New Bad Fanfiction Review: House of Night

Hello readers! It is time… time once more to delve into that mysterious and deceptive realm of really bad fan fiction. Since it is the holidays, I figure that I can melt my brain just a little more to bring you hilariously bad reading.

This festering turd of a story is called Welcome to the House of Night Child of Neferet. Yes, it is really called that. I mean, really. How much more unimaginative can you get? I suppose I should also mention that this fan fiction takes place in the House of Night series, where young people are marked as vampires by other vampires pointing dramatically at the young people, whereupon the young people get weird tattoos on their foreheads. Then they all hole up in this giant house and try not to attack each other or drink human blood or go into a fit of seizures and die, all the while being ruled by an evil vampire named Neferet. Also, there are evil red eyed vampires. The main character of this series, a young girl named Zoey Redbird, seems normal enough until she gets marked and then has approximately ten boyfriends and five lovers and has sex with all of them. Seriously, it’s ridiculous. I only read the first couple books, so I only saw about three boyfriends, but believe me, MORE COME. Because, much like Bella Swan, Zoey is a bitch.

Now that you have some background, on to the bad fan fiction.

From the first sentence, it is bad. It is clear that this is one of those stories where the author must describe how EVERYONE looks, but most importantly of all, how she looks, which she does through the main character. It’s not an accurate representation of her looks, but instead how she wishes to look. Also, it becomes quite clear that the main character, Chloe Hall, has special powers. As if that’s not enough, the author’s name is also Chloe. And thus, we witness the birth of a Mary Sue.

Chloe Hall dresses like any other wannabe vampire – straight out of Hot Topic. (Which, incidentally, is owned by Claire’s. PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.) Anyway, after describing her tank top and tight, tight, jeans, and the snake named Jeckel that she wears on her shoulder, she admires her orange hair that reaches the floor. Although we learn later that she is the daughter of Neferet, the evil vampire mentioned above, this makes it sound more like she is the illegitimate offspring of Cousin It.

Truly terrifying.

She is then marked, blah blah, meets two girls (both with impossible hair) who will bring her to the House of Night, and then is dragged into her “gorgeous neon green mini convertible.” What? Seriously, if I ever see a car like that, I will puke. How is neon green gorgeous? How does it not look like a tub of silly putty molded into the shape of a car? I bet this girl wears silly bandz on her arms. She seems the type.

You are a silly child.

Anyway, Chloe gets to the H.O.N. and meets Zoey, who has apparently settled down and married Stark, one of her lovers or whatever. Zoey takes the time to patiently explain who the characters are that we have briefly seen, what they do, who their mentors are, and if they have any pets and what their pets’ names are, and so on and so forth. I do not jest – Anya and Saffron, the two that bring Chloe, have a cat named Jadeybob. It’s probably the most unfortunate cat in existence. It probably wants to die for the shame of having such an awful name.

The face of shame.

The next couple chapters we are introduced to Anya and Saffron and their boyfriends, who are named Jasper and Remus. It is no coincindence that Anya is obsessed with Twlight and Saffron with Harry Potter. OH MY GOD THEIR BOYFRIEND’S NAMES ARE THE SAME AS CHARACTERS IN THOSE BOOKS HOW CLEVER. Chloe quickly becomes enamored with her marker, who is named Tom. Tom starts calling Chloe “snake charmer.” How original. Oh Tom, you definitely know how to woo. Also, it seems they only have two classes that first day. LACK OF PLOT ALARM.

I quickly learn that Chloe spends half her time narrating her outfit changes, and the color of the fishnets she’s wearing, and how her make up looks. The author readily admits she spends time thinking of outfits for Chloe to wear. It brings to mind a rather horrifying image, but let’s not dwell on that. Her friends tell her she looks fantastic and she goes on a date with Tom. The next morning, Chloe attempts to leave and eat breakfast in her pajamas, but Anya stops her screaming “DO NOT GO OUT THERE LIKE THAT!” Because apparently Tom is out there and if he sees her like that he will never ask her out again, ever, because Tom is a shallow bastard.

Actually, I don't blame him.

