How to Get A Date, Fall in Love, Or Just Have Really Great Sex

NOTE: THIS IS FICTION AND NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. PLEASE DONT ACTUALLY TAKE THIS ADVICE.

Written as a how to piece for my art of fiction class. Now complete with pictures and video!




First, you have to pick a person. Any person will do really. They don’t even have to be attractive, but you must feel some sort of attraction towards them. If they are not attractive, you might face some criticism from your friends, but ignore this. This is YOUR life, damn it, and you are calling the shots here.

This was your choice, remember.

However, if your potential date is cute, be prepared to fight off other suitors with whatever you have handy, be it rumors, a large stick, or a giant spear. Get yourself noticed by this person, but make sure it is in a good way. You don’t want to be noticed because you pick your nose or smell bad. Get noticed because you smell nice, because you’re witty, and because you’re really smart. (For instructions on how to be a good student, see “How to Be A Good Student” by Cassandra Mortimer.)

Getting noticed is the first step. The next step is possibly the hardest: somehow make this person like you enough to want to go on a date with you. It’s okay if you have nothing in common, but it’s easier if you do. You could absolutely love “The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats, and your crush could think that song was the spawn of Satan and everything wrong in the world today, but as long as you find some common ground –

Actually, if you disagree over that, it’s probably best to start from scratch. Find someone else who loves “The Safety Dance.” It’ll be much easier that way.



Now that you have at least one thing in common, you can start the courting stage of your relationship. Be witty and funny as always, but make sure you ask your potential date questions about him or herself. Be interested in what they have to say. Or if you find it more boring than picking out toe jam, at least pretend to be interested. Sit with them at lunch. Establish a casual friendship. Once you have been doing this for around two to three weeks, casually ask if they would like to go see a movie some time. Or suggest getting lunch. If you’re really lucky, they will ask you, but that’s a big if. It’s better to take some sort of initiative yourself. They will either agree to lunch or a movie, in which case that is your cue to jump up and down madly once they are out of sight, or if they say no, that is your cue to rush to the nearest bathroom and burst into tears or maybe punch a wall. If the latter, go back to step one.

If, however, you are jumping up and down madly or perhaps smiling in a sort of goofy way, you have succeeded! Congratulations! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, eager mcbeaver. This is only the first step.

The next is actually going on the “date.” Throughout the movie or lunch or whatever it is you two love birds are doing, judge your dates reactions. Be prepared, and bring your own money in case they’re a cheap bastard. If they’re nice, they’ll buy you your ticket, popcorn, or meal. It might even be possible that they consider this a date. HOWEVER, if they buy all three for you, and don’t let you spend a cent, they are taking this maybe as seriously as you are.

During the movie, be hyper aware of where your arms, hands, legs, and feet are in relation to your date’s. Slowly inch your arm/hand/leg/foot closer to your date’s as the movie progresses. Try to make the movements seem natural. If your date is inching their arm/hand/leg/foot closer as well, that is your green light. And for goodness sake, wipe off your sweaty palms. Nobody wants to hold hands with The Thing from the Swamp.

You and your sweaty palms.

If everything else goes swimmingly, you may even get a kiss at the end of the date. Hooray for you, smooth rider.

However, your date could go way to the other end of the spectrum. At the worst, they will not pay for you at all, shove popcorn in their movie messily, chew noisily, and spit disgustingly all over you when they make a comment about the movie. In this case, this person is disgusting or completely and utterly clueless, in which case you should move on. Or send them to a Miss Manners class. Or hit them over the head with a brick and scream “I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT I LIKE YOU, YOU MORON. STOP BEING DISGUSTING AND LOVE MEEEEEEE.” Hopefully, this is not how your date will go.

Let’s assume that your date went swimmingly. Let’s assume your date went SO swimmingly that you were asked on several more dates. Let’s assume on all of those dates you kissed, and let’s also assume that you have been asked to be their significant other. You’re a real lucky bitch, aren’t you?

Okay so, you’ve got yourself a real, honest to God, boyfriend or girlfriend. The hard part is over. All you have to do now is keep spending time with them. Either you will eventually fall in love, or you will get so bored you want to bang your head against the wall. Unfortunately, this guide does not cover how to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. That is messy and extremely unpleasant work, and there is really no right way to do that. And since I do not want to be responsible for collateral damage, such as broken fingers, black eyes, or broken hearts, I will not even get into that. For heaven’s sake, just go read Cosmo and see what they say. Then you can blame them for all your problems.

