More specifically, here are the trailers to some really awesome movies. I know this because I have seen these movies, and have deemed them really awesome. So without further ado, here are 5 awesome movies trailers for awesome movies.
5. Everything Is Illuminated
If you want a "thinking" movie, one where you might possibly become very confused but still immensely enjoy the movie, then this is it.
4. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
However, what this trailer neglects to mention is the monkey named Steve that battles enraged gummy bears on a flying car. I don't know why they left out this important element.
Oh, and the cop is voiced by Mr. T.
3. Drag Me to Hell
Okay so this one is only "awesome" because it is hilariously bad and also because there is a demonic talking goat in it. This also isn't the real trailer, but this will give you an accurate idea of what the movie is like.
Yup. The main character continuously gets vomit in her mouth. That is pretty much the whole movie. And the goat saying "YOU WHOOOOORRRREEEEEEEE!"
2. Eagle vs. Shark
"Hey fool... sucka... you foolish....you foolish sucka."
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
1. Amelie
In french, but the movie's subtitles are pretty good. The trailer's are not as good, but still fairly accurate. The movie is actually BETTER than the trailer, so please take my word for it and perhaps watch even a bit of it because IT IS FUCKING AWESOME.
The End.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Facts of My Day
1. I left taking pictures for my first photo 2 assignment until last night/today, so at 9:00 this morning I was standing out on my balcony taking pictures of the street hoping to capture a fast moving car. I also was not wearing any socks. I don't know if you know this, but if you're outside with no socks, your feet get cold quite quickly. And turn white.
2. Whilst doing the laundry, the machine started to shake uncontrollably as it went into the spin cycle. As a result, a bottle of laundry detergent fell off the top and nearly killed me.
3. While crossing the street at Boylston and Tremont, I nearly tripped while trying to discern if I actually knew the person in front of me. I did not.
4. According to my copy editing class, most college seniors do not know the difference between a noun, a verb, and an adjective. Christ. It's not rocket science guys.
5. I nearly tripped again while on the way out of my classroom.
6. While developing my film, I had a sudden yearning to be back in photo 1, where we actually had 4 hours in the dark room instead of 2, where I almost felt like I knew what I was doing, and where I actually looked forward to class instead of having a minor panic attack because I have no idea what I'm supposed to have done by tomorrow.
7. In the T station, while waiting for the erstwhile B train, I saw the following trains go by, in this order: D C E E D D D. I mean, COME ON. Seriously? Three D trains in a row? Madness. Complete and utter madness.
8. I remained pressed up against the opposite door for most of the T ride. I basically had to limbo under some old guy's arm to get off. It was quite claustrophobic.
9. My second to last text book came today. On my way up the stairs I dropped it three times.
10. Once inside my apartment, I realized no one was home. I obviously then proceeded to put on loud music and air guitar my way through all the rooms in my apartment.
11. I seriously considered having brownies and coffee for dinner. I ate a little pasta instead, but I'm still seriously considering it.
2. Whilst doing the laundry, the machine started to shake uncontrollably as it went into the spin cycle. As a result, a bottle of laundry detergent fell off the top and nearly killed me.
3. While crossing the street at Boylston and Tremont, I nearly tripped while trying to discern if I actually knew the person in front of me. I did not.
4. According to my copy editing class, most college seniors do not know the difference between a noun, a verb, and an adjective. Christ. It's not rocket science guys.
5. I nearly tripped again while on the way out of my classroom.
6. While developing my film, I had a sudden yearning to be back in photo 1, where we actually had 4 hours in the dark room instead of 2, where I almost felt like I knew what I was doing, and where I actually looked forward to class instead of having a minor panic attack because I have no idea what I'm supposed to have done by tomorrow.
7. In the T station, while waiting for the erstwhile B train, I saw the following trains go by, in this order: D C E E D D D. I mean, COME ON. Seriously? Three D trains in a row? Madness. Complete and utter madness.
8. I remained pressed up against the opposite door for most of the T ride. I basically had to limbo under some old guy's arm to get off. It was quite claustrophobic.
9. My second to last text book came today. On my way up the stairs I dropped it three times.
10. Once inside my apartment, I realized no one was home. I obviously then proceeded to put on loud music and air guitar my way through all the rooms in my apartment.
11. I seriously considered having brownies and coffee for dinner. I ate a little pasta instead, but I'm still seriously considering it.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
11 Things I Wish to Accomplish
Bucket lists. New Years resolutions. Goals. Whatever you call them, I apparently have them. Fortunately, my list does not include impossible goals, such as "solve world peace," "plant a money tree," or "learn to speak Icelandic." They are simple goals. Nothing extremely life changing here, unless you count being able to enjoy the simple pleasure of building snow forts or being able to accurately tell what time it is. These 11 things can easily be accomplished with a little bit of time, effort, and YOU. Yeah, typically these are better done with a friend because I'm probably so helpless on my own that I will pathetically fail each and every one. But I'm still going to try.
And, hopefully, with each item that I can cross off the list, I will write about it here and tell you about my awesome failures or awesome AWESOMENESS.
1. Build a giant snow castle.
A castle that is likely to have snow alligators.
I'm not talking about a pathetic little fort here. I'm talking HUGE BADASS CASTLE. With turrets and tunnels, and possibly a moat. With snow alligators.
Okay so maybe snow alligators aren't that realistic. But a giant snow fort IS.