But all is well! Tom asks Chloe to a dance, she accepts, and has a omg totally scene dress! SURPRISE – it’s neon green. At the dance, a slutty vampire named Shannon Marie approaches and is predictably bitchy, but strangely accurate when she comments that a rainbow threw up on Chloe. Anyway, they dance, Chloe learns that she is telekinetic and can talk to snakes, and then reveals that she can also spin a mean beat, because WHAT CANT SHE DO?

The next morning Tom tells her he has a reputation as a ladies man. Chloe responds with a violent earthquake, because that’s how shit goes down. Also, Chloe is a bitch, and responds violently to any honesty or offers of help.

Run, bitches. Run.

The next chapter is an array of different points of view and they don’t make any sense at all. Chloe runs away, runs into her twin brother, Alex, because EVERYONE HAS A FREAKING TWIN. Tom is Anya’s twin. Why shouldn’t Chloe have one? You have a twin! You have a twin too! Everybody gets a twin!

And a humpback whale!

Eventually Chloe drives back and isn’t mad anymore, because…well, who knows. Maybe she’s having her period.

The next chapter, and the last one, is a whole lot of nothing. Chloe and gang go to class. Alex visits Chloe, then admits he’s hearing their evil mum talk inside his head. And thus is ends, and I am glad I no longer have to feel like I’m stabbing hot irons into my eyeballs.

Halloween? More Like Fun-o-ween! .... I'm lame.

Hello, friends! I was going for two updates in one month, but I figured that would be excessive. Maybe I'll try it this month. But huzzah! Another update!


However, I regret to announce that, despite what I said in my last post, coffee is no longer a miracle drink. Well, it could be. But the last time I drank some I ended up not falling asleep until 3 AM and having the jitters. The jitters are not fun. I suppose it's my fault for drinking coffee at 8 PM, but there you have it. And then the next day my heart continued to race, and then the next day, and the next, and maybe I was thinking about it too much because I am a freak, but I eventually went to the doctor about it and despite the fact that I may have been imagining the whole damn thing, I got hooked up to a heart monitor.


This is what it looks like. Ooo, very snazzy, you might say. Sleek. New. I bet it's even comfortable!


It's not. Above is a rough approximation of how it's actually hooked up to a human being. Why yes, it IS rather like having a large spider attached to your chest. Not to mention it burned like the fires of a thousand fiery suns when I pulled the damn tape off.

Anyway, after that whole lovely event, I actually had a perfectly lovely weekend where I frolicked and carved a badass pumpkin:


See? Isn't that so freakin badass? I thought so. I found a tutorial online, but by the time I went to carve the pumpkin, all I had was the picture, so basically everything was like, "okay draw... this looks retarded... carve... retarded...oh wait, it actually looks pretty cool." Luckily I had help in the form of one Daniel DeCola, who did all the technical stuff with the sizing of the hole for the gourd and shaving off the skin, which is how the teeth and eyes are more yellowy than orange. I'm pretty sure that if I had done this alone the pumpkin would have actually looked like a five year old child somehow got a hold of a knife and randomly cut shapes out of a pumpkin.

I also went trick or treating, because this is the last time in my life where it will be socially acceptable, or close to socially acceptable. Yes. I am 22 years old and I still consider it socially acceptable for me to be trick or treating. I got a ton of candy, so I'm not complaining. Although I'll probably start complaining once I eat it all, put on 30 lbs, and have all my teeth fall out.

Speaking of candy, I'm probably going to go eat it all now, so let's end on a high note! And by a high note, I mean a high note for me.

"You are good at this" -- What my book editing teacher wrote on my edits for a pro-life, highly conservative, murder mystery manuscript.


Aaand I guess a high note for everyone else too:


It's a puppy!

I guess the theme of this is robots. And spandex. ROBOT SPANDEX. Do I have your attention?

It has been two months since I've updated. Well, almost. But it's a friggen long time, especially for one of my friends who has been begging me night and day to update my blog. It's gotten to the point where they can't sleep. Okay maybe that's a lie.