Pictured: A Scapegoat.

However, I can tell you how to cope once you do break up. Sleep for a week straight and eat nothing but junk. After this week is over, stop eating all that junk, you fatty. Go to the gym and burn calories. This will not only get you back in shape, you may tire yourself out to the point where all you can think about is sleep. Throw yourself into homework with a vengeance. (Once again, see “How to Be A Good Student” by Cassandra Mortimer.) Let your life be consumed with seemingly mundane activities, because no matter how mundane they may seem, they will distract you. If you were really in love, then the pain you feel might fade over time, but if you were really in love this will continue for some time. If you were REALLY in love, then this may never go away. Each night as you fall asleep your heart will get ripped to pieces as you dream about your love, and each morning your heart will be replaced with some sort of bleeding piece of meat. Even worse, you might not want to fall out of love with this person, because being out of love with them is worse than being in love with them. Still, you are probably the unluckiest person in the world.

You may want some relief now. Well, go have some really great, awesome, sex, if only to fill the void within you for a short period of time. Even if you weren’t in love with your boyfriend / girlfriend, and are not leaking tears, you can still enjoy awesome sex. For this task, choose someone HOT. Or cute. Or somewhat attractive. Finding someone like this is easier than you think. It’s not as if you are choosing a life partner, and so you can settle for any Tom, Dick, or Harry. (Or any Harry, Dick, or Tom.) Go to a party and look for people that are slightly tipsy, NOT DRUNK. If you find a drunk person, the sex will be sloppy at best, and at worst, you will be vomited upon. This is not something you want. Find someone tipsy, someone who will be more likely to kiss you, but is still coherent enough to think sensible thoughts. Then find an empty room (it doesn’t matter what kind of room, even a bathroom will do in a pinch) and have at it. You probably shouldn’t be a virgin if you want to try this approach. It will lead to even more feelings of emptiness, regrets, and bags full of cheese doodles.

Giant... cheese... balls. Uhh...

Even if you are not a virgin, you may still get these feelings. Even though you are having awesome sex, you may still feel as if you are a cone without ice cream, or a doodle without the cheese. Thus, this approach is inadvisable after the first couple weeks.

If you keep going back to the same person for really awesome sex, you may start to develop feelings for them. You may want to start this whole damn thing again, because despite all the pain, dating and falling in love is so damn exciting. This is a perfectly normal reaction. However, the cycle will start again, in which case you’ll want to go back to the beginning of this paper.

Unless none of this happened to you. Maybe you are still with your boyfriend / girlfriend, and maybe you’ve been together for six weeks or eight months or two years, and you just know that you want to stay together forever, get married, and have billions of babies. Maybe you are just so in love that nothing can shake your relationship. Maybe you are living an epic love story. Well aren’t you the fortunate one, you googly eyed son of a bitch. Stop reading this paper and give it to someone who needs it.

Or else this woman will throw her giant spear at your head. And you will die.





THE END

Explosions! Noise! Kablam!

RAWR.

I've been kind of stressed for a bit, which explains the lack of postings.

I meant to write about moving into my apartment (long, sweaty) or my continuing adventures with ikea (annoying) or my 21st birthday (ahfidjga). I could also write about how I ordered a text book through a 3rd party at amazon.com and never received it, called Amazon, got my money back, and then got a package with the wrong book in it.

There's also my photography class tomorrow where I will be developing my first two rolls of film and my fear that it will come out completely black or blurry or something like that.

but now.. LIZ IS HOME SO I MUST GO MAKE SWEET SWEET LOVE TO HER. AHHH.

The Blind Assassins: A Brief History That Is Mostly True

The Blind Assassins are a Tuesday Night Trivia team from Bolton, Massachusetts. They were formed sometime in early July of 2009. This 6 person group consists of Allison Slater, geography and history whiz, Bethany Slade, art connoisseur, Kim Robinson, movie and TV expert, Alyssa Lawrence, literary madman, Nicholas Lawrence, science and math master, and Robert "Griffy" Griffith, noted song master with a good overall knowledge of baseball. The team ended their summer season on August 18, 2009.