2. See the Rocky Horror Picture Show at least once.
Yes, as in I want to dress up all crazy and go watch this movie with a bunch of other crazy dressed up people. I've never actually seen the movie, but it sounds weird and fun. What's better than dressing up in really odd / hot outfits? NOTHING.
Odd and hot. My favorite combination.
And, hopefully, with each item that I can cross off the list, I will write about it here and tell you about my awesome failures or awesome AWESOMENESS.
1. Build a giant snow castle.
A castle that is likely to have snow alligators.I'm not talking about a pathetic little fort here. I'm talking HUGE BADASS CASTLE. With turrets and tunnels, and possibly a moat. With snow alligators.
Okay so maybe snow alligators aren't that realistic. But a giant snow fort IS.
2. See the Rocky Horror Picture Show at least once.
Yes, as in I want to dress up all crazy and go watch this movie with a bunch of other crazy dressed up people. I've never actually seen the movie, but it sounds weird and fun. What's better than dressing up in really odd / hot outfits? NOTHING.
Odd and hot. My favorite combination.3. Go to the opera.
I've never been, and I want to see one. Doesn't even matter if it's not in English. I've listened to some opera thanks to my freshman Listening to Music class and it's actually quite beautiful. I wouldn't be able to understand what they were saying if I hadn't taken the class, but that really doesn't matter. I think the music conveys what it's about anyway.
I've never been, and I want to see one. Doesn't even matter if it's not in English. I've listened to some opera thanks to my freshman Listening to Music class and it's actually quite beautiful. I wouldn't be able to understand what they were saying if I hadn't taken the class, but that really doesn't matter. I think the music conveys what it's about anyway.
4. Learn how to brew my own coffee.
Because right now I have no idea how to. I know, I'm pathetic. There's something with the filter (which are a lot of a fun to play with, actually, they're quite fantastic for throwing about) and then there's either beans or they're ground up. And there's something with the water and then POOF there's coffee.
Yet as my friend Alli said, "Alyssa, it's a lot more than just water + coffee beans + poof = coffee." Or something to that effect.
Dear God I should really get on this.
And when I'm done, my coffee will look like this, i.e. PERFECT.
5. Make new friends.
But keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. (Yeah I was a girl scout, what of it?)
This is actually serious though. I have wonderful friends, don't get me wrong. But the past couple semesters I've met a few people in my classes who were genuinely nice people, and then after the class is over I've never spoken to them again. Which is sad. And makes me wonder if I'm somehow defective. So I'm trying to stay in touch.
6. Get As in my classes.
Yeah, unlike this semester where I was SO EFFIN CLOSE.
This letter also begins my name. I guess that's one "A" I'll always have. OH GOD I'M SO LAME.
Well, I'll update on how my efforts go. And if all else fails, I'll just buy lots of blankets, make a fort, and never come out.
Because right now I have no idea how to. I know, I'm pathetic. There's something with the filter (which are a lot of a fun to play with, actually, they're quite fantastic for throwing about) and then there's either beans or they're ground up. And there's something with the water and then POOF there's coffee.
Yet as my friend Alli said, "Alyssa, it's a lot more than just water + coffee beans + poof = coffee." Or something to that effect.
Dear God I should really get on this.
And when I'm done, my coffee will look like this, i.e. PERFECT.5. Make new friends.
But keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. (Yeah I was a girl scout, what of it?)
This is actually serious though. I have wonderful friends, don't get me wrong. But the past couple semesters I've met a few people in my classes who were genuinely nice people, and then after the class is over I've never spoken to them again. Which is sad. And makes me wonder if I'm somehow defective. So I'm trying to stay in touch.
6. Get As in my classes.
Yeah, unlike this semester where I was SO EFFIN CLOSE.
This letter also begins my name. I guess that's one "A" I'll always have. OH GOD I'M SO LAME.7. Buy a pipe and name it Alfred.
Don't ask why. I really don't remember at this point why I want a pipe named Alfred. I suppose pipes are just bad ass.
Hello, Alfred J. Prufrock the Pipe.
8. Get a watch.
I used to have a Puss n' Boots watch, which I got out of a cereal box. It was the best watch ever and I always knew what time it was. I was a happy youngster of 15.
Unfortunately, disaster struck, and Puss n' Boots died from drowning. Ever since then, I've relied on my phone to tell me the time, which is usually enough. However this weekend I had no computer, my phone died, and I kept asking for the time every 2 seconds. So enough is enough. I need a fricken watch. Hopefully this will lead to being more organized in other aspects of my life. Probably not, but oh well.
*Note: I just spent about 45 minutes searching for a picture of that watch that I know I had, but I could not find it. Oh woe.
9. Learn a new word everyday and incorporate it into a sentence.
Bonus points if the sentence contains a clever sexual pun, a la Shakespeare. Did you know that in Shakespeare's day, "dance" was also another word for "to fuck?" Yes, I'm serious. The sentence, "Hey, didn't I dance with you last night?" takes on a whole new meaning. I freakin love Shakespeare.
Yeah, I don't understand the cover either.
10. Find trivia (and a trivia team) that takes place in Boston.
Because while The Blind Assassins are awesome, I need something to occupy my Tuesday nights with in Boston.
11. Learn how to play Chopin's Nocturne on the piano.
Because it's so damn beautiful.
And complicated. Shit.
Don't ask why. I really don't remember at this point why I want a pipe named Alfred. I suppose pipes are just bad ass.