Unfortunately, I do not have any fan fiction reviews, although perhaps I will try to do a couple more (hopefully in this month). Reading reams of bad fan fiction was making my brain literally start to rot and fall out my ears, thereby making me unable to think and also blind. I can't do things when I'm blind, like read or go to school or play video games. Especially play video games. Although, come to think of it, I don't really do that anymore because I quit WoW (say what?!?). I am, however, going through withdrawal and am this close to buying DragonAge for my mac.

Anyway, moving past my debilitating addiction, I honestly have nothing exciting to say. I could tell you about my day but that's boring, and only involves me being ill prepared for the rain, not being able to find my umbrella, stupidly not wearing my new rain boots OR a rain coat because "it doesn't look that bad out." IT IS. I just walked from Boylston to Arlington and got absolutely soaked. I then decided it was raining too hard, got on the T to Copley, and then had a fire alarm go off in my ears. Then I walked to Borders and that's where I currently am. Why am I in Borders, you ask? Why are you not in the library at Emerson? That's obviously far closer. Well, I would reply, if you had asked me this question and it was not just me talking to myself, I am at Borders because every Emerson student has decided that studying in the library is better than studying in their freakin dorm rooms, which, may I point out, are at most 50 feet down the sidewalk. Anyway, there was no where for me to sit, so I was prompted to make a bad decision and walk halfway to Borders.

Today, I was also shown this:



If you are still with me after that, than you deserve a cookie. You are allowed to say WTF. You'll still get a cookie. No, I don't understand it either. But damn it all if it isn't stuck in my head for the rest of the day.


Here are some other random things:

1. An Animal Machine Hybrid. Fo' realz.


Watch out, human robot hybrids are around the corner. Isn't this terrifying?


2. And While We're on the Subject of Robots....


That, my friends, is an autonomous robot guarding nukes in Nevada. Autonomous meaning NO ONE CONTROLS IT. Again, we are coming ever closer to a robot take over.


3. Coffee is a miracle drink

No, I have no article or anything to back this up, other than the fact I just had a cup and I FEEL INVINCIBLE. It's amazing how drinking coffee gives me superpowers. It also makes me feel like maybe I'm not going to drown in photo chemicals later this semester. In other words, my photography project is becoming increasingly lame, and coffee makes me feel like I can fix it. I must buy more coffee.


And that's it. I would try and find more awesome things for you to look at and therefore continue let you continue to rot your brain by staring at a computer screen, but I have other productive things to do. Like go to class and discuss a manuscript about frat guys that like drinking fruity margaritas. Well, that's not all it's about. But do guys seriously do that?

I didn't think so.

Oh Crap, A Brick!

Remember that washing machine video? It just got about ten billion times better.

7 Awesome Geeky Things I Found

Recently, I've noticed that I'm bored out of my mind while I'm at my internship (see my previous post). Yet today, while sending e-mails to geek/tech websites, I've stumbled across a couple of completely AWESOME AND BADASS things. Maybe I just think they're awesome because I've always wanted a tetris block that transforms into a gun, or because I find awkward family photos amusing. And if you've been reading this blog since the beginning (all 3 of you!) then you may remember a post about why nerds were awesomer than the average human being. Just keep that in mind as I present you with further proof.


1. Spiderman Loses

Who ever made this web out of packing tape wins. Then again, they probably have too much time on their hands. But if you say that to their face, they'll toss you in and let you be slowly consumed by the robotic spiders they built.


2. Chewbaca on a Squirrel Fighting Nazis

I have no words for this, other than HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

3. How I Want My Ice Cubes to Look

I've been told that I need ice cubes, because my freezer does not make ice and I do not have an ice cube tray, because I am, apparently, lame. Well if I got this, I would no longer be lame! Right? So yeah, someone buy me this ice cube tray.



4. Gigantic Block Transforms Into...A Gun?


Looks like a harmless puzzle block, right? Kind of like an extremely complicated cross between tetris and a rubix cube. WELL YOU'RE WRONG. First you take it apart:

And then, because you don't need those fucking lego instructional manuals anymore, you build this:

GODDAMN. Yes. It is a WORKING gun. As in you could kill a man with it.

