"How to (im)properly convince an editor to publish your book."
Note: Not Actually the Awesome book being discussed here. But still. What is that? A giant frog? And it's EATING THE WORLD? HOLY SHIT THAT'S AWESOME!Dear Sir or Madam,
Hello. If you are reading this, then you are reading the proposal for The Best Book Ever! If you have read the manuscript for this book, then you know why it is the best book ever. However, if you need some incentive, here it is: This book is AWESOME. If you can't gather that from the title, then you, dear sir or madam, are mentally retarded, and should probably get that checked out.
This book has everything you need: four color photos, glossy pages, superb writing, and witty dialogue. There is no other book out there like it. We have categorized this book under "Curiosities and Wonders," a title we half made up and half stole from amazon.com. But that's okay, because this book friggen rocks. What's that? "Curiosities and Wonders" isn't a real category? No book store will sell it like that? Well let me shove this Awesome manuscript page down your throat, and you can digest the curiousness and wondrous aspects of this book.
Once you read this book, Awesome things will start to happen to you. Rainbows will explode over the sky whenever you walk outside. A unicorn will follow you around and take up residence in your closet. Flowers will bloom under your feet. Bunnies will follow you, birds will sing to you, and trees will rain down cash upon your Awesome head. However, if you do not publish this book after reading it, all those wonderful things will explode and die crying in fiery balls of molten lava, and you, Mr. Editor, will be responsible for the death of those beautiful things. Furthermore, you will deprive millions of people of this awesomeness. Shame on you, you killer of joyousness, shame on you.
Everybody in the world will buy this book because everybody likes Awesomeness, and furthermore, everybody loves unicorns and bunnies. And money. No books can compete with this one. For every book that tries to, this book will shoot it in the face with poisonous blow darts, and the offending book will die a horrible, painful death, with much vomiting. The author of that book will get dragged to hell by demonic goats, and the editors will turn into stone, forever to be shit on by dirty pigeons.
No e-book version of this book will be produced. E-books are dumb, and deserve to be sucked into a black hole.
As for where this book will sell? Everywhere. No questions. Because I say so.
So please publish this book, otherwise you will die. Alone. Forever. The End.
Yours most sincerely,
The Author
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