Hello, Alfred J. Prufrock the Pipe.8. Get a watch.
I used to have a Puss n' Boots watch, which I got out of a cereal box. It was the best watch ever and I always knew what time it was. I was a happy youngster of 15.
Unfortunately, disaster struck, and Puss n' Boots died from drowning. Ever since then, I've relied on my phone to tell me the time, which is usually enough. However this weekend I had no computer, my phone died, and I kept asking for the time every 2 seconds. So enough is enough. I need a fricken watch. Hopefully this will lead to being more organized in other aspects of my life. Probably not, but oh well.
*Note: I just spent about 45 minutes searching for a picture of that watch that I know I had, but I could not find it. Oh woe.
9. Learn a new word everyday and incorporate it into a sentence.
Bonus points if the sentence contains a clever sexual pun, a la Shakespeare. Did you know that in Shakespeare's day, "dance" was also another word for "to fuck?" Yes, I'm serious. The sentence, "Hey, didn't I dance with you last night?" takes on a whole new meaning. I freakin love Shakespeare.
Yeah, I don't understand the cover either.10. Find trivia (and a trivia team) that takes place in Boston.
Because while The Blind Assassins are awesome, I need something to occupy my Tuesday nights with in Boston.
11. Learn how to play Chopin's Nocturne on the piano.
Because it's so damn beautiful.
And complicated. Shit.Well, I'll update on how my efforts go. And if all else fails, I'll just buy lots of blankets, make a fort, and never come out.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Things To Do When You Cannot Sleep
I'm not sure this will actually make sense, as I am exhausted to the point of not being able to sleep.
1. Facebook stalk - Learn something new about someone you never knew before! It's actually quite educational.
2. Write a haiku. I have done so:
My room is quite dark.
I'm feeling rather peckish.
I want my slippers.
3. Look up random words on the internet. I have learned five (FIVE!) new words. They are as follows:
- absquatulate: verb to leave hurriedly, suddenly, or secretly.
- fantod: (FAN-tod) noun 1. A state of nervous anxiety, irritability, the willies, the fidgets. 2. A fit or emotional outburst.
- risibility: the inclination to laugh
- mumpsimus (MUMP-suh-muhs) noun 1. Adherence to or persistence in an erroneous use of language, memorization, practice, belief, etc., out of habit or obstinacy. 2. A person who persists in a mistaken expression or practice.
- contesseration: the act of making friends
4. Apparently I can drink 77 cups of coffee before I keel over from a massive caffeine overdose. Go me. Click here to try for yourself.
5. Work this into as many conversations as you can: "Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!" (Never mind what it actually means.)
6. Look up your name on wikipedia. It gives variations too. Apparently "Alyssa" has 34 variations. My favorite is Lissy. Say it with a lisp. It's way too much fun.
7. Listlessly stumble around the internet. You may find instructions on how to teleport like I did, but not understand a word of it.
8. Construct a giant fort. Crawl into it and pretend you're camping.
9. If you have just finished a semester of school, rejoice in the fact that you may never have to hear the phrase "small potatoes" again. I feel bad for those small potatoes. They didn't ask to be small. Actually, they're quite good when cooked up with garlic and rosemary and ..thyme? I could be completely wrong. I dont even know why I'm talking about cooking potatoes anyway.
10. Go back to facebook and see if you have any notifications. You will not because it is 1 O-fucking-clock in the morning and no one else besides you is awake.
The End.
1. Facebook stalk - Learn something new about someone you never knew before! It's actually quite educational.
2. Write a haiku. I have done so:
My room is quite dark.
I'm feeling rather peckish.
I want my slippers.
3. Look up random words on the internet. I have learned five (FIVE!) new words. They are as follows:
- absquatulate: verb to leave hurriedly, suddenly, or secretly.
- fantod: (FAN-tod) noun 1. A state of nervous anxiety, irritability, the willies, the fidgets. 2. A fit or emotional outburst.
- risibility: the inclination to laugh
- mumpsimus (MUMP-suh-muhs) noun 1. Adherence to or persistence in an erroneous use of language, memorization, practice, belief, etc., out of habit or obstinacy. 2. A person who persists in a mistaken expression or practice.
- contesseration: the act of making friends
4. Apparently I can drink 77 cups of coffee before I keel over from a massive caffeine overdose. Go me. Click here to try for yourself.
5. Work this into as many conversations as you can: "Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!" (Never mind what it actually means.)
6. Look up your name on wikipedia. It gives variations too. Apparently "Alyssa" has 34 variations. My favorite is Lissy. Say it with a lisp. It's way too much fun.
7. Listlessly stumble around the internet. You may find instructions on how to teleport like I did, but not understand a word of it.
8. Construct a giant fort. Crawl into it and pretend you're camping.
9. If you have just finished a semester of school, rejoice in the fact that you may never have to hear the phrase "small potatoes" again. I feel bad for those small potatoes. They didn't ask to be small. Actually, they're quite good when cooked up with garlic and rosemary and ..thyme? I could be completely wrong. I dont even know why I'm talking about cooking potatoes anyway.
10. Go back to facebook and see if you have any notifications. You will not because it is 1 O-fucking-clock in the morning and no one else besides you is awake.
The End.