Pictured: The Blind Assassins

The Blind Assassins have a good overall knowledge of useless facts, an attribute that makes them score consistently high in trivia. Despite setbacks, the team usually manages to do well until the last bonus question, claiming, "It's all or nothing, bitch! Go big or go home!" Several setbacks include missing team members and "hard questions." A notable absence from the team was Mr. Griffith, who disappeared for three weeks sometime in July. When asked about his whereabouts, he said he had been fishing in Utica, NY. Mr. Griffith was not present for the team's last game of Summer 09.


The team has placed several times. Their first brush with a title came in early July, when they tied for third. As a tie-breaker, they were asked how many noodles came in a Campbells Soup can. Their answer, 100, fell short of the 218 noodles that are in the can, and thus were pushed into fourth place. A couple weeks later, they captured the third place spot at last.

Seeing that there was no where to go but up, the next week the team placed first, winning a $30 gift certificate to The Old Timer, where Tuesday Night Trivia was held. During the next game, the team promptly bought two orders of potato skins, four orders of chicken fingers, and a round of drinks.

The Blind Assassins then went on to claim second place, winning themselves T shirts, with labels such as "Jameson & Son," "Guinness," and "Smirnoff." There was much celebration at this fact, and everybody went home extremely happy, feeling that their lives were finally complete.

Pictured: Completeness

It was around this time that the aforementioned "Griffy" disappeared for three weeks, and so The Blind Assassins had to change their name or face the shame and humiliation of losing very, very badly. The name changed to Panic Attack in the first week, Whompachusetts in the second, and The Bubonic Plague in the third. Each time the team failed miserably, but it was okay because no one knew who they were.

Upon Mr. Giffith's return, the team did noticeably better, although still bombed every time they got to the final bonus question.

Perhaps the biggest controversy of all occurred during the team's last game, on August 18. The Blind Assassins had cleverly cracked a secret code, and found out that all the answers to the questions were in alphabetical order. The team soared, answering question after question right. Some answers were wrong, but most were right, which is really all that matters. The bonus question, "What is the name of Edgar's exterminator truck in Men In Black?" wasn't too difficult, and the team wrote down Zapp. However, the technically correct answer was "Zapp 'Em." Upon finding out that they did not actually have 98 points and second place, The Blind Assassins proceeded to "fuck shit up," amassing about $500 in damage as they rampaged across the tables. One could be heard yelling, "WE GOT THE FRIGGEN NOD! WE TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE GOT THAT QUESTION!" Another merely screamed and smashed glasses. Fans of The Blind Assassins have stood faithfully by them, claiming them to be the real winners, forever and for always.


The Blind Assassins have also participated several times in Bonus Trivia, which they won in mid July. Each member went home with a $10 cash prize and happiness.

Pictured: Happiness.

The Blind Assassins are currently on hiatus, waiting for the start of their winter season. Each member is training hard, and the team can be expected to be back on top once more.

Observations About the Train I Am On, And Other Things

I only really have one observation, and that is because my other one (I am the only non-asian on this train) was proven to be false once the train stopped at Lincoln.

The free wi-fii is pathetically PATHETICALLY slow. Like I understand that its free, and its on a moving train. But still. It's slower than my computer at work, which is a crappy PC and crashes about 3 times a day.

Other Things:

I have been lazy and therefore haven't thought of a hilarious topic to titillate you with. That's a good word, isn't it, titillate. Ttiitttiiillllaaatteee. Yeah.

Yesterday, however, I did see someone get arrested for selling crack. Like the police car chased him down and this guy grabbed him and put him on the hood of the car hands behind the back and everything. It was intense, and I almost got hit with the cop car.

Speaking of intense, I had an intense charlie horse in my neck about an hour ago and it's still extremely sore. All I did was turn my head and then BAM. I was on the ground incapacitated and swearing. That's not at all interesting, and I'm sorry.

I did have the opportunity to name a hamster though. Its previous name was Hamster. I named it Sir Nathaniel Remington Vanderbilt III. Much improved, I think.

If I ever have kids, they're going to have the most glorious names.

