it written when evil hippogriffs rampaged through my hard drive and ate it. I say hippogriffs because this lovely little tale focuses a lot on them, or rather, how Harry and Draco are turned into hippogriffs and fall in love. However, I don’t want to give it all away in one go, so read on, ye horrified readers.

George and Fred are known as pranksters. However, as the author of this story points out, “Some jokes just aren’t that funny…” Apparently, they have turned both Harry and Draco into hippogriffs, which, let’s be honest, we’ve all wanted to do at one time or another just so they could finally recognize the burning passion they have for each other. But I’m getting ahead of myself again.

Upon waking up in their changed state, Harry and Draco each charge to the headmaster’s office. Draco gets there first, and ever unflappable, Dumbledore sends Snape off to call Draco’s father as if he were ordering a spot of tea. Harry comes galloping in soon after, and Draco goes absolutely bonkers. Everyone else thinks that Draco is attacking Harry, but Hagrid, suddenly appearing on the scene, announces that Draco “just wants to mate.”

What.

I like to think everybody gave Hagrid blank looks at this fact, but as Draco is humping Harry and purring, it’s rather obvious that this story is nine levels of wrong. Hagrid takes it to eleven levels as he explains that in hippogriffian culture, there are submissives and dominants. Draco is dominant and Harry is—duh—submissive. Harry merely rolls his eyes at this statement, “as if to say ‘That’s soooo me.’” It is then decided that letting them live together in the Forbidden Forest is the best way to handle this. Because if Draco rapes Harry, no one wants to see that.

Poor Ron.

Unfortunately, the reader follows them into the forest, and Draco randomly decides to call Harry “Harriet.” But the bizarre incidents do not stop there. They are met by some centaurs, who apparently have the same mating lifestyle as hippogriffs in that there are only males. Submissives (remember that this is Harry) can get pregnant. Because what’s a horrible fan fiction without a good, healthy does of male pregnancy? And since submissives are rare, all the dominant hippogriffs will all try to “jump” Harry, as Draco puts it. Normal people call it hippogriff rape.

As the story progresses, Harry and Draco settle into hippogriff domestic life with Draco hunting and Harry making…nests. Until one day a brown hippogriff shows up while Draco is gone. This is the hippogriff equivalent of the bed intruder.

He's climbing in your nests, snatching your...er, hippogriffs up?

As the brown hippogriff is…er…holding Harry down, he keeps saying things like “Ah ah, pretty one, Don’t do this now. Calm down” and “Ah ah ah pretty. You shouldn’t say such nasty words.” But Draco saves the day and all is well. They even decide to call each other “friends” instead of “enemies.” Because once you’ve nonstop humped your mortal enemy for weeks, you become friends automatically.

You humped my leg for 2 hours today. I guess we can be friends now.

In the next chapter, we get our first glimpse of consensual hippogriff sex, which isn’t much better than hippogriff bed intruder sex. After only a couple of horrifying images which I wont get into, they are happened upon by Ron, Hermione, Blaise, and Pansy. This spells all types of awkward. Hagrid, probably deciding “Oh what the fuck,” announces that mating season is coming up.

We feel your pain, Mr. Bill.

Harry and Draco take this rather differently. Harry is panicking, like any sane, normal wizard who has been turned into a hippogriff. Draco can only think “Babies, babies. Cute babies.” Thankfully, the author skips the next hippogriff sex scene, presumably because she (or he?) has figured out how FUCKING AWKWARD it is. But since Harry gets pregnant as a result, maybe she doesn’t know how fucking awkward it is.

Or that’s what I thought. But let’s forge on into more awkwardness, shall we? Back at the castle, Fred and George are ever so sorry that they played this joke. They apologize to Lucius, Draco’s father, and he waves it off and kisses them both. On the mouth. Sexually. Oh, and there’s this note too:

My Dear Twins,

I hope that I didn't shock you too much with those two little kisses. If you want more I suggest that you come to the Malfoy Manor. You have one hour before my wards goes up again.

I'll be waiting.

Yours, Lucius

I will blow you... away.

Meanwhile, Ron is pining after Snape. We know this because he talks about it with Harry.

After that brief tidbit, we are transported to the Malfoy manor, where Fred and George are “sweaty, sticky and well fucked.” Kind of makes you wish we had the hippogriffs back, doesn’t it?

And then we jump forward to Lucius telling Snape that Snape actually fancies “young Mr. Weasley.” In response, Snape says that Ron is adorable. Because I guess Snape does shower flowers on the unsuspecting, especially if he uses the word “adorable.” And then he hunts Ron down and after a gentlemanly apology, kisses him and then prances off, presumably to cuddle bunnies.

And I just want them all in my house so I can roll around in them, and I want them in a basket with a bow on a rainbow...

But let’s go back to the hippogriffs for a moment because OH MY GOD THE BABIES ARE COMING. And then Harry lays some eggs and they hatch. All it in all, that part isn’t too bad if you discount the words “Harry lays some eggs,” and the fact that there’s a lot of growling and purring. And the fact that the babies call Harry “Mama.” And the fact that they are prone to walking in on a lot of sex.

I will spare you the ensuing details about the Ron/Snape and George/Fred/Lucius love affairs going on intermittently throughout this horrid piece of smut that isn’t so much smut as it is a shining example of Rule 34. You really don’t need to hear about Fred and George having sexytime with Lucius by swirling whipped cream and chocolate sauce all over each other’s bodies. You also don’t need to hear of the budding romance between Ron and Snape that plays out like a ridiculous Jane Austen novel. So instead I’ll skip to the part where Snape finds a cure for the hippogriffness of Harry and Draco.

Sob.

So Ron announces it to Harry and Draco, with their little hippogriff children present. Said hippogriff children are shocked and have a brief bout of “You’re going to leave us! I hate you!” which lasts about 10 seconds. Then they are promptly okay with this new development. It is decided that Harry and Draco will take the potion, but visit their hippogriff children as often as they can.

I will let that weirdness seep in for a moment.

So Harry and Draco take a potion and it turns them back into humans! Hooray! They turn and pet their hippogriff children, presumably to say goodbye, but all of a sudden…

POOF!

Their hippogriff children turn into real children!

And as they say, alls well that ends well in weird stories about bestiality, incest, and sex with minors. Harry and Draco’s children still have a knack for walking in on awkward sex scenes, Ron and Snape are happy and have two children, and Fred, George, and Lucius still have amusing romps around the house.

Please, someone, for the love of God, LISTEN TO THEM.

However, I am left wondering why it ends with Ron prancing around the kitchen with grace while wearing a blue and white apron. And the whole thing ends with the line “Ron snickered while Severus carried him up the stairs for some mind blowing sex in the bathtub.”

I’ll leave you to scrub your brains with vinegar now.