Monday, December 21, 2009
8 Reasons Why Nerds Are Awesome
Formally, nerds have been termed "uncool" and "social outcasts," along with more creative titles such as "WHAT A LOSER." However, I disagree with these statements, and find (most) nerds to be awesome. Sometimes you do get a person who does not know how to act remotely human, or someone who acts vastly superior because they KNOW shit, but more often than not, nerds are vastly underrated. I even consider myself a nerd, and embrace skills that other people would consider pointless (i.e. I beat Zelda: Twilight Princess, I like watching Picard guide the Enterprise through space). However useless this may seem, I find that nerds are 73% more awesome than the average person.
First, what makes a person a nerd? Well let's see. Can you quote Shakespeare? Do you read the dictionary for fun? Comic books? Heavily lore based RPGs? Can you talk in binary? If you answered yes to any of the questions you are a nerd, and therefore awesome. Here are reasons why.
1. Nerds are awesome at trivia
If you've read previous posts in this blog, you'll know that I was part of a trivia team called The Blind Assassins over the summer. You'll also know that we would never have got as far as we did at times if at least one of us was not some sort of nerd. Not only were we able to catch obscure references (well.. okay... maybe like two), we could connect them (somewhat) to the question being asked (kind of) and therefore find the answer (sometimes).
An assassin that is possibly blind.
2. Nerds are tasty
Here it is obvious that I am talking about the candy. CANDY PEOPLE. As in the sugary little things that look like bums? Does anyone else think they look like bums or is it just me?
3. Want a computer? No fucking problem!
A nerd could build a computer. Don't have enough money to buy one? BUILD ONE. As a point of interest, my dad actually built our two computers and they work well enough and it was considerably cheaper than going out and buying one.
That's complicated shit, man.
4. Have a problem with the computer that was just built for you? No fucking problem!
If your computer ever goes haywire on you, there is a good chance a nerd will know what is wrong with it, and can fix it. Hopefully. If they are savvy enough to speak binary (i.e. 1001001 010 1001 010) (I don't know if I actually typed a word there...) they could probably even write software for it and make it even more awesome. A spy computer with all sorts of gadgets, you say? Why yes, I'll take one.
5. Without nerds, we would not have electricity, cable, music players, computers...
The list goes on. The point is, if an inventor had just said, "Man fuck this shit, no one thinks I'm cool enough, I'm going to go hit on that lady and get laid," we wouldn't have half the stuff we have today. The people at Apple? All nerds. Bill Gate? Biggest nerd ever (and kind of a jerk I hear). But they gave us awesome stuff, right? It's a good thing they all said, "Once this light bulb/alternating current/iPod/flushable toilet is done, I'll have girls lining up to have sex with me." And you know what? They were probably right.
Except for that guy that invented the toilet. Probably didn't get laid. Yeah...
6. Face it, beating video games is a huge accomplishment.
Do you know how fucking HARD those things are? Oh, so pushing buttons isn't hard? All you do is sit there and tap X? WELL WHY DONT YOU FUCKING TRY IT, YOU BASTARD. Have you ever tried to leap through the air, aiming for the ceiling with your magnetic romping boots while throwing a boomerang and trying to avoid plants being thrown at you? No? I didn't think so.
Bad ass romping, stomping, magnetic mother effin boots.
7. They have better imaginations.
While I don't particularly enjoy playing D&D, I have tried it and found that it takes an enmorous amount of imagining you are a particular person (aka role playing) and visualizing various scenarios, such as giant man eating rats attacking you, or a ghost that cannot be seen or heard but is definitely beating the shit out of you. There are no computer graphics, and from what I've seen, the Dungeon Master comes up with scenarios and various shit on his own. Therefore, those playing must have a grasp of all the comlicated shit needed to understand what the fuck a D20 does while at the same time picturing their sword slicing through the air at some giant ogre's head. Those who dress up take it too far. That's what imagination is for.
You rolled a 2. Your attack misses and chops off the head of your companion.
8. Nerds are becoming the majority.
Face it, almost everyone can claim they are a nerd in some way, and are in fact proud of whatever thing makes them that way. Part of being human is identifying with people. Once nerds are seen as something other than creepy losers, and once someone else finds out that they too enjoy talking in elvish, a bond is formed. I'm sure there are millions of facebook groups and fan pages that have to do with something nerdish. Ever seen those fan pages for various characters from Spongebob? Ever notice how many people those fan pages have? A SHIT TON, that's how much.
Also, nerds pretty much rule the world. Let's not forget that important detail. I know it's cliche, but it's true that if you offend someone with a pocket protector, they will probably end up your boss one day. Because that is how karma works, bitches.
First, what makes a person a nerd? Well let's see. Can you quote Shakespeare? Do you read the dictionary for fun? Comic books? Heavily lore based RPGs? Can you talk in binary? If you answered yes to any of the questions you are a nerd, and therefore awesome. Here are reasons why.
1. Nerds are awesome at trivia
If you've read previous posts in this blog, you'll know that I was part of a trivia team called The Blind Assassins over the summer. You'll also know that we would never have got as far as we did at times if at least one of us was not some sort of nerd. Not only were we able to catch obscure references (well.. okay... maybe like two), we could connect them (somewhat) to the question being asked (kind of) and therefore find the answer (sometimes).
An assassin that is possibly blind.2. Nerds are tasty
Here it is obvious that I am talking about the candy. CANDY PEOPLE. As in the sugary little things that look like bums? Does anyone else think they look like bums or is it just me?