5. Let's Take a Moment to Drool Over This Photo

And THAT is why I fucking love photography.


6. Awkward Family Photos

Remember that picture of you from when you were 3 and your mom thought it would be cute to take pictures of you naked in the bathtub? And then maybe she would have stuck some bath toys to your head because it just makes it that much cuter? Well feel shame no more because these pictures are much, much worse. Click here to visit the site.


7. Brick in Washing Machine



Yeah. That's a brick being thrown into a washing machine. I don't know why, but I find this hilarious and can't stop laughing at it.


I found most of this from www.geekologie.com, which is an awesome site so you should check it out. Other odd bits I found from www.gadgetreview.com and www.thinkgeek.com.

What My Morning At My Internship Was Like

I have been reminded how much I never want to have kids. All morning I've been looking at parenting websites as part of my internship, and according to the ever knowledgeable interwebs, babies are tiny demon soul eaters, toddlers only scream and cry, young children are brats, and teenagers are basically the facial herpes of parenting. I've just read an article on how to change a baby girl's diaper, which goes into a lot more detail than I needed. Do I really need to read this? Do I really have to research parenting websites for marketing a book? Sadly, yes. If there was ever a form of birth control, this is it.

And then there are the large amount of sites dedicated to giving advice on how to deal with teenagers. Like they're a different species. Which, you know, they might be. I haven't been a teenager for almost TWO WHOLE YEARS now, and I'm already feeling a generation gap. Like with those stupid shaped rubber band bracelets. What's the point? I'll tell you what the point is - there is none. ABSOLUTELY NONE. It's like, "OH MY GOD IT'S IN THE SHAPE OF A HUMBACK WHALE! And now I'll put it on my wrist and it becomes RANDOM SQUIGGLES."

God I'm old. Pretty soon my knees will give out, I'll have to use a cane, and my plan of being a two-fast-red-corvette-driving old lady will have to take effect. But I draw the line at cats. I will not have fifity cats. I will have great danes and rottweilers. If all goes according to plan, I will also have a castle, a moat, and fifty alligators.

I was trying to make it through today without being crazy, but I guess that's out. And I was only two hours in.

But you know, trying to entertain myself by writing a semi-crazy blog post is the only way I can make it to lunch. And then after that I'll probably become a miserable wreck trying to drag myself through the afternoon. And then on the way home, I will pass out on the T, miss my stop, end up at Boston College, and get trapped inside a T all night.

Really Bad Fanfiction: Everything Goes to Hell

I may have ripped apart fanfiction before in the name of comedy, but this…. this absolute piece of utter shit… THIS IS PERSONAL. Well. Not really. But I feel like it is. And besides that, this… thing has everything in it that makes fanfiction bad and horrible and generally unreadable (unless, you know, the author has actually taken an English class).

This heap of steaming dung, entitled Emerald and Topaz, starts off at St. Mungos after the final battle, where Harry Potter-Black sits in a hospital room staring at a chess board. You should know that in this story, Harry has long hair, a black rose tattoo on his neck, and a shit load of scars.


Yeah, it’s one of those stories.

Also, Malfoy, Hermione, Neville, Blaise, and Luna have all become Harry’s siblings. Normally I would say I have no idea how, but this time I do:

“Hermione had lost her parents while Luna lost her dad, both were alone and Harry didn't want that for his friends. So him and Severus worked together and found a potion which would bind them together as siblings.”

We're all so happy together! And blonde!

Fuck. This is like the third paragraph. I shall give you some more background summed up into one paragraph rather than 11 chapters. Ron is dead, leaving behind an unfinished chess game with Harry which makes Harry cry a lot, Harry is gay and had a vampire boyfriend named Nathan, and then Nathan died too, Snape and Lupin are lovers, Lupin likes to refer to Harry as his “cub,” Malfoy is dating Hermione, Blaise is dating Ginny, and Neville is dating Luna, which is the only semi-rational thing in this mess, as the author may have well as just written plot points down on slips of paper and pulled them out of a fucking hat or closed her eyes and giggled as she pointed at random things. Which explains why Harry is poisoned and Sirius Black comes back to life as a dog named Padfoot.