Wanted: New Role Model

Okay so remember in the first entry how I really wanted the URL for this to be PINKPOWERRANGER? Yeah. I've been doing some thinking... I used to watch Mighty Morphin Power Rangers a lot when I was little, although I don't remember much. I do remember thinking that the pink power ranger, Kimberly Hart, was awesome. Plus, she totally had this thing going with the green power ranger after he was done being evil. I dreamed of the day when I could fight evil in a hot pink spandex suit.

Well, I can safely say that I still do not have a pink spandex suit. Nor have I punched any bad guys in the face. Plus, I like to think that I've grown up a little since I was 7. So I'm looking for a new role model, someone whose wise example I can follow whenever I need advice.

I have narrowed down my final choice to three people/cartoon characters. They are:


1. Nikola Tesla

So you know how Edison invented electricity? Well guess what. Nikola Tesla did it a 1000 times better.

This man is HOT.

Instead of a direct current that Edison so obstinately pursued, Tesla invented the alternating current. Once business partners, Tesla left after Edison refused to pay him the promised price for all his awesome work. (The jerk!) Once Tesla had perfected the AC system in the late 1880s, Edison went bankrupt. None of this really matters.

What's really important about Tesla is that he literally was a mad scientist. He invented, among other things, the Tesla coil, wireless techonology, the radio, and teleforce. I don't even know what teleforce is, but it sounds awesome. He also had a fucking death ray.

Pictured: Fucking Death Ray

Okay, so it was technically a giant particle beam. Whatever. It shot energy particles through the air with such tremendous energy that it could bring down a fleet of 10,000 enemy planes at a distance of 250 miles. That sounds like a death ray to me.

Tesla was also extremely eccentric, had OCD, liked to do things in multiples of threes and had an intense love for pigeons.


2. Captain Murphy

Ballin.

For those of you who watch Sealab 2021 will understand me when I say that Captain Murphy is the best character on the show. For those of you that don't, allow me to explain.

Basically, Sealab is an under water base where the crew members supposedly conduct under water researchy type things. They don't actually do this. Captain Murphy is their leader, although he spends more time being awesome than doing any actual leading. He owns a Happy Cake oven and wears strange hats for no reason. He has the ability to institute Martian law. He has a pet gloop named Squishface. In one episode, he becomes a robot with chainsaw hands.


NEED I GO ON?


3. Billy Mays

Okay, I realize this may be a touchy subject, because Billy Mays is, after all, dead. Which is incredibly sad, and may he rest in peace. Really, I'm sure he was a brilliant man. After all, he could sell just about anything. And when I say anything, I mean he could probably sell a piece of wood with a nail in it just by shouting about it.

Like remember oxyclean? It was so awesome Billy Mays couldn't just talk about it, he had to shout it out to the whole world. And then there was mighty putty, orange clean, Kaboom!, grip wrench, Zorbeez... the list goes on.

What Billy Mays taught us is that with the right volume and a magnificent beard, you could sell just about anything.

Indeed.

So my choices are thus:

1. A mad scientist with a huge death ray.
2. A mad captain that turned into a robot with chainsaw hands (once).
3. A man with the ability to sell ANYTHING.


All three are worthy choices, but I'm going to have to go with chainsaw hands. I mean, what can possibly be cooler?

Congratulations Captain Murphy, you win. Punch it, ho bag.

Creppy Looking Animals #4-6

Continuing on with the previous post, here are animals #4 - 6 that look bat shit crazy scary, but are actually kind of cool.

4. The Pink Fairy Armadillo

If this doesn't make you say "What the fuck...?" I don't know what will. The name makes it sound flamboyant and possibly homosexual, but it does not look anything of the sort.


It. looks. like. a GIANT HAIRY COCKROACH. with claws. LARGE claws. It doesn't look pink, nor fairy-like. Maybe it's just a bad picture. Maybe.

These.... things... live in Argentina, among the cacti and the shrubbery, burying themselves in 5 seconds if they get freaked out. So basically if you walk by one, chances are you're not going to see it. And the Pink Fairy Armadillo is not the type of creature to suddenly leap out and attach itself to your face. That would be the Australian Funnel Web Spider. Which lives in Australia. Where you should never ever go. Ever.

Point is, these fairy armadillos only eat ants and ant larvae. So you don't have to worry about them trying to bite your arm off. Unless your arm looks like an ant.