3. Want a computer? No fucking problem!
A nerd could build a computer. Don't have enough money to buy one? BUILD ONE. As a point of interest, my dad actually built our two computers and they work well enough and it was considerably cheaper than going out and buying one.
That's complicated shit, man.4. Have a problem with the computer that was just built for you? No fucking problem!
If your computer ever goes haywire on you, there is a good chance a nerd will know what is wrong with it, and can fix it. Hopefully. If they are savvy enough to speak binary (i.e. 1001001 010 1001 010) (I don't know if I actually typed a word there...) they could probably even write software for it and make it even more awesome. A spy computer with all sorts of gadgets, you say? Why yes, I'll take one.
5. Without nerds, we would not have electricity, cable, music players, computers...
The list goes on. The point is, if an inventor had just said, "Man fuck this shit, no one thinks I'm cool enough, I'm going to go hit on that lady and get laid," we wouldn't have half the stuff we have today. The people at Apple? All nerds. Bill Gate? Biggest nerd ever (and kind of a jerk I hear). But they gave us awesome stuff, right? It's a good thing they all said, "Once this light bulb/alternating current/iPod/flushable toilet is done, I'll have girls lining up to have sex with me." And you know what? They were probably right.
Except for that guy that invented the toilet. Probably didn't get laid. Yeah...6. Face it, beating video games is a huge accomplishment.
Do you know how fucking HARD those things are? Oh, so pushing buttons isn't hard? All you do is sit there and tap X? WELL WHY DONT YOU FUCKING TRY IT, YOU BASTARD. Have you ever tried to leap through the air, aiming for the ceiling with your magnetic romping boots while throwing a boomerang and trying to avoid plants being thrown at you? No? I didn't think so.
Bad ass romping, stomping, magnetic mother effin boots.7. They have better imaginations.
While I don't particularly enjoy playing D&D, I have tried it and found that it takes an enmorous amount of imagining you are a particular person (aka role playing) and visualizing various scenarios, such as giant man eating rats attacking you, or a ghost that cannot be seen or heard but is definitely beating the shit out of you. There are no computer graphics, and from what I've seen, the Dungeon Master comes up with scenarios and various shit on his own. Therefore, those playing must have a grasp of all the comlicated shit needed to understand what the fuck a D20 does while at the same time picturing their sword slicing through the air at some giant ogre's head. Those who dress up take it too far. That's what imagination is for.
You rolled a 2. Your attack misses and chops off the head of your companion.8. Nerds are becoming the majority.
Face it, almost everyone can claim they are a nerd in some way, and are in fact proud of whatever thing makes them that way. Part of being human is identifying with people. Once nerds are seen as something other than creepy losers, and once someone else finds out that they too enjoy talking in elvish, a bond is formed. I'm sure there are millions of facebook groups and fan pages that have to do with something nerdish. Ever seen those fan pages for various characters from Spongebob? Ever notice how many people those fan pages have? A SHIT TON, that's how much.
Also, nerds pretty much rule the world. Let's not forget that important detail. I know it's cliche, but it's true that if you offend someone with a pocket protector, they will probably end up your boss one day. Because that is how karma works, bitches.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
BUY THIS BOOK!
Because I am feeling rather sore about school work right now.
"How to (im)properly convince an editor to publish your book."
Note: Not Actually the Awesome book being discussed here. But still. What is that? A giant frog? And it's EATING THE WORLD? HOLY SHIT THAT'S AWESOME!
Dear Sir or Madam,
Hello. If you are reading this, then you are reading the proposal for The Best Book Ever! If you have read the manuscript for this book, then you know why it is the best book ever. However, if you need some incentive, here it is: This book is AWESOME. If you can't gather that from the title, then you, dear sir or madam, are mentally retarded, and should probably get that checked out.
This book has everything you need: four color photos, glossy pages, superb writing, and witty dialogue. There is no other book out there like it. We have categorized this book under "Curiosities and Wonders," a title we half made up and half stole from amazon.com. But that's okay, because this book friggen rocks. What's that? "Curiosities and Wonders" isn't a real category? No book store will sell it like that? Well let me shove this Awesome manuscript page down your throat, and you can digest the curiousness and wondrous aspects of this book.
Once you read this book, Awesome things will start to happen to you. Rainbows will explode over the sky whenever you walk outside. A unicorn will follow you around and take up residence in your closet. Flowers will bloom under your feet. Bunnies will follow you, birds will sing to you, and trees will rain down cash upon your Awesome head. However, if you do not publish this book after reading it, all those wonderful things will explode and die crying in fiery balls of molten lava, and you, Mr. Editor, will be responsible for the death of those beautiful things. Furthermore, you will deprive millions of people of this awesomeness. Shame on you, you killer of joyousness, shame on you.
Everybody in the world will buy this book because everybody likes Awesomeness, and furthermore, everybody loves unicorns and bunnies. And money. No books can compete with this one. For every book that tries to, this book will shoot it in the face with poisonous blow darts, and the offending book will die a horrible, painful death, with much vomiting. The author of that book will get dragged to hell by demonic goats, and the editors will turn into stone, forever to be shit on by dirty pigeons.
No e-book version of this book will be produced. E-books are dumb, and deserve to be sucked into a black hole.
As for where this book will sell? Everywhere. No questions. Because I say so.
So please publish this book, otherwise you will die. Alone. Forever. The End.
Yours most sincerely,
The Author
"How to (im)properly convince an editor to publish your book."