This complicated chart that has nothing to do with the story somehow explains it all.

Anyway, Harry needs a change of scenery, so he moves to Forks (with his doggy pal, Padfoot aka Sirius), so it’s only natural that he meets the Cullens. But the first thing Harry has to do when he gets there is take a shower and have a moment to be really fucking retarded. The author includes a song that is by Apocalyptica. If you are familiar with Apocalyptica, you may be shaking your head and going “Awhaaahuh?” In my case, I grabbed the nearest object and threw it against the wall. Harry sings the song “I Don’t Care,” by Apocalyptica, featuring Adam Gontier while he’s in the shower, remembering back to the time when Pansy Parkinson betrayed him.

Yeah, she includes a song by these guys.

Okay, sure, Adam Gontier is from Three Days Grace and might be a hero of emos everywhere, I don’t know. All I know is that it’s a good fucking song and Apocalyptica DOES NOT DESERVE TO HAVE THEIR SONG DUMPED INTO THIS SHIT. Do you know what this is like? It’s like reading a story about rainbows and bunnies written by a 13-year-old and then seeing an Iron Maiden song sung by one of the emo ponies.

Yeah, it’s like being shot in the chest. And it also makes you want to throw whoever wrote it into a volcano.

INTO THE FIERY PIT OF DOOM! NOW!

Aaaaand this is just the first chapter! Yay! Onward!

Harry soon meets the Cullens, when he slips in the supermarket but Carlise CATCHES him. Oh thank God. Cause, you know, Harry might have died, and then this story wouldn’t have survived. Oh wait.

The next day he goes to school on a motorcycle (naturally) and meets the Cullens. Him and Edward immediately fall for each other. Naturally. Bella is in this story, but only as an afterthought. Because Bella is a bitch.

To sum up chapter two, all the Cullens like Harry, except Rosalie, because Rosalie hates everyone.

Die, scum.

As the story progressed onward, I started to notice that it didn’t really have a plot. Sure, once in a while Harry would get into some sort of scrape (almost dying in a fire, getting captured by Death Eaters and saved by the Cullens, telling the Cullens he’s MAGICAL), but mostly it focused on Harry being absolutely retarded, Edward gazing Harry’s eyes and calling him pet names (such as “my emerald,” or “my raven”), and the rest of Harry’s friends popping in whenever something completely mind fuckering needs to happen.

For example, Fred and George pop by one day and prank the entire Cullen family. Or take for instance when Snape and Lupin show up and Harry drinks a potion to get rid of the rest of the poison in his body. At one point Rosalie decides Harry is okay after he saves her from Death Eaters and then tells her how Pansy betrayed him to Voldemort, whereupon he was locked up and raped everyday.

Come on. Really? Really?

Now, lets tally something up. Poorly written? Check.
"You were the cause of my pain!"Harry said, his eyes brimming with betrayal.”

Predictable character with abusive background? Check.
“He pulled on a silver shirt and smiled lightly, pulling back his hair and tying it back using a blood-red cloth, revealing a black rose on the right side of his neck.”

Lack of plot? Check.

Unneccessary rape? Check.
“Voldemort locked and bound me in a cell where I was raped nearly every day by his followers.”

The only thing that’s left is male pre—
“Harry, what do you know of male pregnancy's?"Poppy asked, watching as Harry's eyes widened.”

Oh dear God.

Well Harry’s not pregnant yet. He just has the ability to be pregnant cause he’s all powerful and shit. And also has the ability to spontaneously grow a vagina.



Ending, where is the damn ending to this thing? Oh. Right. Well I guess it’s a happy ending, if you like being completely mindfucked.

Harry and Edward get married. Harry gets pregnant. Harry starts acting like a little bitch. Harry gives birth to twins. Hermione and Luna get pregnant. Fred and George get married. (“Molly wasn't shocked at all at the choice; in fact I think I saw a spark in her eyes." Harry said smirking.) Everybody has kids.

Then I burst into tears because nobody died.

If you want to read this or you have a really sick sense of what comprises a good story, read it here.