5. The Aye Aye

The adults of this species look okay. They have fur, at least. The babies, however, look like they want to steal your soul. And your babies. And every single joyful thing in your world. It will do this just by looking at you.

I want your babies.

Soul sucking ability aside, the Aye Aye is actually quite clever. It hops around Madagascarian trees, knocking on the wood. Why, you ask? Well tapping lets it know where the grubs are, and grubs = yummy. Once it finds its meal, it gnaws a hole through the freakin wood, inserts its middle finger, and draws the bugs out. (Is it just me, or does this seem strangely sexual?) In addition to being clever, the Aye Aye is also the world's largest nocturnal primate.

The good news is that it doesn't really suck your soul. It might steal whatver coconuts or mangos you have lying around, but not your babies. Oh, and it grows into this:

Much better than that god forsaken hairless thing it started out as.

6. The Human Face Fish

I'm sure most of you have either heard of this fish or perhaps seen it somewhere. If you haven't, let it be known that its not just creepy, its also a little unsettling.


The eyes are actually not those dots on the front of the head, they're those weird lumps on the side. Still, that doesnt take away the impression that this human face on a fish is screaming every time it opens its mouth.

The good news though, is that it lives in Korea, in a pond, not in the wild. So you don't have to worry about encountering one while scuba diving and consequently having a heart attack. It will not eat you or try to mutilate your face. It will mostly just scare the crap out of you.

As for cool things it can do, there isn't any. Sorry. This one is just creepy. Harmless, but creepy.

6 Animals That Look Scary, But Are Actually Quite Cool Once You Get Over the Whole "WHAT THE FUCK" Part

As the people at cracked.com like to say, "Mother nature has got it out for us, and so has filled the earth with hundreds of creepy animals that can kill you in half a second." (I'm paraphrasing.)

Well I'm going to follow that thinking, and instead of supplying information on how many creatures can kill you and where they live (hint: Australia), I will list animals that actually won't kill you. Albeit animals that look like they crawled out from God knows where, but still pretty harmless.

1. The Wolf Eel

I originally found this one through a facebook quiz. The picture result was thus:

I immediately screamed, "DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING," and hid under my covers. I don't know if that's a dead and bloated wolf eel or what, but this is what they really look like.

Although it looks like an old man that can eat you, your family, and your dog all in one sitting, the wolf eel is actually quite peaceful. They are found mainly in the Pacific northwest, and are a favorite among scuba divers. They live in dens, and eat mainly sea urchins and other spiny things that seem impossible to digest. Wikipedia notes that they can be aggressive, but come on, its wikipedia. All other sources have noted that they are mostly friendly creatures, so I suppose one will try and bite your arm off, say, if you punch it in the nose. But come on, who would want to do that to THIS?

Om nom nom nom!

2. The Sea Pig

This too, was found through a facebook quiz. Unfortunately, this animal really does look like this. Nothing can be done to save it.

The oddity does not stop there. Although not much is known about it, we do know that what a sea pig actually is is a sea cucumber. It lives on the bottom of the ocean floor and it eats mud. I am not making this up. Also, the sea pig seems to be the most abundant type of animal down there. As extremescience.com puts it, "The sea floor must be 'hog heaven' for these sea pigs!" Indeed. Maybe there is something to be said for eating mud. And, you know, it doesn't look that freaky once you get used to it. Maybe it's kind of cute?

Nope. Still kind of freaky.

3. Attenborough's Long-Beaked Echidna


Long thought to be extinct, this particular species of echidna has recently been found Papua New Guinea. Other species, such as the short-beaked echidna, live where all the rest of the freaky animals live: Australia. And if you need to know why they are freaky, look below. Yeah, there's a lot of phallic imagery going on there.

It just wants a high five.

Phallic imagery aside, these guys are pretty cool. They're like a very confused ant eater crossed with a platypus. They eat ants and other bugs pretty much the same way ant eaters do - they slurp them up using their long, sticky tongues. Not only are they sticky, their tongues have tiny spines on them to capture meals. And they lay eggs like a platypus. And their noses look like penises.

AND they're CUTE!

This is getting long, and I know some people have the attention span of gnats or flies or echidnas with cameras, so for animals 4-6, stay tuned!