Note: Not Actually the Awesome book being discussed here. But still. What is that? A giant frog? And it's EATING THE WORLD? HOLY SHIT THAT'S AWESOME!Dear Sir or Madam,
Hello. If you are reading this, then you are reading the proposal for The Best Book Ever! If you have read the manuscript for this book, then you know why it is the best book ever. However, if you need some incentive, here it is: This book is AWESOME. If you can't gather that from the title, then you, dear sir or madam, are mentally retarded, and should probably get that checked out.
This book has everything you need: four color photos, glossy pages, superb writing, and witty dialogue. There is no other book out there like it. We have categorized this book under "Curiosities and Wonders," a title we half made up and half stole from amazon.com. But that's okay, because this book friggen rocks. What's that? "Curiosities and Wonders" isn't a real category? No book store will sell it like that? Well let me shove this Awesome manuscript page down your throat, and you can digest the curiousness and wondrous aspects of this book.
Once you read this book, Awesome things will start to happen to you. Rainbows will explode over the sky whenever you walk outside. A unicorn will follow you around and take up residence in your closet. Flowers will bloom under your feet. Bunnies will follow you, birds will sing to you, and trees will rain down cash upon your Awesome head. However, if you do not publish this book after reading it, all those wonderful things will explode and die crying in fiery balls of molten lava, and you, Mr. Editor, will be responsible for the death of those beautiful things. Furthermore, you will deprive millions of people of this awesomeness. Shame on you, you killer of joyousness, shame on you.
Everybody in the world will buy this book because everybody likes Awesomeness, and furthermore, everybody loves unicorns and bunnies. And money. No books can compete with this one. For every book that tries to, this book will shoot it in the face with poisonous blow darts, and the offending book will die a horrible, painful death, with much vomiting. The author of that book will get dragged to hell by demonic goats, and the editors will turn into stone, forever to be shit on by dirty pigeons.
No e-book version of this book will be produced. E-books are dumb, and deserve to be sucked into a black hole.
As for where this book will sell? Everywhere. No questions. Because I say so.
So please publish this book, otherwise you will die. Alone. Forever. The End.
Yours most sincerely,
The Author
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
How to Get A Date, Fall in Love, Or Just Have Really Great Sex
NOTE: THIS IS FICTION AND NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. PLEASE DONT ACTUALLY TAKE THIS ADVICE.
Written as a how to piece for my art of fiction class. Now complete with pictures and video!
First, you have to pick a person. Any person will do really. They don’t even have to be attractive, but you must feel some sort of attraction towards them. If they are not attractive, you might face some criticism from your friends, but ignore this. This is YOUR life, damn it, and you are calling the shots here.
This was your choice, remember.
However, if your potential date is cute, be prepared to fight off other suitors with whatever you have handy, be it rumors, a large stick, or a giant spear. Get yourself noticed by this person, but make sure it is in a good way. You don’t want to be noticed because you pick your nose or smell bad. Get noticed because you smell nice, because you’re witty, and because you’re really smart. (For instructions on how to be a good student, see “How to Be A Good Student” by Cassandra Mortimer.)
Getting noticed is the first step. The next step is possibly the hardest: somehow make this person like you enough to want to go on a date with you. It’s okay if you have nothing in common, but it’s easier if you do. You could absolutely love “The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats, and your crush could think that song was the spawn of Satan and everything wrong in the world today, but as long as you find some common ground –
Actually, if you disagree over that, it’s probably best to start from scratch. Find someone else who loves “The Safety Dance.” It’ll be much easier that way.
Now that you have at least one thing in common, you can start the courting stage of your relationship. Be witty and funny as always, but make sure you ask your potential date questions about him or herself. Be interested in what they have to say. Or if you find it more boring than picking out toe jam, at least pretend to be interested. Sit with them at lunch. Establish a casual friendship. Once you have been doing this for around two to three weeks, casually ask if they would like to go see a movie some time. Or suggest getting lunch. If you’re really lucky, they will ask you, but that’s a big if. It’s better to take some sort of initiative yourself. They will either agree to lunch or a movie, in which case that is your cue to jump up and down madly once they are out of sight, or if they say no, that is your cue to rush to the nearest bathroom and burst into tears or maybe punch a wall. If the latter, go back to step one.
If, however, you are jumping up and down madly or perhaps smiling in a sort of goofy way, you have succeeded! Congratulations! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, eager mcbeaver. This is only the first step.
The next is actually going on the “date.” Throughout the movie or lunch or whatever it is you two love birds are doing, judge your dates reactions. Be prepared, and bring your own money in case they’re a cheap bastard. If they’re nice, they’ll buy you your ticket, popcorn, or meal. It might even be possible that they consider this a date. HOWEVER, if they buy all three for you, and don’t let you spend a cent, they are taking this maybe as seriously as you are.
During the movie, be hyper aware of where your arms, hands, legs, and feet are in relation to your date’s. Slowly inch your arm/hand/leg/foot closer to your date’s as the movie progresses. Try to make the movements seem natural. If your date is inching their arm/hand/leg/foot closer as well, that is your green light. And for goodness sake, wipe off your sweaty palms. Nobody wants to hold hands with The Thing from the Swamp.
You and your sweaty palms.
If everything else goes swimmingly, you may even get a kiss at the end of the date. Hooray for you, smooth rider.
However, your date could go way to the other end of the spectrum. At the worst, they will not pay for you at all, shove popcorn in their movie messily, chew noisily, and spit disgustingly all over you when they make a comment about the movie. In this case, this person is disgusting or completely and utterly clueless, in which case you should move on. Or send them to a Miss Manners class. Or hit them over the head with a brick and scream “I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT I LIKE YOU, YOU MORON. STOP BEING DISGUSTING AND LOVE MEEEEEEE.” Hopefully, this is not how your date will go.
Let’s assume that your date went swimmingly. Let’s assume your date went SO swimmingly that you were asked on several more dates. Let’s assume on all of those dates you kissed, and let’s also assume that you have been asked to be their significant other. You’re a real lucky bitch, aren’t you?
However, I can tell you how to cope once you do break up. Sleep for a week straight and eat nothing but junk. After this week is over, stop eating all that junk, you fatty. Go to the gym and burn calories. This will not only get you back in shape, you may tire yourself out to the point where all you can think about is sleep. Throw yourself into homework with a vengeance. (Once again, see “How to Be A Good Student” by Cassandra Mortimer.) Let your life be consumed with seemingly mundane activities, because no matter how mundane they may seem, they will distract you. If you were really in love, then the pain you feel might fade over time, but if you were really in love this will continue for some time. If you were REALLY in love, then this may never go away. Each night as you fall asleep your heart will get ripped to pieces as you dream about your love, and each morning your heart will be replaced with some sort of bleeding piece of meat. Even worse, you might not want to fall out of love with this person, because being out of love with them is worse than being in love with them. Still, you are probably the unluckiest person in the world.
You may want some relief now. Well, go have some really great, awesome, sex, if only to fill the void within you for a short period of time. Even if you weren’t in love with your boyfriend / girlfriend, and are not leaking tears, you can still enjoy awesome sex. For this task, choose someone HOT. Or cute. Or somewhat attractive. Finding someone like this is easier than you think. It’s not as if you are choosing a life partner, and so you can settle for any Tom, Dick, or Harry. (Or any Harry, Dick, or Tom.) Go to a party and look for people that are slightly tipsy, NOT DRUNK. If you find a drunk person, the sex will be sloppy at best, and at worst, you will be vomited upon. This is not something you want. Find someone tipsy, someone who will be more likely to kiss you, but is still coherent enough to think sensible thoughts. Then find an empty room (it doesn’t matter what kind of room, even a bathroom will do in a pinch) and have at it. You probably shouldn’t be a virgin if you want to try this approach. It will lead to even more feelings of emptiness, regrets, and bags full of cheese doodles.
Giant... cheese... balls. Uhh...
Even if you are not a virgin, you may still get these feelings. Even though you are having awesome sex, you may still feel as if you are a cone without ice cream, or a doodle without the cheese. Thus, this approach is inadvisable after the first couple weeks.
If you keep going back to the same person for really awesome sex, you may start to develop feelings for them. You may want to start this whole damn thing again, because despite all the pain, dating and falling in love is so damn exciting. This is a perfectly normal reaction. However, the cycle will start again, in which case you’ll want to go back to the beginning of this paper.
Unless none of this happened to you. Maybe you are still with your boyfriend / girlfriend, and maybe you’ve been together for six weeks or eight months or two years, and you just know that you want to stay together forever, get married, and have billions of babies. Maybe you are just so in love that nothing can shake your relationship. Maybe you are living an epic love story. Well aren’t you the fortunate one, you googly eyed son of a bitch. Stop reading this paper and give it to someone who needs it.
Or else this woman will throw her giant spear at your head. And you will die.
THE END
Written as a how to piece for my art of fiction class. Now complete with pictures and video!
First, you have to pick a person. Any person will do really. They don’t even have to be attractive, but you must feel some sort of attraction towards them. If they are not attractive, you might face some criticism from your friends, but ignore this. This is YOUR life, damn it, and you are calling the shots here.
This was your choice, remember.However, if your potential date is cute, be prepared to fight off other suitors with whatever you have handy, be it rumors, a large stick, or a giant spear. Get yourself noticed by this person, but make sure it is in a good way. You don’t want to be noticed because you pick your nose or smell bad. Get noticed because you smell nice, because you’re witty, and because you’re really smart. (For instructions on how to be a good student, see “How to Be A Good Student” by Cassandra Mortimer.)
Getting noticed is the first step. The next step is possibly the hardest: somehow make this person like you enough to want to go on a date with you. It’s okay if you have nothing in common, but it’s easier if you do. You could absolutely love “The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats, and your crush could think that song was the spawn of Satan and everything wrong in the world today, but as long as you find some common ground –
Actually, if you disagree over that, it’s probably best to start from scratch. Find someone else who loves “The Safety Dance.” It’ll be much easier that way.
Now that you have at least one thing in common, you can start the courting stage of your relationship. Be witty and funny as always, but make sure you ask your potential date questions about him or herself. Be interested in what they have to say. Or if you find it more boring than picking out toe jam, at least pretend to be interested. Sit with them at lunch. Establish a casual friendship. Once you have been doing this for around two to three weeks, casually ask if they would like to go see a movie some time. Or suggest getting lunch. If you’re really lucky, they will ask you, but that’s a big if. It’s better to take some sort of initiative yourself. They will either agree to lunch or a movie, in which case that is your cue to jump up and down madly once they are out of sight, or if they say no, that is your cue to rush to the nearest bathroom and burst into tears or maybe punch a wall. If the latter, go back to step one.
If, however, you are jumping up and down madly or perhaps smiling in a sort of goofy way, you have succeeded! Congratulations! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, eager mcbeaver. This is only the first step.
The next is actually going on the “date.” Throughout the movie or lunch or whatever it is you two love birds are doing, judge your dates reactions. Be prepared, and bring your own money in case they’re a cheap bastard. If they’re nice, they’ll buy you your ticket, popcorn, or meal. It might even be possible that they consider this a date. HOWEVER, if they buy all three for you, and don’t let you spend a cent, they are taking this maybe as seriously as you are.
During the movie, be hyper aware of where your arms, hands, legs, and feet are in relation to your date’s. Slowly inch your arm/hand/leg/foot closer to your date’s as the movie progresses. Try to make the movements seem natural. If your date is inching their arm/hand/leg/foot closer as well, that is your green light. And for goodness sake, wipe off your sweaty palms. Nobody wants to hold hands with The Thing from the Swamp.
You and your sweaty palms.If everything else goes swimmingly, you may even get a kiss at the end of the date. Hooray for you, smooth rider.
However, your date could go way to the other end of the spectrum. At the worst, they will not pay for you at all, shove popcorn in their movie messily, chew noisily, and spit disgustingly all over you when they make a comment about the movie. In this case, this person is disgusting or completely and utterly clueless, in which case you should move on. Or send them to a Miss Manners class. Or hit them over the head with a brick and scream “I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT I LIKE YOU, YOU MORON. STOP BEING DISGUSTING AND LOVE MEEEEEEE.” Hopefully, this is not how your date will go.
Let’s assume that your date went swimmingly. Let’s assume your date went SO swimmingly that you were asked on several more dates. Let’s assume on all of those dates you kissed, and let’s also assume that you have been asked to be their significant other. You’re a real lucky bitch, aren’t you?
Okay so, you’ve got yourself a real, honest to God, boyfriend or girlfriend. The hard part is over. All you have to do now is keep spending time with them. Either you will eventually fall in love, or you will get so bored you want to bang your head against the wall. Unfortunately, this guide does not cover how to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. That is messy and extremely unpleasant work, and there is really no right way to do that. And since I do not want to be responsible for collateral damage, such as broken fingers, black eyes, or broken hearts, I will not even get into that. For heaven’s sake, just go read Cosmo and see what they say. Then you can blame them for all your problems.
Pictured: A Scapegoat.
Pictured: A Scapegoat. However, I can tell you how to cope once you do break up. Sleep for a week straight and eat nothing but junk. After this week is over, stop eating all that junk, you fatty. Go to the gym and burn calories. This will not only get you back in shape, you may tire yourself out to the point where all you can think about is sleep. Throw yourself into homework with a vengeance. (Once again, see “How to Be A Good Student” by Cassandra Mortimer.) Let your life be consumed with seemingly mundane activities, because no matter how mundane they may seem, they will distract you. If you were really in love, then the pain you feel might fade over time, but if you were really in love this will continue for some time. If you were REALLY in love, then this may never go away. Each night as you fall asleep your heart will get ripped to pieces as you dream about your love, and each morning your heart will be replaced with some sort of bleeding piece of meat. Even worse, you might not want to fall out of love with this person, because being out of love with them is worse than being in love with them. Still, you are probably the unluckiest person in the world.
You may want some relief now. Well, go have some really great, awesome, sex, if only to fill the void within you for a short period of time. Even if you weren’t in love with your boyfriend / girlfriend, and are not leaking tears, you can still enjoy awesome sex. For this task, choose someone HOT. Or cute. Or somewhat attractive. Finding someone like this is easier than you think. It’s not as if you are choosing a life partner, and so you can settle for any Tom, Dick, or Harry. (Or any Harry, Dick, or Tom.) Go to a party and look for people that are slightly tipsy, NOT DRUNK. If you find a drunk person, the sex will be sloppy at best, and at worst, you will be vomited upon. This is not something you want. Find someone tipsy, someone who will be more likely to kiss you, but is still coherent enough to think sensible thoughts. Then find an empty room (it doesn’t matter what kind of room, even a bathroom will do in a pinch) and have at it. You probably shouldn’t be a virgin if you want to try this approach. It will lead to even more feelings of emptiness, regrets, and bags full of cheese doodles.
Giant... cheese... balls. Uhh...Even if you are not a virgin, you may still get these feelings. Even though you are having awesome sex, you may still feel as if you are a cone without ice cream, or a doodle without the cheese. Thus, this approach is inadvisable after the first couple weeks.
If you keep going back to the same person for really awesome sex, you may start to develop feelings for them. You may want to start this whole damn thing again, because despite all the pain, dating and falling in love is so damn exciting. This is a perfectly normal reaction. However, the cycle will start again, in which case you’ll want to go back to the beginning of this paper.
Unless none of this happened to you. Maybe you are still with your boyfriend / girlfriend, and maybe you’ve been together for six weeks or eight months or two years, and you just know that you want to stay together forever, get married, and have billions of babies. Maybe you are just so in love that nothing can shake your relationship. Maybe you are living an epic love story. Well aren’t you the fortunate one, you googly eyed son of a bitch. Stop reading this paper and give it to someone who needs it.
Or else this woman will throw her giant spear at your head. And you will die.THE END
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